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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25243114">Meet Me At Midnight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonkyber/pseuds/crimsonkyber'>crimsonkyber</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>13 Reasons Why (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff and Angst, Inspired by 13 Reasons Why (TV), M/M, monty has a fat crush on winston and hates it, sneaky meetings, zalex has a bit of a side story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:27:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>65,883</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25243114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonkyber/pseuds/crimsonkyber</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A Wonty AU where Monty's vacation with his friends goes to unexpected places when he meets a boy named Winston and makes a deal getting a lot more than he bargained for.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Instagram: @wontyslove</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams, Wonty, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>240</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>513</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Camera Shy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi this is my first fanfiction so please go easy on me but would really appreciate some constructive criticism! Hope you enjoy this story!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Holy shit.” I say, my mouth hanging wide open as I dump my bags on the floor of the fancy room only the Walkers could afford to pay for five idiots like us to stay in. There’s two massive beds, a bathroom and a whole ass mini kitchen in the room. It’s like three times the size of my shitty little room. </p><p>“Close your fuckin’ mouth Monty before you start drooling on the carpet.” Bryce chuckles to himself shaking his head as Scott shoves pasts me putting his bag on the bed before collapsing on it. </p><p>“Alright well I’m not sharing a bed with any of you idiots because my parents are paying so Monty you’re with Scotty.” Bryce says snapping his fingers towards the bed Scott collapsed on. Usually I’d complain and tell him only a faggot would share a bed with another dude but I’m getting a free vacay out of this so I keep my mouth shut for once. Scotty and I have passed out drunk and had to share a bed before so same thing, right? Doesn’t make us gay or anything, we are brothers not fags. I shove Scott’s bag onto his side chucking mine down in its place, collapsing down next to it. </p><p>“Where’s Zachy and his boyfriend?” I snicker knowing Zach’s going to spend the whole holiday being Alex’s little bitch and follow him around like he does at school all day. That little fag Alex has him wrapped around his finger its hilarious. I used to think Alex was an okay guy, fucking weird but chill to play videogames with until all that Hannah Baker shit happened and he turned into a full fucking psycho. I don’t get why he had to come, I’d rather Foley come at least he’d be drugged up and passed out half the time instead we’ll have to listen to Alex whining the whole time. </p><p>“Hey ladies get the fuck up I want to hit the pool.” Bryce pulls off his shirt and throws it at the two boys sprawled out on the bed. We wasted no time taking our shirts off and throwing on our sunnies before hitting the pool. The two lovebirds next store join us going to the pool with Alex hobbling behind us and Zach by his side like the good little nurse he is. It’s natural for nurses to fall for their patients, Dempsey fumed when I told him that which made it even funnier. </p><p>The pool is fucking wild. There’s three separate pools. The one in front of us is huge with four massive water slides at one end of the pool. All of us stand there like gaping idiots mesmerised by the scene in front of us while Bryce just laughs at us all. He’s used to all this fancy rich people shit. While he’s probably visited every country at least once the only vacation I had was to a shitty little beach hut, which was fun until my dad got pissed at me for destroying Estela’s sand castle and made me sleep outside. I know he didn’t care about the sand castle he just wanted an excuse to punish me like always. But now I get a full two weeks away from my dad and all the food and alcohol I want for free this is fucking heaven.</p><p>Scotty stands by the edge of the pool and I take the opportunity to shove him in from behind. He starts splashing at Bryce who jumps on top of him making half the fucking water from the pool get knocked out with his fat ass. </p><p>“Hey Zachy you gonna carry your princess in?” I nod towards Alex who is sulking behind him clutching onto his cane. Who brings a fucking cane to the pool? He’s had that shit for months now I reckon he just keeps it around for attention. </p><p>“Do it bridal style buddy chicks love that.” Bryce pipes in and we burst out laughing. </p><p>Alex mumbles something from behind him starting to hobble off. “Fuck off you guys.” Zach shakes his head before following him and I grin at him before canon balling into the pool. </p><p>I lose track of how much time we spend messing around. Within a few minutes of hanging around the pool Bryce had already gotten two chicks clinging around him. Looks like he’s already forgotten about Chloe. Her loss for bailing on him. While Bryce chats the girls up Scott and I race laps around the pool. He beats me by a few seconds each time, I tell him it’s an unfair advantage because he actually has a pool at home whereas the only time I go swimming is at Bryce’s place. Scotty joins in the convo with Bryce and the girls but I can’t be bothered to hear them go on about whatever shit they are talking about. I collapse on the pool chair throwing my arms behind my head. I feel myself dozing off until I hear something.</p><p>Click Click Click.</p><p>I cringe at the sound. The fuck was that? I turn my head towards the noise to see someone leaning against the ship railing on the other side of the pool but still close enough to fucking annoy me with that noise, I notice their camera pointed directly towards me and scowl. Fucking weirdo, I feel my fists automatically clench. It’s my default defence mechanism, a second nature at this point. Who the fuck do they think they are? But then they lower the camera and I’m met with the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen and I feel sick…because those eyes belong to a guy and I’m not a fag. In the light his eyes are gold and his dark black curls are blowing in the wind, neither of us look away and part of me doesn’t want to but then the bastard smirks and gives me a small smile before walking off. I just know he was a fucking faggot probably going to jack off to those photos he took of me. I clench my fists again feeling sick in my stomach again but not because of the thought of him doing that but because I don’t hate that idea.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Unwanted Company</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A bad turn of events brings the start of something good for Monty.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A dance. This ship has a fucking dance? It’s only the first night and Bryce is pissed because I didn’t bring a suit. He sent a group text and then a separate reminder to me because he knew I would forget, which is what I told him what happened. I just figured I could borrow someone else’s but nobody is willing to let me borrow theirs knowing I’ll probably end up spilling some shit on it by the end of the night. He tells me not to worry because there’s a place on the ship he can get me one from. </p><p>This ship has a fucking suit shop, of course it does. Is there anything this place doesn’t have? “I don’t need a suit I’m fine wearing whatever shit I put in my bag.” I tell him not wanting to seem like a fucking charity case like I always do. </p><p>“Dude no girl will be into any guy wearing a fucking plaid flannel at a dance.” Bryce says shaking his head at me with a smirk on his face looking at me like I’m an idiot, which I mean isn’t entirely wrong. I don’t get why he’s always trying to get girls attention they always just complain about shit and want stuff. There are way more important things to focus on like winning state and the team but Bryce always manages to make room for them, props to him I guess. But it frustrates me and I don’t know why, guess I just hate how hanging out with girls means less time with my friends and they mean everything to me. It sucks when I need an escape from home but the guys can’t hang out because they have over some stupid chick they don’t even care about. </p><p>“Who the fuck cares about impressing girls there’s plenty of them back home. I just care about spending time with my boys.” I shrug as I try on the third suit and look in the mirror, finally finding one that doesn’t look stupid on me. I’ve never actually owned a suit before and my dad doesn’t have any either because we never go to any fancy shit so I’ve always borrowed Bryce’s. Dad tells me suits make guys look like fags, which is stupid because all guys wear suits. But honestly he says that about everything. I had to stop having friends that were girls when I was a kid because he told me only fags hang out with girls. When I told him about this trip he cursed in Spanish like he always does telling me that I’m a fag for always hanging around guys. I can’t ever win with that bastard. </p><p>Bryce places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze, which makes me flinch. I never like when people touch me from behind, guess that comes from being on edge all the time just waiting for my dad to attack out of nowhere. “Of course brother. You guys are my world man, girls are just a bonus” He chuckles and I laugh along with him just like I always do. I won’t argue with him or disagree, not when he’s providing my only source of happiness right now. I need him and he needs me or at least he makes me feel that way. I’d do anything for him. </p><p>By the time we get back to the room its almost time to leave and all the other guys were already in their suits. I really couldn’t care less about the stupid dance until Bryce told us that we’d be able to have as much alcohol as we wanted, something about his family being close to the owners of the cruise or some shit so they didn’t care about our ages. </p><p>“Won’t we get in trouble if someone tries to ID us?” Alex asks clinging onto Zach’s arm looking like an old married couple because he had the stupid idea of not bringing his cane, as if that would somehow make him look like less of a loser. </p><p>“Fuck. Just chill Alex.” I say shaking my head, I knew we shouldn’t have brought him, he questions every fucking thing we do just like he did when he first started hanging out with us. Can’t even remember how that happened in the first place considering he doesn’t even play any sports. I think Bryce only kept him around cause he was impressed by the list.</p><p>“It’s all good man. Been on a few things like this and have gotten away with it since I was like 15 they don’t give a shit when you have connections.” Bryce pats him on the back with a reassuring smile which Alex shrugs off. </p><p>------------</p><p>We had been at the dance for less than half an hour and I’m already feeling pretty wasted. My head pounds against the loud music and I stumble as I take another sip of whatever drink Bryce had handed me. At this point I’ve lost track of how much I’ve had. Zach took Alex somewhere to sit down while Scott had already managed to chat up some girl. </p><p>“Dude she’s totally checking you out and she’s hot.” Bryce motions over to a blonde girl twirling her hair looking over at us giggling with her friend. Honestly she looks like every other bimbo I’ve come across in my opinion but I just shrug and mumble something about her looking okay. </p><p>I try to look as uninterested as possible hoping he’d drop it and get a hint that I don’t want tonight to be about girls and that’s when I see him sitting by the bar, brushing his dark curls off of his face. He doesn’t see me as he talks to some other dude and I’m glad because once again I’m unable to look away and I don’t understand why. I suddenly feel myself wanting him to look in my direction but before I can even regret that thought those two girls had come over. Bryce takes an interest in the other one while the blonde one winks at me and I just nod at her not really knowing what to do. I keep looking over at Bryce hoping he will help me out or tell them to leave us alone but he’s already got his arms around the girl. So much for this being a night for the guys. The music starts to slow down and the blonde girl puts her arms around me so I put my hands on her hips doing the same thing I do at the school dances with girls so should be easy enough. But this girl is handsy and as she leans in to kiss me I shove her off. </p><p>“What are you like gay or something?” The girl frowns and slurs slightly on her words probably just as drunk as I am. I feel the rage start to build up in me as I quickly look around to see if anyone had heard what she had said. This bitch thinks that if a guy’s not interested in her that means they’re a fag? </p><p>“No he’s not he’s just shy around girls. But here.” Bryce must have overheard and he throws his arm around me as I scoff and he hands me the room key and winks. He knows I’m the opposite of fucking shy but he’s already got his eye on another girl meaning he just wants to get rid of me. Great. Exactly what I didn’t want happening. </p><p>The girl goes to grab my hand but it’s clenched in a fist and I grabbed a drink to occupy my other hand so she takes my arm to lead us out of the room. She knows I’m not interested but she doesn’t seem to care. Another desperate slut. I start to panic and scull the rest of my drink before throwing it on the floor. How the fuck am I going to get out of this? But more importantly why do I want to get out of this? Most guys would be all over her but I have no desire to do anything with her and it frustrates me. I’ve had to copy other guy’s stories about what they do with girls just so I don’t seem like a fag because I’m not. I remember the shit Dempsey got (partially my fault) for being a virgin and if it got out at school that I was then everyone would think I’m a fucking faggot. </p><p>We make it back to the room and she’s already all over me, pushed me onto the bed and everything. This is how it starts off every damn time, we kiss and I pray to the fucking lords that my dick will suddenly decide to work, that the right girl will give me the right reaction but once again it doesn’t. She pulls me up and drops to her knees while trying to undo my belt but I can’t do it. This is the furthest I go every fucking time.</p><p>I shove her back and stumble out of the room, my chest is tight and I feel like I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here. “What the fuck?!” she calls out but I don’t turn back, I just keep walking as fast as I can. She probably expected an explanation but I wouldn’t give her it mainly because I don’t owe her anything, I don’t even know her name but also because I don’t even think I have an explanation for myself. I keep walking until I don’t even know where I am. I think I’m lost but not entirely because I’m on a fucking ship. My head is swarming with unwanted thoughts as the alcohol starts to wear off. I need more and thankfully this place is full of bars.</p><p>The bar tender eyes me up and down as they wait for me to order and I’m hoping I don’t look as bad as I feel on the inside. “Uh beer thanks.” I say not bothering to try pronounce any of the fancy expensive shit written on the boards.</p><p>The man places the beer on the counter then holds out his hand. “ID please.” he asks in a tone that makes him sound like he’d rather be anywhere but here. Shit. I fumble around with my pockets trying to look like I’m searching for the ID that I don’t have while I think of something to say.</p><p>Someone leans on the counter next to me and the bar tender immediately straightens up. “It’s on me and I’ll take one too.” It’s the guy with the pretty eyes. Pretty eyes? The fuck is wrong with me maybe I am still drunk after all. </p><p>The bar tender hands the beers over to us and I nod at the guy as a thanks but he just shrugs. “Thank you Mr. Williams. How are your parents?” he asks with a fake smile that just makes him look constipated. </p><p>“Busy as always. Night George.” The guy says before walking off not giving me a second glance. I should go back and find my friends but I don’t. Instead I follow after him.</p><p>He stops and leans against the railing of the ship looking out into the night sky with his back to me. I clear my throat and he turns around seemingly surprised that I was still there. “Hey uh thanks for that man.” I say taking a step towards him. I should leave. I still don’t. </p><p>“No problem. I’m Winston.” He says holding out his hand and I shake it. His soft and delicate hand meets my rough calloused skin. He has a firm grip for someone who looks so fragile like he’d break if I squeezed too hard, so I don’t. </p><p>“Monty.” I say then jerk away my hand realising I was still holding onto his for longer than I should have but if he was bothered by it he showed no signs. </p><p>“Well Monty you owe me one.” Winston smirks and takes a sip from his beer still not breaking the eye contact so I lean against the railing next to him and take a sip from my beer. I start to feel hot so I look out into the ocean and pretend to be looking at something within the dark nothingness in front of me. What is wrong with me? </p><p>Of fucking course this bastard wants something. Nobody these days ever does anything nice without wanting something in return. “Okay what?” I ask looking back at him having no possible clue what this guy would want from me but he saved me back there so I guess I should at least hear him out. </p><p>“Meet me back here tomorrow at midnight. I did you a solid and I need a favour so..” He says slyly with a shrug but doesn’t break contact. What the fuck does that mean? </p><p>I feel myself tense up under his gaze it’s like he’s staring into my fucking soul or some shit. I get an odd feeling in my stomach. “I’m not fucking gay.” I say out of nowhere and I’m not sure why I felt the need to but I had to make things clear for some reason. </p><p>“Okay…Cool. See you back here tomorrow.” He says smoothly and seemingly unfazed by what I had said before walking off and leaving me feeling more confused than ever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Swimming with Lust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty decides whether to meet up with Winston.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everyone knew what happened last night. Supposedly that chick I ditched had come back to her friend crying so she had to go deal with her, which Bryce was pissed at me for because I ruined his chances of getting laid. Not my problem it’s his fault for forcing that bitch on me. But that’s not my only problem. I’ve spent the whole day on edge as we chilled by the pool, worried that guy Winston will come up to me in front of my friends but I thankfully haven’t seen him yet. I’m not sure why I’m worried about seeing him again but there’s no way I’m meeting up with him tonight. He’s obviously a fag and if I’m seen sneaking off with him tonight what the fuck will my friends think. Hopefully he will just forget about it. </p><p>Last night when I had gotten back to the room Bryce was passed out but Scotty was still awake. Told me he was worried about me and that Zach was too. Fucking sweetheart that one, can always count on him but he’s also an idiot for thinking I can’t take care of myself. He could tell I was messed up last night but he didn’t ask any questions unlike Bryce this morning and even today he still hasn’t asked me anything, which I appreciate him for. I couldn’t sleep last night not because of that bitch but because of him, Winston. His eyes, it’s like I couldn’t get the feeling of him looking at me out of my mind and I fucking hated it. Yep that’s it I’m definitely not meeting up with him. The alcohol must have really fucked me up last night.</p><p>Everyone seemed to be worried about me and even fucking Standall asked me if I was ok so I just told him to fuck off. What just because I didn’t let some girl fuck me now everyone is worried about me? Me, the guy who lives with a fucking psychopath who beats the shit out of me daily and no one ever seems to care then not even when I come to school with a black eye or a broken arm. Fucking bullshit. </p><p>Supposedly the ship is docking tonight so tomorrow we can get the fuck off this thing. Thank fuck. I need to get off this ship and explore a bit for a while before my fucking head explodes. We’ve spent all night playing in the arcade room. I even played a few rounds of air hockey with Alex, kinda reminded me of the good old days. This is what I’ve been waiting for, to just chill and have fun with the guys. Not to worry about stupid fucking girls or drama. At school and home everything is so fucking messed up so it’s nice to just relax and forget shit like that for a bit. </p><p>“What happened to the blonde?” I ask as I slam my pusher against the puck scoring another goal. I throw my fist in the air as a victory move then extend my middle finger towards Alex. Was going to make a joke about the bullet shooting the blonde out of his hair but maybe that’s a bit far for me even. </p><p>He sighs before collecting the puck and weakly hitting it towards my goal which I deflect with ease, dude has the upper body strength of a noodle. Maybe I should go easy on him considering his brain is all fucked up now but nah now where’s the fun in that. “Can’t hold my arms up long enough to dye it anymore and I’m not really allowed to because of infections.” He answers honestly. I was planning to make another boyfriend joke about Zach doing it for him but it’s not as fun when Zach isn’t here to hear it. </p><p>“Well it made you look like-“</p><p>“A fag? Yeah Monty you’ve said that before.” Alex cuts me off not allowing me to finish my joke. He’s clearly not affected by any of the shit I say anymore but I don’t care, I can’t help it when he’s such any easy target. </p><p>I laugh and shrug. “Nah I was gonna say it made you look like that evil little twink from Harry Potter.” He just rolls his eyes like he always does when I try to get a reaction out of him but I can tell he’s trying to hide a slight smile. By the time we finish the game Bryce had already ditched us after seeing that girl from the dance and Scotty and Zachy look like they’re ready to pass out after the long day and not getting much sleep last night, my fault but I didn’t force them to stay up. We make it back to the room but Bryce has already beaten us to it.</p><p>“Hey my dudes do you mind bunking with Standall and Zach, kinda need the room for something tonight.” Bryce says leaning against the door and I look past him to see the girl from the dance sitting on them bed waiting for him. Ha, well he can’t be pissed at me for ruining last night anymore then. I should be a good friend but the idea of sharing a room with three other dudes doesn’t sound too good especially when Alex is obviously a homo, wonder if him and Zachy have filmed a sex tape yet. </p><p>“The fuck Bryce can’t you just go to her room?” I groan just wanting to fucking collapse into bed. Once again Bryce chooses a chick over us. So much for brothers always coming first. </p><p>“Oh come on Monty we’ll be fine.” Scotty winks as he puts an arm around me and guides me to the other room. I don’t even have any of my shit but honestly with the lack of sleep I got last night I can’t be fucked to argue. Bryce always gets what he wants anyways. </p><p>Alex and Zach aren’t happy with it but they don’t complain. None of us have the energy to.<br/>
Scotty and I share a bed again and I turn my back to him. We are like brothers but it’s fucking gay if we sleep facing each other. </p><p>----</p><p>It’s not even midnight yet and everyone is asleep except me. Zach snores like a fucking elephant yet Alex and Scotty are passed out cold. Great, another sleepless night. But that’s when I remember. Winston. I promised myself that I wouldn’t meet him. I keep telling myself that even as I leave the room and make my way through the ship. I’m not going to meet him; I just couldn’t stand listening to Dempsey snore any longer. Maybe he’s forgotten. He hasn’t. I could just ignore him, pretend that I was so drunk last night that I forgot we even met. But it’s too late he sees me and he knows that I see him. I can’t pretend to have forgotten everything now that I’m here at the exact place and time he told me to meet him. I still have no fucking clue what he wants from me.</p><p>“You’re here?” He says with a smile looking surprised that I turned up. He didn’t think I’d come. Well, that makes two of us. </p><p>“Yep. Now what the fuck do you want?” I say a tad more aggressively than I intended to but for some reason his smile grows wider. He’s amused. He has a nice smile. I don’t mean that in a gay way of course. You can think a dude has a nice smile without it meaning you’re a fag, right? </p><p>He has a camera hanging from his neck and a bottle of wine in his hand. Neither of those help me understand what his plans are. “You’ll see. Come on.” Winston says his smile still not faltering as he walks off and I follow after him but not before I quickly look around to see if anyone else could see us. Even though when I left they were all out dead fast asleep I’m still paranoid that one of the guys will see us. The thought of one of them seeing me sneaking off into the night with him makes me nervous. I don’t know why because obviously, I’m only going cause I owe this guy a solid. I’m loyal, I stick to my word so that’s it and once we do whatever shit he needs me to do I won’t have to speak to him again. We make our way through the ship and I have no fucking clue where he’s taking me but I kinda respect his boldness. Most people would be too scared to pull something like this, guess its cause he doesn’t know me. But my friends say I don’t give off the best vibes, that I’m too intense and angry. Makes me sound exactly like my dad. I hate it but I guess it’s in my DNA or some shit so I can’t help it. </p><p>--- </p><p>We aren’t on the ship anymore. At first I was confused as the worker dude let us off but then I remembered that Bryce said it was stopping off at the island tonight. I don’t think we are allowed to leave until the morning but Winston tells the worker who he is and they let us off. He seems to be like fucking royalty in this place and he laughs when he see’s my face, I must look confused. “My parents partially own the cruise company.” he says with a shrug like it’s no big deal and to him I can tell it isn’t. Jesus how rich is this dude. </p><p>It’s dark and hard to see but we are walking along a beach. It’s peaceful this late at night when nobody is around. I’m not even worried about people seeing us anymore, it would be too dark to see us from the ship anyways. By the time we finally stop walking we’ve already drunk at least half of the wine. He’s sitting on the floor now looking up at me with his big hazel eyes, they seem to sparkle in the moonlight. I smile at the thought feeling warm from the alcohol. Winston slowly looks me up and down turning his head slightly to the side like he’s contemplating what he says next. “Take your shirt off.” He says and I laugh but he just stares at me, not even a trace of a smile on his lips. He’s serious. I shrug and do as I’m told. I usually hate when people tell me what to do and I don’t know if it’s the alcohol but I don’t mind doing what he says. I kind of like it. I guess it’s not too weird maybe he wants to go swimming or something. We are at the beach after all. </p><p>“Now what?” I ask him as I jokingly flexing my muscles in my arms but he still doesn’t smile. He’s gone all weird and serious. </p><p>“Take ten steps back then close your eyes.” He says standing up and stumbles slightly, he shakes his hair out of his eyes and it’s kind of cute the way he does it. I mentally cringe at that thought. Why the fuck would I think that? He’s like half my weight so I’m guessing the alcohol has hit him harder than me, which is slightly concerning considering I’m already feeling pretty wasted. Fuck that fancy alcohol is strong, maybe I’ll ask Bryce to buy a few bottles for me. I could use something that strong to get through the shit I have to deal with back home. </p><p>I hope he doesn’t try to kiss me or some stupid gay shit like that. I wouldn’t want to mess up that pretty face of his. But I do as I’m told and when he tells me to stop I close my eyes trying to stand as still as I can but with all the alcohol in my system I can’t tell how well I’m doing that.</p><p>Click. Click. Click.</p><p>My eyes shoot open, its déjà vu from the day I first saw him but instead of the smile he gave me that day he frowns so I close my eyes again, realising I was ruining his photos. I hear him start to move around me, the sand crunching against his shoes. I feel something wet splash against my chest and I jump back. He finally laughs but tells me not to worry and to close my eyes. He was flicking sea water on me. Maybe it makes the shots look fancy or something I don’t fucking know it’s still weird. </p><p>Once he’s finished taking photos of me we both sit shoulder to shoulder on the sand, our shirts, jeans and shoes in a pile next to us. He’s looking directly at me, his gaze making my skin burn. I feel like I can’t move, what’s happening to me? It’s kinda like the same feeling I get right before a big game, my stomach is twisted in knots so I snatch the bottle of wine off of him and take a massive swig of it. At this point I’m counting on the alcohol to get rid of whatever the fuck I’m feeling right now. Maybe I’m sea sick? I’ve never been on a boat this long before. The boys will be sure to make fun of me for that if I am or maybe it’s the adjustment of finally being on land, whatever it is I don’t like it. </p><p>“Wanna go in?” He says motioning towards the water and I nod. I needed to cool down anyways maybe the water will be a nice distraction.</p><p>“Last one in has to do a dare.” Winston says, a grin plastered on his face as he slowly gets up still not breaking eye contact and neither do I. He starts to run towards the water and I laugh and take another sip of the wine, he doesn’t stand a chance at all but I give him a few seconds before tearing after him. We are both knee deep as I tackle him into the water and he squirms under my grip until we both break the surface floating out deeper against the waves. </p><p>His hair is stuck to his forehead but when he brushes it back and licks his lips I can’t look away. He looks like a Greek sculpture or some shit like he should be in one of the museums I always end up ditching halfway through on school excursions. We’ve been staring at each other without saying anything for a while now, it’s weird I need to say something. “I won.” </p><p>He gives a short laugh and just nods still not saying anything but he’s getting closer now and I don’t move. Usually by now I would have punched the person and called them a fag for just looking at me like that and I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or the weird feeling in my stomach but I want him to keep coming closer. I know that’s wrong. I know whatever the fuck I’m feeling right now is also wrong and what I want him to do is disgusting but I don’t care. </p><p>I stare at his lips then back at his eyes, he knows what I want but I’m scared. Me, Montgomery De La Cruz is scared of this little twink in front of me. He keeps moving closer, our faces are inches apart and I feel like my hearts going to fucking burst out of my chest as his lips touch mine. I panic and shove him back, my hands gripping tight around his shoulders. He looks confused. Yeah, me too. I look down at his lips again ignoring the startled look in his eyes. I need to feel them against mine. I’m not a fucking fag, I’m just drunk is what I keep reminding myself. It’s what I remind myself when I smash my mouth against his. Our lips collide and it’s not one of those slow perfect kisses you see in the shitty romcom’s Estela always insists on watching when my dads passed out and we finally get to use the television. It’s rough and needy, my hands are gripped around his face but it feels so good and that’s when I feel it. The reaction I was waiting for last night with that girl and every other time has finally happened but not when I wanted it to. This is wrong, this is so fucking wrong but I can’t stop it and before I know it we are stumbling back until we are only knee length in the water and I’ve shoved him on his knees and he’s already pulling down my shorts with a breathtaking smile on his face. </p><p>----- </p><p>We are lying on our backs against the cool sand, still both very much drunk. I don’t want to think about what we just did. What I just did with a guy. But I can’t stop thinking about the feeling of his lips against mine and the intoxicating feeling of his hands on my body (especially on certain places) I needed more of it. I know that if my dad knew about this I would be dead right now. But fuck it I’ve never felt so alive and so free. </p><p>“I’m still not fucking gay.” I say trying to sound as convincing as possible. But was I trying to convince myself or him? Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that’s messing with my mind. I can just blame it all on that. </p><p>“And like I said before its cool dude. You can be whatever you want to be.” He says giving me a reassuring smile. Nobody has ever told me that before. I feel a smile pull at my lips but then it fades just as quickly as I remember who I am. If only I could. What do I even want to be? Normal. I don’t want to live in fear of who I am. My true self that I hide behind so many fronts, behind rage and fear that aren’t really what is in my heart. A part of me that I hope nobody else will see but I fear he’s already managing to see through my cracks and that scares me. I don’t even know him but it’s like he already understands and sees a part of me that I don’t even understand myself. </p><p>I feel a wetness on my cheeks. I’m not crying I tell myself. I never cry not even when my dad beats the living shit out of me. But facing the truth of who I really am scares me more than anything. I don’t have the luxury of exploring my demons not when my life is built around survival. “No… I can’t.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Would appreciate any comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Father's Son</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty may have ruined his one chance at true happiness.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I still can’t decide how I feel about last night, part of me is desperate to see Winston again, to feel his hands on my body but the other half of me is disgusted by what we did. I’m not a fucking faggot, I can’t be not when I spend half the time giving others shit for it. My life would be over if anyone found out what I did with him, nobody can ever find out. I should avoid him if I see him and that’s why I’m keeping an eye out for him as the boys and I sit at a table eating lunch at some café on the island the ship docked at. It’s definitely not because I want to see his face again, to remind myself of how good it felt with his lips on mine. I can feel the pressure building underneath my shorts so I try to focus on my food instead. To get him out of my head. Thankfully I don’t need to rely on myself to keep distracted as I’m surrounded by four other idiots. Scotty grabs a handful of my fries and shoves them into his mouth before I can protest. “Hey what the fuck man!” I say grabbing my few remaining fries and lobbing them at his face. I’m not hungry anyways, at least for food that is.<br/>
</p><p>“Alright ladies last one into the water has to streak tonight.” Bryce announces and it reminded me that I never got to give Winston a dare after I beat him last night, I guess we got distracted. Maybe I’ll remind him next time I see him. The rest of the boys dash off towards the beach but it’s short lived for me. Fuck. My shoe gets trapped around something and I crash to the ground. That something was Alex’s dumbass cane. </p><p>“What the fuck watch where you’re going asshole.” Alex spits angrily trying to reach for his cane but falling down in the process and I can’t help but laugh at him. If I wasn’t already skating on thin fucking ice from what I did before I probably would have picked up his cane and hit him with it. I was pissed at losing and not getting a chance to beat the guys to the water but watching this sorry but fucking hilarious sight was worth it I guess. I shove his cane back to him as I get up and head over to the guys. </p><p>“Monty wait. I can’t believe I’m talking to you about this out of all people but can you slow down and sit for a minute so I can ask you something.” Alex asks, his nose scrunches up as if asking me that had made him sick. I groan but wait for him to catch up as we walk across the sand before sitting a few metres from the water where the others dumped their belongings. The last thing I want to do is spend one on one time with Alex when I could be having fun with the boys but I’m kinda curious what this little twerp wants to know. </p><p>“Has Zach said anything about me recently?” He asks nervously and I snicker, of course this little fag asks about Zachy. </p><p>“What you mean about the sex tape you faggots filmed on the first night? Besides that, not really.” I smirk as he rolls his eyes obviously expecting me to say something like that. What does he want me to say though? Out of all the guys I’m least close with Zach probably because I started the mumma’s boy jokes and he’s a little sensitive bitch. </p><p>“Fuck off Montgomery I’m being serious. He’s been ignoring me all day.” He says sounding pretty fucking frustrated, digging the end of his cane into the sand. He starts going on about some shit but I’ve already zoned out. I have my own problems to worry about. I wonder what Winston is doing right now. I can’t help but think about last night. I was drunk that night and so was he but sitting here right where it happened makes the memories so much stronger. Thinking about it in this exact place makes it feel as if it’s happening again, it’s almost like I can hear him saying my name. </p><p>“Monty.” But it’s not him saying my name this time. </p><p>“Earth to Montgomery. Idiot I’m fucking talking to you.” Alex elbows me snapping me back to the present. He motions to something and I feel like my heart has stopped. It’s as if thinking about him summoned him like a fucking demon. What the fuck is he doing here? I shouldn’t be worried, the others are messing around in the water and Alex is a fucking homo so he wouldn’t care if he knew what Winston and I had done but I do. Winston is standing there, a small smile on his face and my shirt in his hand. I feel like I can’t breathe, each second I wait for him to say something makes my hands shake so I clench them to stop it. </p><p>“Where the fuck did you get that from faggot?” I say getting up before I can even think. I internally cringe as I say that and watch him flinch at those words. I hear Alex trying to calm me down but I block him out. </p><p>“Dude chill.” Winston says his eyes widening at the sight of my hands in tight fists by my sides and he takes a step back. I look back to the water to see the guys coming towards us and there’s only one thing I can do. I swing my fist as hard as I can and it connects with his jaw throwing him back onto the sand. All I see is red as Alex struggles with his cane to get to his knees to stop me but Zach and Bryce beat him to it and hold me back from doing any more damage as Scott rushes to help Winston. </p><p>“This fucking faggot stole my shirt! Bet he jerked off to it fucking freak!” I yell but stop struggling against the guys as I see the look of horror and pain on his face, blood leaking from his nose. I need to go, I feel the lunch I ate from earlier start to rise from just looking at what I had done to him so I shove them off and run. Run like I always do when I’m escaping my dad but this time I’m the one that caused the pain, instead of the blood running down my face it’s on my knuckles. I’m just as bad as him. </p><p>I run until I can’t hold it down any longer and I throw up in a trashcan behind the café and collapse to my knees. Nobody can see me so I don’t fight it as tears sting my eyes and run down my face. I’m fucking crying and I don’t give a shit for once. I can’t stop seeing his face and the damage I caused to it. I may have broken his nose, I can still hear the crunch of my fist hitting his face replaying over and over again in my mind. He is the only person who told me I can be whoever I want to be and not what everyone else wants me to be and I hurt him. If the guys didn’t stop me I don’t even want to think about how much more damage I would have done. He must think I’m a monster and he’s right. I hurt other’s just to hide who I really am and I know why. The memory haunts me, its shaped a lot of who I am today. I’ll never be able to accept who I am because of my father and the memory of what caused that is something I’ll never forget either. I hurt Winston for the exact same reason my dad still punishes me for. Winston likes me, a boy and I hurt him. I was eight and I liked a boy and my father hurt me for that, broke my nose and told me if I ever say something like that again he would kill me. So, I haven’t until now. Until I met Winston and that is why I’m so scared. </p><p>------ </p><p>Nobody looks happy to see me. I’ve fucked up big time I know that but I don’t know what to say so I just stand there staring down at the ground. I look pathetic- I am fucking pathetic. </p><p>“Monty what the fuck was that?” Zach says angrily as they all stand around me waiting for me to say something. I have no idea how long they have been here waiting for me, I hope my eyes aren’t red. Nobody has ever seen me cry before. Well besides my father when I found a dead bird on the road and he beat the fuck out of me for that. Only faggot’s and girls cry is what he told me. </p><p>“What did he say?” I take a deep breath in as I expect the worst. I’m such a fucking idiot, not only did I hurt the only person I’ve ever been that open to but now after that he’s probably told them everything. </p><p>“That he found your shirt by the pool, he was keeping it with him in case he found you.” Alex says and he looks disgusted, I don’t blame him. He knows the feeling of my fists against his face all too well. </p><p>“You almost ruined it for all of us. That dude’s parents own part of the fucking cruise line. You’re lucky he didn’t kick us out or press charges.” Bryce says and I hang my head down in shame. Once again I’m fucking it up for everyone else. </p><p>“Why didn’t he?” I ask and I guess some selfish part of me is hopeful that maybe Winston realised why I did it, that I haven’t ruined it and I could see him again if I apologise. </p><p>“I took care of it as always Monty. I had to pay him off and promise that you wouldn’t come near him again or he will.” Bryce says folding his arms and I just nod. He’s not waiting for an explanation because he knows that I’m impulsive, that I act without thinking but he’s still not happy. If Bryce is disappointed in me then I’ve definitely fucked up considering all the shit that he’s done. But I don’t even care what Bryce thinks at this point, which is shocking considering I always keep him in the back of my mind for everything. I don’t know how to feel, I told Winston that I’m not gay and he’s a fag so what did he expect me to do when he showed up with my shirt in front of my friends. But it still fucking hurts, he doesn’t want me near him and I understand why. I don’t deserve him so maybe this is for the best because all I will ever do is continue to hurt him.</p><p>------- </p><p>I was wrong. I thought that not being able to go near him would mean not seeing him again but looks like karma has come back to bite my fucking ass and I’m seeing him everywhere. Alex hasn’t spoken to me since the incident, in fact I think he’s more upset about it than Winston. I think Alex likes him because now that he’s ditched us he’s spending all his time with him. I can’t stop looking at Winston’s face, his perfect face is scarred with an angry swollen line across his nose. I did that. I need to apologise but I don’t know how considering I can’t go near him. I feel guilty even looking at him. It’s selfish but I miss him, which is stupid considering we barely know each other and the fact that I attacked him for just coming up to me in front of my friends but I really felt a connection to him that night. I’ve never felt anything like that before, the feeling of being with him made me feel good like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. I ruined that because I’m a fucking idiot and a coward. It makes me angry how much he’s affected me. Does he miss me too? Did he even like me in the first place or does he spend all his time on cruises finding guys like me? Maybe but I doubt any other sane person would have done what I did to him. I’m just like my fucking dad. Part of me actually hope’s he and Standall hit it off because maybe that homo could make him happy, he seems like a good guy so he deserves someone to make him smile. God what I would do to see him smile at me again. </p><p>I feel weird watching them but I can’t look away as they are right across from us, sitting on the edge of the pool with their legs in the water. Alex says something that makes him laugh, Winston places his hand on Alex’s leg and I hear Zach scoff besides me. I fucking knew he was a fag for Standall. But I can’t even rack my brain for a gay joke because I’m too focused on watching Winston help Alex up. My jaw clenches at the sight of his arm that’s around Alex’s waist and I know it’s stupid because he’s just being a decent person and helping him but I can’t help compare it to when his hands were on my body and the fact that I’ll never get to experience that again. Is he trying to make me jealous? No, he probably doesn’t care about me enough to do that after I destroyed any chance of that. He’s probably happy being with Alex even if it’s just as friends considering he isn’t ashamed to be seen with him in public and in front of his friends like I was. </p><p>“Dude you better not fucking go near him or I swear I’ll throw you off this ship myself.” Bryce says jokingly but I know he’s being serious, god knows how long I’ve been staring at Winston for him to notice. He thinks I’m going to attack him again but I won’t, I still feel ill from thinking about the first time I did it. I usually get a kick out of it when I hurt people like it makes myself feel better knowing others are feeling the pain that I get every fucking day from my dad but not this time, knowing that I hurt him feels different. There’s nothing I can do though, it’s too late. I need to forget about him because I know he’s already moved on from me and whatever chance I had is gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Eeek this chapter was hard to write but I hope you enjoyed it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Apologies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty can't get Winston out of his head and to make things right again he knows what he has to do.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winston Williams. He goes to Hillcrest that fancy rich school Bryce is going to next semester. I’ve never searched someone up on facebook like this before, I feel like a stalker this is probably something that Tyler Down freak does all the time. I make sure not to accidentally like a photo. Winston doesn’t have many photos mainly artsy shots of the sky or mountains but a photo of him shirtless on the beach is enough to elicit a reaction from me. This is fucking pathetic. </p><p>I jerked off while thinking of him. I did the exact same thing I accused him of. So much for trying to forget about him, fuck I’m disgusting. This still doesn’t mean that I’m a fag he’s just got a nice face and body. I’ve never done that to the thought of a guy before. Well I’ve never done it to the thought of a girl before either usually only sports work for me. Probably makes me sound like a fucking weirdo but thinking of the team out in the field usually does it for me, thinking of Charlie St. George scoring a touchdown or Scotty hitting a home run. It’s not weird just means sports and the team are the most important thing to me. I guess that means it is over guys but not in a faggot way I focus on the sports not the dudes of course. I’m sure most guys do that. Luckily I woke up before any of the other guys had and could do it in the shower, I’m good at being quiet got experience because it usually happens right after a game so I have to jerk one off in the bathroom stalls at school. It’s cause of the contact in sports or whatever not because of the fact that I’m surrounded by a bunch of fit dudes. </p><p>Scotty and Bryce are still asleep when I’m done. Jesus, they sleep like fucking dogs. I go outside and call Estela because I feel shit that it’s been a few days and I still haven’t called her yet. I almost didn’t come on this trip because the thought of leaving her with my father makes me sick but she told me she had already planned to stay at a few friends’ houses so she wouldn’t be home much. I promised I’d call her to check up on her but I’ve gotten sort of side tracked thanks to a certain someone and of course that someone happens to be standing right outside my room. Well technically he’s standing outside the door next to my room but I still didn’t expect to see his face this early in the morning. I quickly try to fix my hair before he sees me, fuck I should have looked in the mirror this morning. It feels weird seeing him after knowing what I did to the thought of him. I’m worried he will know even though that’s fucking impossible. I should say something. He runs a hand through his curly black hair pushing it out of his face and I feel my breath hitch but as soon as he sees me he takes a step back. I go to say something, to apologise but Alex opens the door and beats me to it. My chance is gone as Alex nods at me in acknowledgement before they walk off together. </p><p>“Monty?” Estela’s voice vibrates through the phone, shit I forgot I called her. </p><p>“Hey ‘Stela what’s up you little twerp?” I say jokingly through the phone, I miss talking to her even if it’s just been a few days but I wouldn’t be caught dead telling her that. Estela and I aren’t the closest of siblings but we always have each other backs especially when it comes to defending each other from our father. She’s probably the only person I’d ever take a beating for, which I have more times than she’s aware of.</p><p>“Mum is taking me out for lunch today and dad’s been passed out since he drank too much last night, again. That’s all that’s been going on in the De La Cruz house while you’ve been gone. He hasn’t gotten angry since you’ve left besides at the TV remote for dying so don’t worry.” Estela says slightly rambling on with a small laugh and I should be relieved he hasn’t had a rage fit yet but I’m not because knowing my father he could snap at any moment and I’m not there to protect her or my mother. </p><p>“Alright well you call me if that bastard tries anything. If he hurts you or mum while I’m gone I’ll kill him.” I say and I really mean it. The only reason I haven’t done it already is because who will financially support my mum and Estela if I do end the bastard once and for all? I don’t care if I go to jail I have no future ahead of me anyways, I’ll end up there one way or another so why not take him down with me. </p><p>“I know and I promise I will but enough about here how’s the cruise going? Meet anyone?” Estela asks and I can imagine her face waiting in anticipation for me to share any ‘gossip’ or whatever girls call it. I’ve never talked about this shit with her before mainly because I haven’t had any girls I’ve been interested in yet. </p><p>“It’s fucking sick you’d love it and uh…maybe? Already ruined it though so doesn’t matter.” I barely know the guy and I already sound like a fucking heartbroken chic what’s wrong with me. </p><p>“Monty I’m sure you haven’t. What’s their name?” Estela says and I feel nervous because she didn’t say ‘she’, it’s like she’s leaving it open for interpretation. How could she know if it’s a guy? Does she think I’m a faggot because I never talk about girls? Fuck I need to calm down, she has no idea it probably means nothing. I should probably start talking about girls more often though so she doesn’t assume anything cause if she does that means others might also.</p><p>“Doesn’t matter Estela the guys are up I need to go.” I say abruptly as I hear voices behind the door. </p><p>“Fine Montgomery but we are continuing this conversation later. Tell the guys I said hi.” She says in a ‘matter of fact’ tone with a sigh before hanging up. She said Montgomery jesus she sounds like my mum, she only calls me that when she’s dead serious so I know we are definitely continuing this later. Honestly I wanted to tell her more, I know she wouldn’t judge if I was interested in Winston but I don’t even know if I am myself. I haven’t spent enough time with him to know that. But I couldn’t talk about Winston out in the open especially not with the guys on the other side of the door. But I don’t even think I have the ability to put my thoughts into words to tell her in the first place.<br/>
---- </p><p>Alex has been gone all day doing god knows what with Winston and Zach looks like a fucking lost puppy. I find it hilarious but I honestly kinda sympathise with the dude, I can’t stop thinking about Winston and just knowing I can’t get him out of my head makes me hate myself even more. How would things have turned out if I wasn’t a coward and invited him to hang out with us instead of punching him like the piece of shit I am. But I know there was no way I had the balls to do that. Part of me worries about Winston telling Alex about what we did but I trust him after he kept it our secret even after I hurt him. I still don’t understand why he did that. </p><p>We’ve finished playing a game of water polo in the pool with a few randoms Bryce managed to convince to play with us and Bryce always gets what he wants so of course they said yes. Tonight, Bryce told us there’s some thing where we watch a movie in a hot tub, which sounds cool but no idea how I’ll sit in a freaking hot tub for that long. Still think it’s fucking insane how much shit this ship has on it. If I was rich I’d just live on this forever. </p><p>After the game we head back to the room to play call of duty and eat a crap ton of burgers and fries that Bryce ordered. Absolute genius bringing his playstation with him, no better way to unwind after a long day than with violent videogames. Sometimes I like to pretend it’s my dad I’m killing in the game, keeps me focused and motivated. Wouldn’t tell anyone that because they’d probably think I’m a fucking psychopath. Zach’s finally stopped moping around over Alex, no fucking clue what’s going on between those two because I zoned out on Alex when he was telling me but I was getting fucking tired of Zach’s poor me attitude. Although his mood suddenly sky rockets as Alex comes back but then plummets when he tells us it’s only to leave his cane here, which Zach starts blabbing on about how stupid that is but I block him out with the game. I wonder if Winston is standing outside of the room waiting for him. </p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you there?” Zach asks sounding like some worried parent. Wonder if he’ll start making Alex call him daddy. That thought makes me snicker but also makes me feel like hurling up my lunch at the same time. </p><p>“No Zach it’s fine he’s in room 32, it’s not far.” Alex reassures him sounding like an embarrassed kid telling their helicopter parent to back off. Room 32. That’s my number. Maybe it’s a sign. I usually don’t believe in dumb superstitious things but the fact that my football number is the number of his room must mean something, right? Fuck I sound crazy. </p><p>“Hey you should invite him to hang out with us at the hot tub cinema thing tonight. Heard Zachy’s been dying to properly meet him.” Bryce snickers throwing his arm around Zach’s shoulder and messing with his hair. </p><p>“Shut up Bryce but yeah I mean it’s cool if you want him to come Alex if it makes you happy.” Zach says shoving Bryce off and I elbow Scotty as we both laugh at how pathetic he sounds. Scotty tries to hide it but I make sure to laugh harder than needed to make sure he’s heard us. I can’t help it, I’m always doing my part to make sure other’s feel even worse than they already do about themselves especially when it’s regarding their feelings for others. It’s like being the opposite of a wingman. </p><p>“Doubt he will want to hang around you assholes especially after what Monty did to him but I’ll ask.” Alex says stumbling out the door managing to look like even more of an idiot without his cane. Bet he’s doing it so he can ‘accidentally’ fall into Winston’s arms but they are both skinny fags they’ll end up killing each other or at least breaking all their bones in the process. If the roles were reversed I would obviously be able to catch Winston. </p><p>“So let me get this right. Your boyfriend is bringing his boyfriend? Tonight’s going to be interesting huh Zachy.” Scotty says with a mischievous grin but he doesn’t mean it maliciously. At least not like Bryce and I would but it still pisses Zach off. </p><p>“What the fuck guys. First the mumma’s boy jokes and now this? You idiots need to grow up. He’s not my fucking boyfriend.” Zach says shaking his head in annoyance looks like we hit a nerve. Bryce and I just laugh but Scotty pats him on the back and apologises. We head down to the arcade because supposedly I was taking the game a little too seriously and I almost broke the control by throwing it at the TV. Thank fuck I had a shit aim for once and hit the wall instead. Bryce definitely would have thrown me off the ship for that not because he wouldn’t be able to replace it but because of the ‘principle’ or whatever, which is bullshit because as if that guy has any morals. I really hope we don’t see Alex and Winston I couldn’t bare to see whatever faggy shit they get up to and I also wouldn’t be able to deal with Zach whining like a fucking baby over it. If I hear him complain one more time I’ll personally throw him off the ship myself before Bryce can do it to me. </p><p>I felt my heart jump out of my chest when I see them. Just my luck we’ve been here less than an hour and we’ve already found them out of everyone on this fucking ship. I’ve got to stop thinking about him because every time I do he magically appears but always when I don’t want him to. He was laughing at something Alex must have said, his eyes squinting and his cheeks dimpling. I hate how good he looks and what I hate even more is the fact that I think he looks good. I’m not a faggot, sure in my eyes girls are nothing special either but just means I have high standards or some shit. I know I need to stop staring but thankfully he doesn’t notice me when he says something to Alex and he nods before parting ways. This is my chance, I have a tiny fucking window to try to fix things and I’m going to use it. </p><p>“Uh I need to go to take a leak.” I murmur but the guys don’t even notice when I go the opposite direction of the bathroom and follow the guy who they told me to stay away from out the glass doors. He’s standing there facing the ocean, holding his camera up to his face while his back is turned to me. It’s kind of peaceful watching him like that, I probably look like a creep watching him while he’s unaware. We are alone out here but if the guys look out those glass doors they could see us. I need to make this quick. </p><p>I’m walking closer and I feel my heartbeat race as I struggle to think of anything to say to get his attention. “The fuck are you doing here?” I say breaking the silence and he turns before I can even blink. It’s a stupid thing to ask but I didn’t know what else to say. His eyes widen at the sight of me and he quickly struggles to pick up his bag off the floor. He’s scared of me and wants to get away as fast he can. I feel sick knowing that my presence has instilled this much fear in him. This isn’t the usual thrill I get from seeing people afraid of me. </p><p>“I w-was just taking photos for my parent’s website. I’m leaving now.” He stutters not even looking me in the eyes as he zips up his bag and throws it over one shoulder. I miss the confidence and boldness he had around me the night we met. </p><p>“Hey, hey I ain’t going to do anything.” I say feeling myself get desperate to make him stay just a little longer so I can apologise and so he’s not scared of me anymore. </p><p>“I’ve got to go. Someone’s waiting for me.” He says finally looking me in the eyes for a second before he looks past me as if he’s hoping someone will come and save him. Save him from me, he’s afraid of setting me off again. He doesn’t believe I won’t hurt him again. Maybe he’s right for thinking that. I’ve never been one to be able to control my temper, it’s like my rage becomes its own person and takes over me. </p><p>“Standall?- I mean Alex?” I ask not wanting this conversation to end and I know its wrong, that Bryce would fucking kill me for speaking to him when I’ve already caused enough damage but I like speaking to him. I actually like hearing his voice, it’s calming. I fucked it all up but it’s nice seeing him, I still really want to get to know him. I’ve never felt this way before, I usually don’t give a shit about others but I can’t ignore that I’m drawn to him for some reason. </p><p>“What does it matter to you? Is our ‘faggot’ shit upsetting you?” He’s angry now and I prefer this because it’s better than seeing him cowering around me in fear. I flinch at the word he uses, it’s the same word I called him when I punched him. The same word I’ve called countless people at school before. People like him. Winston folds his arms across his chest and doesn’t break eye contact. Great now I’m the one awkwardly looking anywhere but his face. The roles have been reversed. </p><p>Shit, I need to fix this even if he doesn’t want to speak to me again I just need to let him know that I regret what I did. “No I didn’t mean it like that, fuck I’m making things worse. I just came here to say I’m sorry about hurting you. I’m really fucked up and I know that’s no excuse.” I say and I feel like a fucking weight has been lifted off my chest. I’ve wanted to apologise since the second I saw his face after what I had done, which isn’t like me at all. I never apologise to anyone. What the fuck is this kid doing to me?</p><p>“It’s fine. I mean whatever. I should have thought before coming up to you in front of your friends. It was stupid but I just wanted to see you again.” He says with a small smile and shrugs. Winston wanted to see me again. Me. I can’t help but smile, so I did mean something to him. Well at least before I fucked it up. </p><p>“You seem like a good guy.” I step towards him hoping he won’t flinch or step back like he did before and relief surges through me when he doesn’t. </p><p>“Um Alex invited me to hang out with your friends tonight but don’t worry I told him I’m not really a social guy.” Winston says and I have that nagging concern about him being around me in front of the guys but now that him and Alex are seemingly best buds maybe I don’t have to worry so much about that. </p><p>“No you should come. I mean if you want to.” I say a little too eagerly than I wanted it to come out. Oh fuck I sound exactly like Zach. </p><p>“Okay cool I’ll tell Alex then.” Winston says trying but failing to hide a grin. I think I’ve fixed it. I don’t know what that means for future shit and I know I’m bound to fuck up again but maybe he’s willing to give me another chance. I still don’t understand what’s going on between him and Alex though. If two homo’s are friends that doesn’t automatically mean they are fucking right?</p><p>Speaking of the devil. “Monty get the fuck away from him.” Alex orders from behind us and I hold my hands up in defence before walking away without another word. I can’t be bothered to waste another second with Standall so hopefully Winston will just tell him we are cool now.  </p><p>---<br/>
“Fuck Monty you sure you don’t want a beer at least?” Bryce asks looking at me like I’m crazy for refusing to drink and I probably am. All I can think about is Winston because Alex is here and he still isn’t. I don’t know if he’s coming because Alex hasn’t said a word about him. </p><p>“Nah dude I’m fine.” I reassure him. I’m not drinking tonight or at least before Winston arrives because sober me makes shitty choices but drunk me just destroys everything in my path. I’m not making any more mistakes, not when he just forgave me. </p><p>Winston is finally here. He’s so fucking skinny, both his arms together wouldn’t be as big as one of mine. I feel my throat go dry and I look away, don’t want to look like a fag staring at his body like that. Bryce laughs as I snatch the beer off him and take a sip. One drink can’t hurt. Winston awkwardly standards there not sure where to sit but Bryce stands up and offers him his spot between me and Alex. </p><p>“Well it’s been fun boys but I’m making the tough decision to remove myself from this hot tub full of idiots and insert myself over there.” He snaps his fingers towards a couple of hot tubs over to where a girl who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before is giggling and looking over at us. Man typical Brycie, when the fuck does he have time to meet all these girls? I shouldn’t complain though because now Winston gets to sit next to me, well and Alex too.<br/>
Scotty and I whoop and clap as he walks over to her and he sticks his finger up but we know he loves it. The bastard thrives off this shit. Sometimes I wish I was him, he has it so fucking easy. </p><p>---- </p><p>Fuck I think my arms are cramping up. This whole idea is stupid how am I supposed to sit for two hours straight. I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been here and Scotty’s already fallen asleep, his head is rested against Zach who looks so uncomfortable its fucking hilarious. Surprisingly boredom and cramps aren’t the hardest part of this but it’s the fact that I got a boner over Winston’s knee against mine under the water. Something is definitely wrong with my dick and thank fuck that it’s dark so no one can see. Maybe if I focus on the shitty movie it will fix it. </p><p>Winston stretches his arms out along the side of the hot tub but so one arm is resting behind me and the other behind Alex. I’m not sure if he did that because Zach has been glaring at him the whole time like a fucking psycho or if he was worried I’d flip out if he just had his arm next to me. Maybe he was just stretching but I can’t ignore the weird jittery feeling in my stomach when his arm accidentally touches my neck, so much for trying to focus on the movie this has just made it worse. This dude has no fucking clue what he’s doing to me. I need to get out of here. </p><p>“I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, think I’m gonna tap out.” Alex says looking at Winston, probably waiting for him to offer to walk him back to the room but before he can even open his mouth Zach stands up and holds out his hand.</p><p>“I’m kinda tired too so I’ll come back with you if that’s cool.” Zach says grinning as Alex takes his hand to help himself stand. Gag he’s such a fucking bitch but right now I don’t care cause they stole my moment. I was just about to make an excuse to leave but of course they beat me to it. That means its closer to it just being me and Winston. Except Scotty is still here looking confused as fuck after Zach woke him up without warning. </p><p>I don’t know if the fact that Scotty is here makes the situation better or worse considering none of us are paying attention to the movie. I’m going to say its better because at least he’s talking to Winston unlike me who hasn’t said a word to him the whole night. I wonder what will happen if I reach out and touch his hand under the water but I don’t obviously cause Scotty is here. I feel something against me under the water and its dark but I can just make out Winston’s hand resting against my thigh and its getting closer to something I’m desperate for him to touch but also would rather die than have him do that right here. Fuck, I can’t do this. I jump up and start climbing out of the hot tub mumbling some excuse as I stumble off the ladder onto the floor. Scott just shrugs and keeps talking to him but Winston is looking at me and frowning. I’ll make it up to him later. Part of me wants him to know about the way he’s affecting me but right now I’ll need to take care of it myself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was a bit longer than usual but hope you enjoyed it please leave a comment if you want! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Room 32</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty gives into temptation.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Each step I take gets my heart beating faster, I feel sick. No not sick, nervous maybe. By the time I get to his door my heart will bloody explode. What if I’m making a mistake? Showing up at his door may freak him out, he might not want to be alone with just me after I hurt him. I know I apologised but what if that wasn’t enough. This is ridiculous though. Me, Montgomery de la Cruz getting nervous over a guy. What a fucking joke. Except it still doesn’t stop me from what I’m about to do. My father would disown me for this. Thank fuck he will never find out. </p><p>I’m here now. Room 32, that’s my number so it better not fail me now. It’s past two in the morning so he’s probably asleep, well not for long if my plan succeeds. It’s risky coming here, especially when I don’t have an excuse to tell the guys if they wake up and realise I’m not there. I knock on his door loud enough for him to hear and take a step back but before I can even rethink my decision I hear the lock turn. </p><p>“Um hey…what are you doing here?” Winston asks half asleep and pulling a shirt on, struggling to get his arms through the sleeves. His hair is a fucking mess but he still manages to look good. He looks tired, now I feel bad for waking him up. I frown at that thought, I never feel bad for anyone. I can’t read his expression so I don’t know if he’s happy or if he doesn’t want me here. At least he didn’t slam the door in my face or call security, guess that’s a positive. Time to shoot my shot then. </p><p>“Doing something I’ve wanted to do all night.” I say shakily as I take a step forward to test if he is still afraid, to see if I’m overstepping any boundaries but he doesn’t move. In fact, he seems to be moving closer. So I take my chance and pull his face towards mine, I kick the door closed from behind me as our lips crash together. His lips taste girly, like fruit except this is nothing like kissing a girl. Instead of feeling like I’m kissing a brick wall, kissing Winston brings back the same heat and needy feeling that it did like the first time. I can’t get enough of this feeling and it should disgust me but right now I don’t give a fuck. </p><p>I push him back on the bed and start to take my clothes off. Fuck why do I wear so many layers. While I struggle getting off my flannel and shirt like an idiot, he easily pulls off his shirt then starts undoing my belt to help me out. Thank fuck because I wouldn’t have had the patience to get it off myself. Once we are both just in our boxers he pulls me down onto the bed in a kiss, his arms around my neck and I have one hand on his shoulder and the other against the mattress. I feel his bulge against mine and it drives me mad. I’m going to hell for this. </p><p>His lips are so soft, he probably uses chapstick. Maybe I should have taken Charlie’s advice when he recommended it instead of calling him a fag and throwing it at his face cause my lips are dry as fuck. Jesus is Winston’s gay rubbing off on me? Is there some sort of gay energy that could be passed through people? It would kind of make sense. I’ll look that up later except its already too late if it has. </p><p>---- </p><p>“Holy shit.” I say panting as I let go of him and roll off his back and collapse onto the bed. Man, if I knew fucking a guy would feel so good I would have done it ages ago. No, I wouldn’t because it’s still wrong but maybe those faggots Tony Padilla and mega fag Ryan are onto something. This was so much better than jerking off to pictures of him. </p><p>“You gonna beat the shit out of me now?” Winston says and I feel my body tense up at those words. Shit maybe he didn’t accept my apology. But then why would we have just done that if he didn’t?</p><p>“I said I was sorry.” I say frowning as I prop myself up on my elbow to face him but he doesn’t look angry. </p><p>“I know I was just making a joke. I would offer to walk you back to your room but I don’t think you’re that kind of guy.” He laughs giving me a smile. Does he want me gone? </p><p>“Are you trying to kick me out?” I ask mentally cringing at the evident hurt in my voice and his smile fades when he realises my concern. I feel stupid but I don’t want to leave. </p><p>He shakes his head giving me a reassuring smile. “No I just figured you’d want to go.”</p><p>“Well maybe… I want to stay and do that again.” I say with a smirk as I felt my confidence returning and his cheeks flush red. Looks like I’m doing something right. I know it shouldn’t make me feel good seeing him react like that but I can’t help it.</p><p>“Okay.” He nods with the biggest fucking grin I’ve ever seen in my life. He has nice teeth, fuck he has nice everything. </p><p>I feel the urge to remind him that I’m not gay again but I don’t say it. He’s already told me what he thinks. I think it’s more convincing myself at this point but each time I deny it I start questioning myself more and I hate it. I’m sure lots of guys do this it’s probably just a dominance thing. Most guys would be afraid of hurting girls but at least with another guy you can be as rough as you want. Guys are better at most things too so why not have sex with one just to feel good, a girl has never made me feel like this before. I mean I’ve never done this with a girl before but it’s not a faggot thing it’s just logic or whatever. </p><p>“How come you didn’t tell my friends about what we did even after I punched you?” I ask the question that’s been at the back of my mind since I found out he hadn’t ratted me out. </p><p>“That’s a secret you keep. You hurt me and I was upset but hurting you back like that wouldn’t have done any good.” He answers honestly with a shrug and I nod in appreciation. I don’t understand why a good guy like him would waste any time with an asshole like me. He could easily be with Alex right now but instead I’m here with him. Maybe they are just friends after all.</p><p>He takes a deep breath. “I remember your face that night, how scared you looked when you told me you can’t be yourself. I really meant what I said, with me you can always be whoever you want to be.” I felt his hand on top of mine and I flinched but then relaxed under his touch. My whole life I’ve needed someone like him who just accepted me for who I am. Someone that doesn’t force me or scare me into being someone I don’t want to be. If only it was this easy with everyone else but I know it will never be. I close my eyes to hold back the tears forming but his words repeat in my head and I let them fall. I hate that he’s seeing me cry I must look so fucking pathetic yet he still doesn’t judge me. I don’t know what to say, I’m never one to be speechless but for once I am, which is why I was glad when he broke the silence and saved me again. He let’s go of my hand and I miss the warmth of it against mine. He reaches into the draw by the bed and pulls out a stack of UNO cards with a grin on his face. </p><p>-----<br/>
I felt shitty leaving him like this without saying goodbye but he looks so peaceful sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb him. It will be fine, we exchanged numbers so I’ll think of something to text him on the way back. I won’t screw this up again, I can’t. Fucking hell, each day I’m sounding more and more like a fag. I shut the door behind me quietly before racking my brain to think of an excuse if the boys are up when I get back. </p><p>“Hey Monty!” I freeze as I hear someone call out my name and I already know who it is. It felt like my heart just dropped down to my fucking stomach. Bryce was the last person I want to see right now. What the fuck am I going to say? </p><p>I feel my voice catch up in my throat as I try to say something but nothing comes out besides a pathetic croak so I just nod in acknowledgement and hold out my hand as he jogs over and bumps my fist with his. “Dude what beauty’s room did you sneak out of?” He asks winking at me.</p><p>“What?” I ask confused but then I realise what he meant and I just laugh and elbow him. It was more laughing in relief that he didn’t know who I was seeing. He thinks I was sleeping with a girl. Good. </p><p>“Eh you know just some desperate slut that was giving me eyes last night. Couldn’t sleep so thought why not hit that shit.” I just shrug trying to sound like some of the guys on the team who tell us about their one night stands. Thank fuck I listen to those idiots sometimes because Bryce just congratulates me with a slap on the back and drops it so we just flow back into our regular conversations. Hopefully he doesn’t bring it up again in front of the rest of the guys but I doubt he will drop it this easily. Nothing in my life has ever been easy and nothing ever will be. But it could be with Winston. If only my father wasn’t a homophobic piece of shit who had ingrained into my head since I was eight years old that it’s a sin. I couldn’t even imagine the face of my father if I told him what I did last night, he would kill me. But there’s one person I could imagine telling and I think it’s about time I did even if the idea scares the about shit out of me.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was one of the more positive one's so far which made it fun to write because I especially love writing cute moments between them. Also sorry to disappoint those who want explicitly written sex scenes if I was good at writing them I would include them but alas I’ve tried and cannot.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Estela</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty decides it's time to tell his sister about Winston.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This is stupid and fucking crazy but I had to tell someone before I fucked up again. Never thought I’d be doing this in a million years but hear I am calling my sister about a guy I just fucked last night, telling her everything as she just listens in silence. Well technically not everything as I’m not going to go into any explicit details about what we did but still the important parts. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted off my chest but I still feel sick as I wait for her to respond. I’m not worried about her telling my dad she owes me that at least after all the beatings I’ve taken to protect her, I’ve just never talked about something like this before because I’ve never been in a situation like this before.</p><p>I am sitting on the weights bench in the gym furiously tapping my foot against the carpet as she realises I’m waiting for her to say something. I came here early and thankfully it’s empty so nobody will overhear us. “Oh my god Monty I am so fucking proud of you.” Estela beams sounding like she’s tearing up. Well that was unexpected, can’t remember the last time someone told me they were proud of me. I think this is the first time someone in my family has ever been proud of me. </p><p>“Seriously?” I ask feeling myself exhale the breath I had been holding in with a sigh of relief but still not believing that I actually told her about Winston. I knew Estela would be supportive but actually hearing her say those words weirdly means a lot. I guess after hearing all the shit my dad says and even what I say about fags it’s fucking strange to see her be so supportive, to not judge me or hate me like he would, like how I feel about myself. </p><p>She laughs at the confusion in my voice. “Of course I am you idiot. Sure, you fucked up and did something really shitty but you took responsibility and apologised, that is so unlike you. It shows he must really mean something to you.” I feel myself tense up as I shift from foot to foot not knowing how to respond. I’m not good at talking about my feelings and I just did a whole lot of that. I usually just find it easier to just shove my emotions down inside me but eventually after a while they explode and it doesn’t end well. </p><p>“I’m really glad you told me and I want you to know I support you. Don’t let whatever stupid shit dad say’s get to you and ruin your chance at happiness okay?” </p><p>“You can’t tell him any of this alright? He would kill me.” I say feeling my jaw clench as I try to keep myself from imagining what would happen if my dad found out. </p><p>“I promise. You better not screw this up though I have to meet him when you get back.” Estela tells me but we both know that’s not going to happen. Once this trip is over I can’t see Winston again. I just need to make the most of it while I have him but the idea of him and I seeing each other after this is just a stupid fantasy. Besides Estela nobody can ever know about us and I intend on keeping it this way so whatever shit happens on this boat stays on it. </p><p>“Oh wait before you go you’ve gotta send me a photo of him!” Yep now I regret telling her. </p><p>“Jesus Estela I’m not doing that.” I tell her but I know she won’t let it go. It’s not like I’m dating him or whatever so why does she need to see him. </p><p>“Hey you’re on a fancy cruise right now while I’m stuck here the least you can do is show me what your boyfriend looks like. Before this goes on further he needs to get your sister’s approval.” Estela jokes and I guess it’s fair because if she were interested in someone I would want to see if they were good enough for her. Plus, she’s stuck at home with dad so it’s the least that I can do but this is still an awful idea. </p><p>“Fine but never say that again. He’s not my fucking boyfriend.” I groan as I search up his Instagram or as his username puts it ‘Winstagram’. I’ve never cringed harder in my life than when he showed me that last night, I almost left him right then and there and I would have if I wasn’t as hard as a fucking rock. For someone so artsy and creative he really picked something only a twelve-year-old would come up with. I’m not sending the shirtless shot of him at the beach because that’s fucking weird so I scroll past his photos of random artsy shit until I find one of him wrapped up in a scarf and a massive coat, he’s standing in the snow and his nose is red. He looks cute. Disturbing thought to have coming from me considering I’d rather die than admit that but I can’t deny it he does. I’m sure any person would think that, I don’t mean it in a homo way. If it was a photo of a girl I’d probably say the same thing. No I wouldn’t.</p><p>I screenshot the photo and send it to her, regretting it as soon as I do but there’s no going back. I tell her I have to go because the boys are waiting for me and hang up before she can give me her opinion on him. I’ve already spent too long talking about boys with my sister and I fucking hate that. This isn’t me. I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve given someone shit for being a fag at school and here I am fucking a guy. This is so fucking wrong but what have I go to lose? I’ve already decided that after this trip whatever we have going on between us ends so I want to spend as much time with him as I can without anyone knowing because I can’t lie to myself. He makes me feel good, I’ve never felt like this before and I like it. </p><p>---- </p><p>I have a plan. My talk with Estela made me realise that I need to work out ways to spend time with Winston without the guys knowing. So here I am pretending to be sick and telling the guys to go out without me. This never worked when I was younger and trying to get out of school but it seems to be working now. I messaged Winston to tell him to make an excuse that he can’t go out if Alex asks him and he seemed happy to do so. It looks like Alex wasn’t so important to him after all. I punched Winston in the face and he is still choosing me over Alex. Not sure if that’s concerning considering when I hit someone they usually run for the hills every time they see me after that but I’m not going to complain if it means I get to spend time with him. </p><p>“Dude you sure it’s fine? I can stay back with you and we can just chill and play games if you want?” Scotty asks clearly concerned because I look like a fucking pussy pretending to be sea sick but I just nod. Scott’s an absolute legend, I trust him more than anyone else and I appreciate how he worries about me but just for today I need him to not care so much. </p><p>“Yeah man I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off or whatever and if I feel better I’ll catch up with y’all.” I reassure him and that seems to work as they finally leave. I text Winston to come to the room in ten minutes just to be sure they are gone by the time he gets here. I’m trying to straighten the spikes of my hair when he knocks at the door. I just want to look decent for him considering he’s always looking fancy with his rich clothes. </p><p>“Do you own any other clothes besides flannel?” Winston chuckles holding up a blue and green checkered flannel that was crumpled up on the bed and sits down in its place. He looks fancy as usual with his long black sleeve shirt and pants, he even has that scarf from the photo on. No fucking clue why he’s dressed for the cold while I’m fucking sweating after just walking out the door. I want to take it off, he’s wearing too many layers and so am I. But I’m not going to, I need to restrain myself because what the fuck am I going to do once this vacation is over and I never see him. Probably shamefully jerk off to his photos again. </p><p>I frown and snatch the shirt from him. “What’s wrong with flannel?” </p><p>He laughs giving his perfect smile as he slowly pulls off his scarf and I feel my cheeks heat up. God, I really am becoming a fag. This isn’t good. “Nothing. It’s actually kinda hot. Well at least on you.” </p><p>Jesus, I hate what those words do to me. From just looking at him you’d think he’s this innocent little twink but he’s definitely not. In reality I was the fucking innocent one between the two of us which is hilarious and embarrassing. He’s giving me that look again and I know what he wants but I won’t give it to him yet, not that easily. We are sitting on the bed and he’s leaning in closer to me now so I lean closer to him but just to grab the gaming controller’s from behind him. He looks disappointed when I pass him one of the controller’s and I can’t help but laugh, he looks like a little kid that wasn’t allowed to have candy. That kid was always me. </p><p>“I really like you Monty.” Winston says out of nowhere beaming at me, he looks like a literal ray of fucking sunshine and I’m going to be the storm that destroys him like I always am. </p><p>I felt my throat go dry as I flinch at those words and try focus on setting up the game instead of looking at him. “I told you Winston I’m not fucking gay. You’re a cool guy and I like hanging out with you but you can’t say shit like that.” I say defensively and I know I hurt his feelings but I’m just telling him the truth, it’s better than lying to him and pretending we have something that will never happen. </p><p>The controller clinks against the table as he puts it down and gets up. Great I’ve already managed to fuck up again. I sigh and shake my head before grabbing his arm to stop him. “Wait I’m sorry don’t go.” I’ve said the word sorry to him in this short time I’ve known him more than I’ve ever said it in my entire life.</p><p>“Why shouldn’t I? You keep telling me you’re not gay and I’ve already told you I don’t care? If you don’t like me then why are you here with me instead of with you friends?” He asks me and he’s not angry. He looks confused and disappointed. I think I would prefer him being angry at me, I don’t like seeing him sad. “I really don’t understand you.” He says sighing and sitting back down next to me as I let go of his arm. </p><p>I rest my arms on my knees and put my hands over my face as if blocking everything out will solve all my problems. Like if I can’t see him I won’t have to tell him because telling him why I’m like this makes me have to face the truth. The truth that I’m something I’ll never be allowed to be. “Neither do I okay? It fucking scares me because I could lose everything. My dad gives me shit for just hanging out with the guys so imagine what he was do if he found out what I’ve been doing with you?” I tell him and I clench my jaw as I feel myself start to break, I hate talking about my dad. I feel his hand around my arm as he slowly starts to pull my hands away from my face, he’s forcing me to look at him which is exactly what I don’t want to do right now.</p><p>“Nobody will ever have to know. I don’t want you to feel afraid and if what we have been doing makes you feel uncomfortable then we don’t have to do it anymore. I mean I won’t lie I really enjoy it but I’m cool even if we just hang out like this.” Winston tells me and I know it should make me relieved but I just feel worse because I have been enjoying fucking him. I even enjoy kissing him and doing it doesn’t make me uncomfortable it’s the thought that I like it is what I hate. But he’s right nobody will ever know, which is why I lean over and kiss him. I feel him flinch at first in slight shock but then he eases into the kiss and wraps his arms around my neck as we move back onto the bed. I throw the controller off my lap and behind me as I place my hands on his hips and he deepens the kiss but then I pull back. Fuck we shouldn’t do this here. The guys haven’t been gone for long but they could show up at any time and find us here with my shitty luck. </p><p>“Can we do this somewhere else?” I ask him climbing off him and he just nods not needing a further explanation. Jesus, I really don’t deserve him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Tried to keep this a semi wholesome chapter before the wave of angst hits again. Hope you enjoyed this chapter leave a comment if you want I really appreciate them❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Drowning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty and Winston's secret relationship becomes not so secret after someone finds out the truth.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I think that was the best fuck yet. I actually allowed myself to properly be in the moment and not worry about any of the shit I usually freak out about when it comes to Winston. I didn’t want to leave and I honestly could have gone for a third round but I had to get back to the room before the guys did and Winston understood that. Thank fuck luck was on my side for once and I got back fifteen minutes before they did. Turns out we are going to the pier later tonight and Winston messaged me that Alex invited him so guess I won’t need to spend the rest of the night missing his stupid face. We are back on the game grind just chilling playing Call of Duty again while Scotty is tearing the room apart looking for his phone because the idiot apparently lost it. </p>
<p>“Monty can I borrow your phone for a sec to call mine?” Scotty asks and I struggle to get my phone out of my pocket with one hand while trying to not lose my focus on the game. Once I get it out I chuck it back at him without looking, I don’t care if it hits anything its already got a fuck ton of cracks. Within a few second of calling from my phone his phone vibrates from underneath the seat cushions next to me. </p>
<p>Scotty thanks me after fishing out his phone from between the cushions of the couch then passes me my phone but he’s frowning and looks at me strangely. For someone who just spent the last half hour looking for his phone he doesn’t look too relieved now that he’s finally found it. </p>
<p>“Everything alright man?” I ask him slightly confused and he just nods and gives me a smile, snapping out of whatever was going through his head. Well that was fucking weird but I don’t spend any more time on it because I’m not losing this game to fucking Standall again. </p>
<p>“The fuck is this?” Bryce laughs breaking my concentration and I swear under my breath as Alex kills me in the game, fucking headshot how ironic. I turn around to see what Bryce is talking about and I felt my heart stop. Bryce is holding up Winston’s fancy scarf in the air, he must have forgotten it when we left to go back to his room. Fuck sake the universe couldn’t allow me to have a win for once could it. </p>
<p>“It’s mine.” Scott states almost instantly and everyone turns to look at him, Bryce frowns but throws him the scarf. Bryce looks to me probably hoping I had some gay joke ready like I always do but I keep my mouth shut. I’ve never been so confused in my life and that’s coming from me who has like two working brain cells so I spend most of the time confused but this is something else. Why the fuck would Scott say it’s his? Scotty is always looking out for me so does this mean he knows? I feel Scott’s gaze on me but I turn back to the game pretending I have no idea about whatever is going on. But on the inside I feel like I’m going to be sick and I grip onto the controller harder so he doesn’t notice my hands trembling.</p>
<p>Everyone seems to have already forgotten about Scott and the scarf within a few minutes except me. I couldn’t even concentrate on the game so now Zach’s taken over for me and doing a much better job than I was at destroying Alex who now seems pissy as usual while Bryce is lying back on the bed smoking from his bong making the room reek of weed. I still haven’t had the balls to look back at Scotty yet so now it seems like he wants to take matters into his own hands. </p>
<p>“Fuck Bryce it stinks in here I need some fresh air. Hey Monty want to come with me?” Scott asks standing up and stretching. </p>
<p>“Nah I’m good.” I say shrugging, hoping he will just drop whatever the fuck he is planning but he just stands there waiting. I know he won’t drop it and I’m not risking him bringing it up in front the guys so I groan before standing up and following him outside. </p>
<p>I need him to say something the silence has made me even more uncomfortable especially because it’s Scotty and after the Hobo Hotel shit we promised to never keep secrets. This is different though. I have no fucking clue what he knows but he must know something. I’ll just deny everything but first I need to act normal like nothing’s wrong. “Nice scarf Scotty steal it from your grandma?” I snicker hoping he will joke around with me like always but that plan goes to shit.</p>
<p>“Seriously Monty? You’re welcome by the way.” Scott says stopping to sit down at one of the benches by the pool. It’s getting late so there’s not many people around this area cause the pool is closed for safety reasons but if this conversation is going where I think it is then I will happily drown in the pool. </p>
<p>“Scotty I really don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” I say shrugging and sitting down across from him but I can’t look him in the eyes. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions but from him especially. </p>
<p>He sighs like he’s disappointed in me before continuing. “I know it was Winston’s scarf.”</p>
<p>“What that twink that Alex drags around?” I scoff but he’s still not buying it. Fucking Scotty can’t ever let anything go.</p>
<p>“He was wearing it in the photo you sent Estela.” Shit. I fucking knew sending that picture to her was a mistake. That’s why he acted so strangely after borrowing my phone. I don’t say anything to him so I just stare down at the floor. There no way of getting out of this now. I could get angry at him for snooping on my phone but he probably didn’t even mean to find it. I gotta start being more careful. </p>
<p>“Monty you can trust me I won’t tell anyone.” Scott tries reassuring me like it will fix everything, like I’ll spill my fucking guts out to him. But I won’t. It was a mistake even telling Estela. It was a mistake meeting Winston that night. It was a whole fucking mistake coming on this trip in the first place. I’m an idiot but deep down I know I don’t regret meeting him. </p>
<p>“There’s nothing to tell Scotty so drop it.” I snap and I know I shouldn’t get angry because he saved me back there but I can’t help it. The more people that know about this the more my life falls apart. Maybe Scotty and Estela can accept whatever is going on with me but I know the rest of the team won’t and without the team I have nothing. The team is my home. I take a deep breathe as I grip onto the bench trying to distract myself from the deafening sound of blood pumping loudly in my ears.</p>
<p>“Alright but if you ever need to tell me anything I’m always here for you. We are brothers remember that.” Scott pats me on the back looking at me unsure if he should give me time alone or not and he ultimately decides to leave me to go back to the room when I don’t say anything. I have nothing to say to him. I hope he just drops it and doesn’t bring it up again especially in front of anyone else or my life is over. </p>
<p>---- </p>
<p>Spending time with the boys is always a good time and the fact that Winston is here too should make it perfect but right now I’d rather be anywhere else after that conversation with Scott. We are all sitting at the edge of the pier drinking the beers Bryce managed to score with his fake ID from the tiny convenience store on the island. Once again Zach and Alex are quietly bickering like an old married couple but this time I don’t even have it in me to throw an insult their way. Scott and Winston are talking about god knows what and Bryce is on the phone with Chloe talking to her all sweet like he hasn’t been fucking other chicks behind her back this entire trip. I should be happy that Winston isn’t sitting with Alex because it means they aren’t joined at the hip anymore but right now I’d rather him talk to Alex instead of Scott. I haven’t said a word to him after our conversation, I don’t think our friendship will be the same again.</p>
<p>I’m sitting as far away from everyone as I can without it looking weird because I can’t be fucked to talk about anything right now. Thankfully nobody else has noticed I’m in a shitty mood or maybe they all have and are being smart by keeping their distance so I don’t blow up in a fit of rage as usual. I’m not complaining either way but I do feel kinda shitty about ignoring Winston when he said hi but Scott already knows so it would be risky to suddenly be all friendly to him now, I can’t have anyone else finding out. I know I should be relieved and feel good that Scott reacted well, that he didn’t hate me or see me any differently but I don’t. </p>
<p>“What’s up with him?” Winston asks Scott and I’m not sure if he intended me to hear but I do. I don’t want either of them to know I heard though so I just take another sip of my beer still waiting for the buzz to hit me. I’ve lost track of how many I’ve had at this point but I don’t care, I need enough so I pass out when we get back instead of lying awake all night and worrying about everything. </p>
<p>I don’t know if it’s the alcohol finally hitting me but I suddenly feel hot and overwhelmed like I can’t breathe sitting here and listening to everyone anymore and next thing I know my shirt and jeans are crumpled in a pile before I’m jumping off the pier into the water. Typical me, acting before thinking. Fuck its freezing but after a few seconds weirdly soothing, a nice distraction to get my mind away from everything. I know it’s stupid jumping into water when I’m drunk but at this point drowning doesn’t sound too bad. I try to keep my mind focused on the chill of the water against my skin but I can’t stop imagining Scott telling all the other guys about Winston and me. I can just picture walking down the school hallways to find the work fag marked across my locker and now I’m seeing the beating my dad will give me when he finds out. I’ll be outcast from the team and kicked out of home. Yep drowning sounds way better than that. </p>
<p>I hear muffled voices from above the water and I don’t even remember someone entering the water but now I feel two firm grips around my arms pulling me above the surface. My vision still feels blurry and I start coughing up water that comes out as a weird laugh-cough. I don’t know why but I can’t stop laughing and now I’m spluttering water out of my mouth probably looking like an absolute psychopath. No idea how they managed to get me up the ladder but now I’m lying on my back against the wooden pier staring up at the stars like I didn’t just almost drown. </p>
<p>I hope Winston realises how fucked I am and decides he wants nothing to do with me but when I sit up he doesn’t look disgusted or turned off he just looked worried like he wants to come over here and hug me or something but he doesn’t and I’m thankful for that. Nobody is saying anything even Bryce looks concerned. I fucking hate how they are all looking at me like I’m fragile or some shit. “Got another beer?” I ask breaking the awkward atmosphere with a chuckle and only Bryce snaps out it and laughs with me. Jesus, everyone needs to lighten up nobody cares when my dad beats the shit out of me but here they all are looking at me as if they actually care. Assholes.</p>
<p>“Monty what the fuck was that?” Scott asks folding his arms clearly not happy with me. He doesn’t have the right to be pissed at me not when this is partially his fault in the first place. He should have kept his fucking mouth shut.</p>
<p>“Chill Scott its fine, he’s alright. Right Monty?” Bryce asks raising an eyebrow and I’m glad he doesn’t expect an explanation like Scott always does. Bryce is always a sweep it under the rug kinda guy and I like that about him. But he’s not right. I’m not alright, not that anyone needs to know that but I feel more fucked in the head than ever. Nothing ever ends well for me.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The angst has just begun again so get ready! Leave a comment if you enjoyed this chapter :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Loser</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty gets a call that sends him spiralling back down again.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hangovers are the fucking worst. My head is pounding and the thought of food makes me feel like throwing up. I have no idea what time it is or how long I’ve been lying in bed with a pillow over my head and the curtains closed to block out the blinding light but once again I’m a fucking mess. I think the boys left after I yelled at them to get them to shut up after like the fifth time. I know Winston’s been messaging me because I had to put my phone on silent after he kept texting but after last night I’m too embarrassed to speak to him.</p>
<p>I know I was drunk but trying to drown myself was taking it too far even for me. I mean I wasn’t intentionally trying to drown myself I just reacted stupidly as always and didn’t think what I was doing through properly. But it’s just fucking hard having to pretend to be something I’m not. Having to fight who I am every single day and hate myself for it. Some days it just all gets too much and its tiring. I guess that’s how that Hannah Baker chic must of felt. I just thought she was a drama queen but you really don’t know what someone is going through.</p>
<p>I should talk to someone again maybe call Estela or even open up to Scotty but I can’t, not when I spiralled out of control when Scotty just asked me about Winston. Telling my sister that I am into a guy is one thing but admitting it to one of the guys is completely different. I don’t even know if I’m gay. I mean sure I never have been into a girl before but I just assumed that meant my standards were high but the fact that I couldn’t get hard when a stereotypically hot girl tried to get it on with me was the final nail in the coffin. Holy shit I am a fucking homo. No beating my dad has ever given me scares me more than the thought of admitting that. I’ve fucked Winston multiple times and yet I still denied that I’m gay to him. But I can’t be gay, not when my father constantly reminds me that being a fag is the worst thing possible.</p>
<p>My phone vibrates against the table as someone calls me and I pick it up ready to tell Winston to leave me alone but I feel my breathe catch in my throat as I see my dad’s name. Speaking of the devil. I could ignore it but that will probably just make him angry and lash out at Estela or mum so I’m not going to risk that. I take a deep breath not ready for whatever shit he’s going to go off at me for as I accept the call.</p>
<p>“Hey dad.” I say my voice raspy from just waking up.</p>
<p>“I saw Estela’s phone.” He snaps at me and I haven’t been awake for long enough to hear him complain about Estela, my head is still throbbing and his voice isn’t making it any better.</p>
<p>“So? What does that have anything to do with me?”  I try not to sound pissed but it’s hard when he complains about every little thing I’m sure Estela hasn’t even done anything wrong he’s just doing one of his random checks on her phone to control every aspect of our lives as usual. Which reminds me I need to delete every photo and text message I have of Winston before I get back. Oh fuck. The photo.</p>
<p>I feel my hands start to shake as I dread what he’s about to say. “I was worried she was talking to boys but it looks like she’s not the one I should be concerned about.”</p>
<p>“W-what are you talking about?” I ask cringing at how weak I sounded.</p>
<p>“Don’t play dumb with me you little shit you know I’m talking about the photo you sent of some fag to your sister.” He angrily scolds and I close my eyes to calm myself down, trying to stop myself from smashing my phone against the wall so I don’t have to answer him.</p>
<p>I could tell him the truth but then I don’t even know the truth. Do I really like Winston? No, it doesn’t matter because even if I did like him if I told my dad that I would have no home to come back to.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry dad. I got a few punches into the little twink you should have seen his face. Haven’t seen him since.” I tell him what I know he wants to hear and I feel fucking sick having to relive that moment again. A moment that I’ll regret for the rest of my life but telling him that wouldn’t help me now.<br/>
<br/>

</p><p>“Then why send a photo to your sister?” He asks evidently not believing my story yet. Every word that comes out of his mouth sends a stabbing pain through my head.</p>
<p>“I was drunk. Meant to send it to one of the boys. If the fag came near me again we were going to ruin him.” I reassure him, thankful that I sound as confident as I did because I feel like a fucking wreck on the inside.</p>
<p>“Good. Faggots will burn in hell you remember that Montgomery.” He tells me and I can’t tell if he’s believed my story but he hangs up so it must of satisfied him. I let out a breath I didn’t know how long I had been holding in, gripping onto my phone tighter to stop my hands from shaking.</p>
<p>He’s right. I’ve been living in some corrupt fantasy land. It’s wrong what I’ve been doing with Winston no matter how good it felt in the moment. I’ve risked so much doing what we’ve done and it’s got to stop. I pull up my chat with Winston, his last message was asking if I was okay. I know I’m going to break his heart doing this but it was bound to happen at some point so better than dragging this on and hurting him even more. <strong><em>Leave me the fuck alone. All of this was a mistake so if you want to keep your face in one piece you better not message me again. </em></strong>I sent the message as soon as I wrote it before I could even think it through. It’s done and I know there’s no going back from this so he better listen to me because I know if he doesn’t there’s no way I could go through with what I said in that message.</p>
<p>----</p>
<p>Funnily enough the stress of talking to my father and having to hurt Winston seemed to override my hangover and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I’m walking to the arcade, feeling my heart beat faster the closer I get. I don’t want Winston to be there, I’m not even worried about him telling the boys because I trust him although maybe I have taken his trust for granted and this was the last straw before he spills his guts to everyone. I wouldn’t blame him. What I’m worried about is seeing how much I’ve hurt him, he’s been so good to me and all I’ve done is hurt him. Hurting people is the only thing I’m good at it just comes naturally to me, it’s a fucking curse.</p>
<p>I finally get there and feel my heart skip a beat when I see him. Just like always he looks good, flowy white long sleeve shirt rolled up at the sleeves and tight black pants. Scott must of said something funny because he’s laughing along with Alex. They are sitting uncomfortably close together. Bryce calls me over and it seems like most of the guys are happy to see I’m actually alive and didn’t die of alcohol poisoning or something. Even Zach looks happy to see me, except Winston it’s like he didn’t even notice my arrival.</p>
<p>“That stunt you pulled last night was so fucking stupid Monty.” Alex tells me as I sit down next to Zach and he actually looks concerned. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I’m not a fucking pussy who needs sympathy like him.</p>
<p>“Whatever, like you can talk Standall.” I snap back at him even though I know he’s right but he can’t act all righteous while being a hypocrite. I look over at Winston but he’s just staring at Alex, like there’s nobody else in the world but him. Well he moved back to him fucking quickly, maybe it’s a good thing.</p>
<p>“Come on fellas play nice.”  Bryce laughs patting me on the back probably trying to calm me down so I don’t flip out and throw a bowling ball at someone. That someone being Alex, my fists and a bullet didn’t end him but maybe a bowling ball will. Who am I kidding the dude is indestructible for some reason. Alex whispers something to Winston and he tries to stifle a laugh as he puts his hand on his knee. I feel my body tense up just watching them, I know I have no right to be mad at Winston but he can do way better than fucking Alex Standall. The guy can’t even use his legs properly so I doubt his dick even works there’s no way Winston will be satisfied by him. Shit, why do I even care?</p>
<p>“That’s not fucking fair I don’t want to be on a team with two fags and ones a cripple.” I complain knowing that I’m hurting Winston once again but he doesn’t even seem to care so neither should I. I do mean what I say though I always like to be on the winning team and I think I deserve a win even if it’s for a stupid bowling game after all the shit I’ve been through.</p>
<p>“God, shut up Monty. I’ll switch teams with you then if it’s such a big deal.” Zach huffs as he gets up and goes over to the other side. Sneaky bastard probably just wants to get between Alex and Winston again, can’t say I’m against that though. I bite down on my lip to stop myself from smiling as I watch Zach awkwardly sit down next to them, neither of them look happy.</p>
<p>----</p>
<p>The game was surprisingly a lot more fun than I thought it would be especially because we won the first round but I honestly feel like more of a loser than a winner. All us of had to contain our laughter every time that Winston bowled because he’s absolutely hopeless, I don’t think he’s knocked down a single pin so far. Every time he bowls right into the gutter part of me wants to get up and show him how to do it properly but I stay put. Luckily for him Alex is somehow an absolute beast at this game, no fucking clue how he’s so good at it considering like half his limbs don’t work. Smug little bastard didn’t even bring his cane, probably wants to show off in front of Winston but watching him stumble around is hilarious. There’s no way Winston can actually be impressed- fuck I really need to stop worrying about what he thinks. It’s none of my business and I’m not a fag so I shouldn’t care.</p>
<p>“I need to go to the bathroom.” Alex announces, placing a hand on Winston’s shoulder to stable himself as he stands up. Zach immediately gets to his feet and I snicker along with Bryce at his eagerness, its embarrassing.</p>
<p>“I’ll go with you.” Zach holds out his arm for Alex to lean on but he just rolls his eyes and Zach frowns obviously hurt by being ignored, mumbling something before sitting back down.</p>
<p>“Winston will you come with me?” Alex asks, his cheeks turning red and Winston nods.</p>
<p>“Sure.” He responds softly and put his arm around Alex’s waist to steady him and I scoff loud enough for him to hear me but he doesn’t look back.</p>
<p>Bryce whistles as the two walk off and I laugh but my smile fades as I realise what’s happening. Jesus Christ are they going to fuck in the bathrooms? Scott’s staring at me but I just shrug and look away, I’m not letting him see how this is really affecting me. He already knows too much but whatever happened with me and Winston is over now so there’s nothing to know now.</p>
<p>It’s been five minutes and they still aren’t back. Bryce got us fries to eat in between the rounds but I’ve lost my appetite. I tell the boys I need to take a leak and it’s not a complete lie I do need to pee but I also wanted to see why they were talking for so long. I slowly make my way to the bathroom dreading the possibilities of what I’ll come across. Now I regret coming, I freeze at the sight in front of me, Winston has his tongue down Alex’s throat while his arms are around his waist. They aren’t even trying to hide, anyone can see them right outside the bathroom. Winston and I were never together, it was just a few hook ups and we’ve only known each other for a little over a week so it’s stupid but I can’t lie that it hurts seeing him with someone else. I silently curse myself for feeling so pathetic for being affected by a guy like this.</p>
<p>I fold my arms and clear my throat trying to look as disgusted as I can. “Fuck can’t you do your faggot shit somewhere else?”</p>
<p>Both of them pull apart, wide eyed and cheeks flushed. Winston won’t look me in the eyes as he shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at the floor. I said he couldn’t message me anymore not that he couldn’t speak to me but I guess he’s giving me the silent treatment. That’s my fault. I honestly don’t know what I expected because I threatened to hurt him yet here I am wanting him to fight for what we had.</p>
<p>“F-fuck off Montgomery.” Alex stutters obviously embarrassed by being caught making out with a guy. Don’t know why though it was obvious he was a homo from the second I saw him. I remember gagging every time I saw him kissing Jessica Davis, it was pathetic no idea how she thought he was into chic’s. Probably desperate.</p>
<p>“Whatever.” I say shoving past them into the bathroom slamming the door shut behind me as I clench my fists digging my nails into my palms to distract myself from the feeling of my lip trembling and the tears welling at the corners of my eyes. I’m not going to fucking cry. Not over a guy again. But I can’t ignore how much it hurt me to see him with Alex and the fact that Winston can’t even look me in the eyes anymore because I ruined everything again but this time we are done for good, no apology will fix this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter even if it was quite an angsty one. Also next chapter will be quite different from the rest :) Leave a comment about what you thought of it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Plan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>More secrets are revealed as Winston and Alex confide in each other.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is in Winstons POV.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex is cute and he’s a pretty cool guy but even though I hate to admit it he’s no Montgomery de la Cruz. Kissing Alex was nice but there wasn’t that fire and passion behind kissing him like there was with Monty. I’m pretty sure Alex felt the same considering we didn’t go further after that first kiss Monty interrupted last night so I think we are just going be friends, which I’m cool with especially since I still haven’t gotten over someone else. It feels nice to have a friend to confide in even if I have to leave out major details especially after the absolute roller-coaster of emotions Monty has put me through in the short time I’ve known him. It’s been refreshing having someone to talk to about guys even if it’s just silly celeb crushes or hook up horror stories with Alex considering back home the few friends that I have are cool about me being gay but they refuse to listen to my guy problems. Not that I’ve had many considering none of my romantic encounters last longer than a quick hook up at parties. But what I had with Monty was different.  </p>
<p>At first glance you’d think Monty was just like his friend Bryce and Hillcrest is full of guys like Bryce but behind all those fronts he puts up he’s truly just a broken boy who needs someone to love him, which is why part of me is struggling so much to give up on him. I know his pain, I know how hard it is to hide who you really are but I’ve never met someone so afraid of being loved and cared about. It makes me sad not being able to help him accept his true self and I tried my best but there’s nothing I can do now, he made that clear. He’s a classic closeted jock, tormented by internalised homophobia and I get that but I know there’s something darker within him, something that eats away at him every single day.</p>
<p>Alex and I have been chilling by the pool all day, specifically seated within the shade so we don’t end up looking like lobsters. I take off my sunglasses, awkwardly placing them on top of my head as I bring my knee up to my chest while the other dangles in the water. It’s calming being able to sit by the pool and relax, much better than being stuck alone in my room all break. </p>
<p>I knock my knee against Alex’s and he frowns at me for snapping him out of whatever thought he was lost in. “What lucky lad has you lost in dreamland?” I jokingly ask him to break the silence and his frown deepens.</p>
<p>“What kind of question is that?” Alex asks defensively and I stifle a laugh not expecting him to take it seriously. Not sure why I expected a different reaction considering in the little time I’ve known him Alex seems to be quite the serious one. He’s guarded just like Monty but not in the same way, quick witted words and sarcastic jabs seem to be his go to defence mechanism while from what I’ve seen Monty’s is his fists. I learnt that the hard way. </p>
<p>“Chill, I’m kidding but after that response maybe I am on to something.” I elbow him grinning mischievously, hoping hearing about someone else’s love life will distract me from the confusing mess that was my short lived fling- if you can even call it that. </p>
<p>He gives a half-hearted smile back and shakes his head. “Nope. Nobody would ever be into a sad skinny kid with a cane.”  </p>
<p>“Well as a fellow sad skinny kid I feel you but I do think the cane is kinda sexy so you one up me there.” I console him trying to keep a straight face as I wiggle my eyebrows and he rolls his eyes but this time gives me a genuine smile. It’s nice being able to banter around with him but I do wonder why he prefers to hang out alone. It’s not in the secret midnight meetings ‘no one can know about us’ way like Monty, it seems like he actually detests those guys and would rather spend his time with a complete stranger like me. “So…where are your friends?”</p>
<p>He shrugs but I didn’t miss him physically cringing at the word friends. “Don’t know, don’t care and they aren’t really my friends.” </p>
<p>“Alright well if they aren’t your friends how’d you score a two week cruise with them?” I ask genuinely curious but slightly teasing him and his cheeks redden probably realising how strange the situations sounded. I couldn’t imagine being stuck on a cruise with a bunch of guys I hated, already have to deal with pompous jerks at school all the time and I assume his school would have their fair share of assholes. </p>
<p>“Someone else bailed and I owed Zach after he helped me out with everything so here I am.” He shrugs then opens his mouth looking like he wants to say more but decides against it. Last night he mentioned his suicide attempt but I could tell he didn’t want to go on about it so I didn’t push him and I won’t now either. I’m happy he felt comfortable enough to tell me but it also made me realise that you never know what someone is going through so now I can’t help but worry about Monty especially after that night on the pier. It was scary seeing him so carless and finding humour in the fact he almost drowned. </p>
<p>“Well I’m glad you did come otherwise this entire trip would just be me and my camera’s.” I joke but feel my smile fade as I realise that wasn’t entirely the truth. I had Monty. We both flinch and weakly attempt to shield ourselves as a kid dive bombs into the pool a few metres away. Alex glares at the kid as he swims away and I can’t help but laugh. </p>
<p>“Wish we could have met a nicer way though. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to stop Monty from hitting you it’s just kind hard with that stupid thing.” He apologizes while motioning towards his cane that was propped against the pool chair behind us. After that day I swore to stay away from Monty but when he apologised I could tell he genuinely meant what he said so I let him back in just for him to hurt me all over again. I still don’t understand what I did wrong, it was going so well until out of nowhere he ended it. That message he sent was painful to read but I did what he wanted me to, which thanks to Alex has been easier than I thought it would. I haven’t looked him in the eyes since he sent it, even when I felt him looking at me. I won’t deny that he is always lurking in the back of my mind though, I could never forget the times we had or the feeling of wanting more. I can’t seem to let that troubled boy go and I don’t understand why I have grown attached to him so fast, I guess after being lonely for so long it was nice to connect with someone who really gets me. It’s corny but I thought maybe it was fate that we met. </p>
<p>“No I get it, don’t worry.” I reassure him and I mean it. It’s water under the bridge, I don’t want him feeling bad when it wasn’t his fault. I was an idiot to confront a closeted guy in front of his friends, guess I was foolishly still enchanted by the feeling of being with him the night before and couldn’t wait to see him again.</p>
<p>“You know Monty beat the shit out of me once.” Alex tells me with an awkward smile obviously feeling strange about bonding over being hit by the same guy. </p>
<p>“Why?” I ask frowning in confusion, wondering if there’s more to the story than Monty’s obvious anger issues and Alex’s inability to control what comes out of his mouth but he just shrugs.</p>
<p>“It’s complicated.” He mutters with a sigh but doesn’t elaborate so I guess he’s not going to tell me why and I just nod pretending to understand. Its complicated. What does that even mean? I mean Alex is into guys and even though he hasn’t accepted it yet Monty is too at least enough to hook up with me a couple of times. I can’t help but wonder if there was something between them. Monty never talked about past relationships so I just assumed he didn’t have any. The hungriness of his kisses, the way he trembled under my touch and the tightness of his grip around me like he was afraid I’d leave him, it was like he’d never been intimate with someone before. I’ll never forget the look on his face and the tears he tried to hide when I told him he could be whatever he wanted to be, I was just trying to comfort him but it seemed to break him even more. </p>
<p>Alex taps his hand on his knee tearing me out of my thoughts as he nervously chews on his bottom lip. Both of us seem to be troubled by something neither of us feel ready to talk about so I reach over and place my hand on his to calm him down. His skin is soft unlike Monty’s rough and calloused hands from endless days of sport and roughhousing. I miss the feeling of them on my skin. He looks down at our hands contemplating his next words. “Um…I guess you were right, I do have someone on my mind but I fucked it up and I can’t even look at him.” He tells me hesitating between each sentence as if he’s going to say something wrong. </p>
<p>Is he talking about Monty? I want to ask more, to know who he’s talking about but I can’t and if it is Monty I doubt he would tell me. “Is there any way I can help?” I ask hoping that focusing on fixing someone else’s problems will somehow help me with mine. I’ve never had a real relationship before but I like to think I’m pretty good with relationship advice. Not to brag but I have been surprisingly good with helping out a few of my straight friends with their relationship problems and considering I know nothing about girls I’m pretty proud of myself. If only I could use any of that advice for my own situation. </p>
<p>He shakes his head in defeat as he scrunches up his nose in frustration, its cute but I can’t help compare it to Monty’s perfect button nose scattered with freckles. I remember one night he fell asleep and I couldn’t help but trace them across his face with my finger. Yikes, I really need to stop comparing him to Monty.</p>
<p>“Not unless you can tell me why Zach tells me he’s not into guys and then out of nowhere kisses me when he’s drunk.” Holy shit, I have to stop myself from sighing in relief that it isn’t Monty who he’s talking about. So Zach and Alex? It honestly makes sense considering they first seemed inseparable when I met them and now Alex seems to be avoiding him like the plague. I wonder if that’s why he wanted to just hang out alone with me today and not the rest of the group, can’t complain considering its made it much easier to abide by Monty’s request or rather his threat. </p>
<p>His face is priceless as he realises his mistake, the colour draining from his already pale face. “Shit you can’t tell him I told you about this. I am always fucking up with this stupid brain injury .”</p>
<p>I just smile and pat him on the shoulder to reassure him but also I’m thankful I haven’t let Monty’s name slip whenever we talk. I doubt Alex would tell anyone but I would never forgive myself if I accidentally outed Monty and I don’t think he would either. “Your secrets safe with me. Promise.”</p>
<p>The sun has started to set and we decide to get out before our skin shrivels up from the water after realising we had lost track of time, purple already tinting the sky. I help Alex back to his cane but as we dry ourselves off with our towels I can’t help but reflect back on his words as a plan formulates in my mind. It’s probably ridiculous and petty but I don’t think my story with Monty is finished so I’m not giving up just yet and if it fails well at least I’ll never have to see him again. So on the way back to our rooms I ramble on about my ‘brilliant’ plan to help Alex with his situation with Zach. </p>
<p>“I think I can be on board with that.” He says hesitantly with a slight nervousness behind it and I can’t help but smile, why not kill two birds with one stone then. I truly want to help Alex but it can’t hurt to try and fix my situation in the process. Then I’ll know for good if there’s anything left worth fighting for. “But what do you get out of it?”</p>
<p>I throw my arm around his shoulder and grin. “Isn’t wanting to help out a friend good enough?” But he frowns obviously not content with my answer and I sigh. “Let’s just say you’re not the only one having trouble in paradise.” </p>
<p>I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I never bought Monty that drink the first night. Would Alex and I still have become friends? Maybe we could have been more than that if we both weren’t caught up on guys we probably have no future with. But I have this weird feeling that no matter what happened Monty and I were meant to meet so I will fight for one more chance at happiness.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter as it was a bit different from the rest. Next chapter will go back to Monty but let me know if you want me to do any more Winston chapters in the future :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. The Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Monty finally opens up to a friend.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a beautiful day in paradise. The sun is shining, the sky is clear, the birds are chirping and I feel like absolute shit. Last night we all got shit faced with some rando’s that were friends with a chic Bryce has been fucking. It seemed like a good idea during the time because it gave me the perfect excuse to stop thinking about Winston while he was out all day with Alex except now I’m stuck with another hangover. Bryce and Zach still haven’t gotten up but Scotty decided to drag me out of bed to come with him for breakfast at some café on the island.</p><p>“Man I am never drinking again.” I groan and rub my temples hoping to ease some of the pressure that’s been building in my skull since Scott woke me up. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve said that but if I had a dollar for each time I’d surely have enough money to escape the hell hole I’m supposed to call home.</p><p>Scott laughs evidently amused at my suffering as he pushes his coffee towards me and I take a sip without even thinking, doing anything to distract me from my splitting headache. God its awful, it’s like what I imagine drinking tar would taste like. “Why the fuck would anyone drink this.” I splutter, spitting the remanence of whatever coffee taste is left in my mouth back into the cup. Scott closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and I honestly would rather him snapping at me than this weird protective parent act he’s got going on, he’s treating me as if I’m fragile or some shit. </p><p>“You and that Logan guy seemed to be getting on well.” He says trying to change the conversation before I can give him another reason to snap at me. </p><p>“So?” I ask a little too defensively as I munch on my sandwich, crumbs flying out of my mouth as I speak and Scott frowns. He’s used to my lack of manners but that doesn’t mean he approves of them. </p><p>“Nothing just thought he seemed cool.”</p><p>“He’s a fucking fag.” I don’t even remember why I talked to that guy in the first place. He wasn’t even a lowkey gay like Winston, he was a mega fag like that twink Ryan. I knew he was a homo from the second he opened his mouth. I think by talking to him I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t into guys and it worked. Wouldn’t even let that dude suck me off. All that glitter and shit on his face was off putting, he looked like a girl. Fuck. Maybe that did the opposite of proving my point. </p><p>“Who cares that he is? Nothing wrong with that.” Scott tells me, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair. I don’t get how it doesn’t bother him, guess it helps not having a dad remind you every day how bad being a fag is by giving you shit and calling you a faggot for even just hanging out with the team. </p><p>He’s looking at me, eyebrows slightly furrowed and I know that face well enough to tell that he’s got something on his mind but whatever it is I don’t want him to say it. “Did Alex come back last night?” I ask feeling like that question isn’t too out of the blue considering we are on the topic of homo’s. </p><p>Scott just shrugs and takes a bite of his toast, making sure to wipe the crumbs off his mouth extra slowly as if he’s showing me how a normal person should eat. “Not sure. Why do you care?” </p><p>“I don’t.” I tell him and its true because I don’t give a shit about Alex but I still want to know if he stayed with Winston. If he’s replaced me. I know it’s none of my business since it’s my fault it’s over anyways and I’m not a fag so I shouldn’t care but I can’t lie that it didn’t hurt seeing him with Alex. </p><p>“So this has nothing to do with whatever happened between you and Winston?” He asks raising an eyebrow and I have to cough not so subtly so I don’t choke on the lasts of my sandwich at the sound of his name. </p><p>“There’s nothing happening between him and me.” I say clenching my jaw and looking down at the crumbs left on my plate because I can’t look him in the eyes as I contemplate what I’m going to say next. The hurt in my voice made me uncomfortable because it made this all feel so fucking real. I guess I really do still care for him, which is why I need to be brave even though this scares the shit out of me because if I admit there was something between us there is no going back. “At least not anymore.” </p><p>“Jesus Monty what the fuck did you do?” He asks in the same disappointed tone he always uses when I fuck up, he’s still treating me the same even after I admitted I had something with a guy. I know he told me that he doesn’t care but is it really this easy? </p><p>I sigh and close my eyes to avoid having to look at his face but also to concentrate on where to begin. So that’s where I start, right back at the beginning to the first day on the cruise when I caught him taking photos of me. Photos I’ll probably never be able to see now that I completely destroyed any chance of us even being friends. It was only a little over a week ago but it feels like a fucking life time ago. Just like Estela did Scott listens in silence the entire time I stumble around my words as I try to tell him everything- well again technically not everything I’m not going to go into any details like Winston sucking my dick or me jerking off to photos of him in the shower but still enough so he can understand why this has me so fucked up. </p><p>Scott shakes his head with a laugh of disbelief and leans forward in his chair. “Holy shit man, Winston’s a good looking dude you better make it up to him or he’s going to find someone else.” </p><p>I scoff, didn’t he hear anything I just said there’s no way to fix this. Make it up to him? No matter what I do there’s no way Winston would ever want to see me again after everything I’ve put him through. Plus after finding him with his tongue down Alex’s throat he’s already evidently moved on from me. It’s too late to fix it and the sickening feeling of when I got that call from my dad still lingers in the back of my mind. “I can’t my dad would fucking kill me if he knew what I did with Winston.”</p><p>“Monty your dad isn’t here and since when do you care what your dad thinks?” He asks and it’s easy to say that when he’s not the one being beaten every day. Sure I don’t give a shit about what my dad thinks, I stopped caring the day I realised nothing I do will ever be good enough but I also don’t want to give him another reason to beat the crap out of me. “The amount of times you’d come to the hobo hotel with a black eye or a bloody nose because your dad went after you for no reason proves that no matter what you can’t do right. So if Winston makes you happy don’t let him take that away from you.” </p><p>“It doesn’t matter if he makes me happy because even if I do fix this I’ll just fuck it up again. It’s what I do.” I tell him and I mean it, Winston is better off without me. He seems like the guy who would want to see me after this to go on romantic dates or some shit and I could never do that, even if I wanted to. </p><p>“You’re right, not worth fighting for.” Scotty agrees telling me bluntly and I frown. The fuck is his point? First he was telling me to go for it if Winston makes me happy and now he thinks I should give up? Is this that reverse psychology whatever bullshit or is he finally remembering how fucked up I am. </p><p>“What the fuck Scotty?” I say raising my voice, getting frustrated with his antics but quickly look around, paranoid that someone has overheard us but thankfully all the other tourists seemed too wrapped up in their own conversations to give a shit about us. </p><p>Before Scott can reply the waitress comes over and we pay the bill with Bryce’s card that I swiped from his wallet this morning- not that he’d care and we set off down the boardwalk towards the pier that I almost drowned at a few nights ago. It’s our last night docked at this island and can’t say I’m going to miss it.<br/>
He still hasn’t answered me so I’m guessing that he meant it as some deep shit I’m meant to work out myself. Funny now that I want him to talk he keeps his mouth shut. Dickhead. </p><p>“So you don’t think it’s weird that I’ve been fucking a guy?” I ask him struggling to get out the last part of the sentence. </p><p>He frowns as if he didn’t hear me but then he shakes his head. God dammit I was hoping he’d ask me again and I could change what I said as I’m already regretting continuing this conversation. “Monty I’ve known you liked guys from the first day we met when I caught you checking me out after our first baseball training. I took it as a compliment though.”</p><p>Jesus I wasn’t checking him out I was just appreciating his physique, it’s not gay to acknowledge someone’s hard work, we can’t have unfit guys on the team. “I wasn’t fucking checking you out.” I mutter almost inaudibly as I struggle to believe my own words. </p><p>“There’s nothing wrong we all go through phases or whatever. I mean honestly I even found Clay Jensen kinda cute at one point.” He chuckles and sits down once we make it to the end of the pier but I stop taken aback by his comment. </p><p>“The fuck? Cory Jensen?” I laugh in disbelief, why anyone would think that lame little twerp is cute is beyond me. </p><p>“What he has… nice teeth.” He laughs and I shake my head as I sit down next to him still not sure if he’s making this up to make me feel better or if he genuinely is insane and means it. </p><p>“God Scotty don’t be such a fag.” I scoff and then we look at each other before breaking out into a fit of laughter. I really needed this, can’t remember the last time I had a laugh that brought me to fucking tears. Damn I’m going to miss him like hell when school starts back, it’s not going to be the same without him there or Bryce. </p><p>“Anyways that’s beside the point. What I’m saying is nobody cares or will give you shit for it and if they did you’d probably bust their teeth.” He grins and he’s right, I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to throw a few punches but it’s not the same. Maybe some of my friends will understand but there’s no way the whole football or baseball or wrestling team will be okay with it especially after all the times I’ve been preaching homophobic shit. If the school had an anti-gay club I’d surely be elected as the president for it, how ironic. </p><p>I wipe the tears from my eyes and for once they are actually tears of joy and not the shameful ones that I’m always trying to hold in. I sigh knowing I’ll need to confront the truth out loud again. “Maybe it's erm.. not exactly a phase for me.” </p><p>Sure I didn’t outright say it but we both know what it means. Maybe it's more than just messing around for me. I’ll never be able to say the words out loud because that means admitting it and I could never. It would be my fathers and honestly even my worst nightmare. I think I’ve always known but thanks to my dad it’s been buried deep inside me my entire life hidden behind endless walls of fear and rage that only Winston could get behind. It’s why I was drawn to him so fast and why I don’t think I’ll be able to let him go. It’s not like I love him or whatever, I haven’t known him long enough and I don’t even think I have the ability to love someone but he just understood me like nobody else did. Around him I could be myself. </p><p>Scott nods like he already knew that as he throws his arm around me and I try to shrug him off, I don’t need his pity. I fucking hate people feeling sorry for me, which is what you get when you walk around with a broken arm or a black eye all the time yet nobody ever does anything. I feel my body tense up and my fists tighten, I hate being so automatically defensive all the time. It’s draining. “So? That means you really did like Winston then.” </p><p>Fuck why did he have to bring Winston up again. Instead of all the times we had together now all I can think of is seeing him with Alex. It fucking burns me up inside. “Yeah I did. Maybe I still do but he’s with fucking Standall now.” I say gritting my teeth and I flinch as I feel a small sharp pain in my hand to realise I got a splinter from gripping onto the wooden planks from the pier so tightly. Not the first time I’ve hurt my hand due to Alex. </p><p>“Alex? Huh so that’s why Zach’s been so pissy lately.” He jokes and we laugh but it’s true Zach acts like a bloody lovesick puppy when Alex isn’t around. He still won’t admit he’s into him even though we all know it, he keeps saying he feels responsible for Alex trying to shoot his brains out but we all know that’s just some bullshit excuse to follow him around all day. It’s nice to be back to laughing at someone else’s expense I’m starting to feel like myself again. </p><p>This talk with Scotty is exactly what I needed, fuck I love the guy. Not in a homo way though- he’s my brother. It’s made me admit parts of myself I don’t ever think I’ll be able to accept but it was still refreshing to be able to talk about this shit with someone. I trust him when he says he won’t tell anyone considering he’s never told a soul about the hobo hotel. All I need to do now is decide if I’m going to try get Winston back. Easier said than done that’s for fucking sure.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for keeping Wonty apart for so long don't worry there will be a reunion soon but hope you enjoyed this chapter! I appreciate any comments to keep me motivated :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Last Chances</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loud music pounds against my head from the speakers behind me. Jesus, I haven’t even taken a sip from my drink yet and I’m already getting a headache. The ships having another party but lucky for me this time no suits or fancy shit needed. So flannel it is. I’m even wearing my blue and green flannel for Winston because I remember him telling me the day we spent together that it was his favourite because it made the green in my eyes stand out. I asked him if he was blind because my eyes are clearly brown but he told me in certain light that they have ‘flecks of green’, whatever that means. Doubt he even remembers that conversation at this point though, probably done his best to block me out completely.</p><p>“Yo, Zachy where’s your boyfriend?” I ask smugly as I pucker my lips and kiss the air, earning an eye roll from Zach but he keeps them trained on the doors. I know who he’s looking out for because I am too. Alex and Winston still haven’t shown up. I don’t even want to think about what they could be doing. </p><p>“I don’t know Monty where’s yours?” Zach retorts and I stiffen but still force myself to laugh because I know he was only joking to get back at me. There’s no way he could know about what went on between me and Winston but I look to Scotty nervously and he just shrugs to confirm he didn’t tell him anything. I knew I could trust him. Zach takes a sip of his beer and walks off before I can even respond, probably a good thing because I had no idea what to say to that. I honestly think Zach’s taking the Alex and Winston situation worse than I am.</p><p>Scott rambles on about some shit about college that I couldn’t care less about as I absentmindedly tap my beer against the table to the music but I don’t want to be rude so I just nod like I’m listening. Unlike him I don’t need to worry about college until next year and I doubt I’d get into any anyways. </p><p>We’ve almost been here for half an hour but I’ve been cautiously sipping at my one beer so I can actually think clearly when I get the chance to try to speak to Winston. I turn my head to look at the doors once more and that’s when I finally see him.</p><p>Winston looks like he stepped out of one of those old black and white Hollywood movies that my mum loved to watch when I was a kid, I fucking hated them because they were boring but right now my eyes won’t allow me to look away. He has a way of making everyone else around him look like absolute garbage, especially me. It takes me a solid few seconds to even notice Alex clinging to his arm, he reminds of one of those angry small dogs that old ladies carry in their bags. </p><p>Winston’s flowy black shirt is rolled up to his elbows and I can’t help but notice how nice his arms look. I finally force myself to look away and focus on some dumb chic that’s definitely smashed as she flops around to the music like some absolute spastic and that manages to almost instantly stop me from getting a hard on over him. How the fuck does he still have this affect on me by doing absolutely nothing?</p><p>Alex looks over to us and nods in acknowledgement earning a wave from Scotty but I just scowl at him. I’ve never liked Alex but I don’t think I’ve hated him as much as I do now. </p><p>Scotty tells me he’s going to the bathroom but I barely even register what he’s saying as I realise Winston still hasn’t noticed me but I want him to so I pull out my phone and without even rereading my message I send it. </p><p>Winston uses his other arm that isn’t occupied by Alex to fish his phone out of his pocket and I hold my breath as he reads the message. </p><p>You look good. I watch nervously as he slowly looks around until his eyes land on mine, his expression unreadable but I felt my heart sink as he slips his phone back into his pocket and laughs at something Alex said. Wait, did Alex see the message? Are they laughing at me? Winston isn’t like that, right? Maybe he didn’t even see the message and I’m overreacting. I’m holding on to my beer so tightly that I’m surprised it hasn’t smashed and my hand isn’t full of glass shards yet. If he did see it this wouldn’t be the first message he’s ignored. After my talk with Scotty yesterday I sent him a message to talk but he left that on read.</p><p>I check my phone to see the dreadful little tick next to the message. Read, so he did see it. Fucking hell I’m going insane. I get that he’s pissed at me for threatening that I’ll beat him up or whatever but I doubt I would have actually gone through with it. Who am I kidding I already hit him once why wouldn’t he think I’d do it again. I’m an awful person. I don’t know how else to speak to him it’s not like I can beg for his forgiveness in front of everyone else especially now that Alex has leeched onto him. </p><p>The worst part is that it’s not just my text messages he’s ignoring, he still won’t even look at me properly. Yesterday I even risked going up to him to say hi by the juice bar when he came with the boys to get lunch but he ignored me and left me there looking like an idiot, even the bloody shop worker looked like they had second hand embarrassment for me. I guess I deserved that. Maybe he wants space but he has to know that I do not have an ounce of patience in me, I can’t just wait around. Last night Scott told me to take it easy because you can’t force forgiveness, that I need to give him time but we don’t have fucking time when the cruise ends in half a week. At this point I don’t even know what I expect from this situation but all I know is that I don’t want him hating me anymore. Man I’ve gone soft, since when have I ever cared if someone hated me? I usually thrive off of conflict. </p><p>“You know staring at him like a creep isn’t going to fix anything.” Scott yells over the music, walking back over and making me jump, scaring the absolute shit out of me. Fuck, I was staring at Winston again. I quickly look around to make sure nobody else heard him but the music was too loud for anyone to hear. </p><p>I let out a breathe and elbow him hard in the ribs as he sits down on the bar stool besides me. “Jesus, never do that again.”</p><p>He lets out a laugh while simultaneously rubbing the spot I elbowed. That would have hurt but the asshole deserved it. “Sorry couldn’t miss the opportunity.” He shrugs with a grin obviously pleased with himself. </p><p>“Where’s Bryce?” I ask noticing his absence and its strange because Bryce is never one to miss a party. Guess I didn’t realise he wasn’t here until now because I’ve been so preoccupied with watching the two twink’s across from me, one more than the other since it seems like Zach’s already given up on Alex. Lazy bastard’s dancing to the music alone, a beer in each hand without a care in the word. </p><p>“Not sure dude but it’s not hard to guess.” Scott says grinning and we both crack up. Classic Bryce probably saw a chic he liked the look of and is already half way back to the room. I reckon his serial hook up spree is sort of revenge for Chloe cancelling on him but I mean her fault for saying no to a free vacation. </p><p>Winston holds up his arm and Alex struggles to twirl under it, stumbling around and almost falling but Winston steadies him by placing his hands on his hips. I clench my jaw so hard at the sight of him with Standall that I thought my teeth would shatter. That little shit gets the sympathy card from everyone else but I wouldn’t mind fucking up his other leg. Wouldn’t do me any good he’d probably asked Winston to carry him around anywhere. </p><p>I shouldn’t be mad, I’d never be able to dance or hold hands with him in public like Alex can and he deserves someone who could. But he also deserves better than Alex who’s probably only with Winston to get back at Zach. </p><p>I feel sick just watching them, how can they be so free like that and not care that they are two dudes dancing together in a room full of people. But I still can’t help trying to picture myself like that. With my hands on Winston’s waist and his arms around my neck. I don’t hate the idea of it but it could never happen. I’m so deep in thought that I don’t even notice that the two of them had made their way over to us. Scott greets them both with a smile but I don’t even bother saying hi, not when Winston still hasn’t acknowledge me. I guess two can play at that game then.</p><p>We are standing by the bar so Winston asks Alex if he wants anything but he just shakes his head so he just orders some fancy drink I couldn’t even pronounce the name of for himself. The song changes and before Alex can even try to awkwardly sit down on the bar stool Zach bounds over and grabs his arm, trying to pull him onto the dance floor and obviously too drunk to even remember Alex is a cripple. </p><p>“What the hell Zach?” Alex argues frowning as he tries to yank his arm free from Zach’s grip. </p><p>“Come on it will be like old times y’know like that time in your room.” Zach winks slurring his word’s and Alex looks back apologetically at Winston who just nods at him to go. I was so busy watching the train wreck in front of me that I only just realise Scotty has been subtly elbowing me and motioning his head towards Winston. </p><p>I raise my eyebrows and shake my head in confusion. He looks back at Winston who is leaning again the bar moving his head along to the beat before whispering to me. “Ask him to dance.”</p><p>How much has he had to drink tonight because I swear this idiot just told me to ask Winston to dance. “The fuck did you say?” I ask laughing in confusion. </p><p>“Dude, you heard what I said. Do it or I will.” Scott frowns at me and I laugh at him again. There’s no way he is serious, he’s completely lost it. I swear I didn’t see him drink more than a beer or two tonight. </p><p>Scott looks at me one more time before placing his beer down with a sigh and stepping towards Winston. No fucking way. “Hey Winston you wanna dance?” He asks and Winston looks taken aback looking just as confused as I am but then his face softens and he grins.</p><p>“Sure.” He shrugs still smiling and sculls the rest of his fancy drink before putting it down at the bar, his eyes locking with mine for just a second before he turns back to Scott and follows him to the dance floor. </p><p>I scoff and turn around not wanting to watch my best friend dance with the dude I was just fucking a few days ago. Jesus, before this trip I never thought I’d ever imagine that happening. </p><p>I go to take another sip of my beer but someone throws their arm over my shoulder, knocking me forward and my drinks spills down the front of my shirt. Motherfucker. “Don’t expect me to ask you to dance buddy.” Bryce chuckles, suddenly showing up out of nowhere but clearly completely trashed, he’s even struggling to stand up straight.</p><p>“The fuck have you been?” I ask, pissed that he has ditched us once again and because he made me spill my drink on myself. If it was anyone else I would have started to beat the shit out of them by now. Thanks to him I now reek of fucking beer. He just pats me on the back and smiles, too drunk to even register what I asked him but he turns around to get the bar tender’s attention. </p><p>My shirt is completely soaked so I make my way to the bathroom hoping to clean myself with paper towel but honestly at this point I just want to go back to the room and sleep. I try to rub down my shirt with paper towel but there’s still a massive wet stain on the front so I keep rubbing, I know it’s not helping but I kinda feel like it’s a calmer approach to getting my anger out. Better than going out there and punching someone.</p><p>Fuck Alex for taking Winston from me. Fuck Scotty for not having my back and making me looks like an even bigger asshole for not asking Winston to dance and fuck Bryce for ditching us the entire trip to mess around with sluts all day. </p><p>The door squeaks as someone enters the bathroom and I’m about to tell them to fuck off before I smash their head against the sink for no reason besides being in the same room as me while I’m in a fit of rage but then I freeze at the sight of him.</p><p>“Need any help with that?” Winston asks smoothly taking a step towards me with a slight smile like he hasn’t been ignoring me for the last couple of days. </p><p>“Oh so now you’re fucking talking to me?” I ask and I don’t care that he flinches at the anger in my voice because I’m pissed. Looks like my whole plan of winning him back has gone to shit thanks to my temper. </p><p>Winston scoffs and folds his arms. “Montgomery you were the one who told me not to speak to you again if I wanted to keep my face in one piece.”</p><p>I know he said that to show he is pissed at me but fuck I can’t lie the way he says my name is kinda hot. God I’ve turned into a fucking fag. “I know and I regret it okay? I’ll make it up to you.”</p><p>Before this trip those words would have sounded so foreign coming out of my mouth, the only time I ever apologised was to try and soften the beating I knew I was about to receive from my dad. </p><p>He sighs and runs a hand over his face. “Haven’t we already been here? I can’t do this again. I really liked you- I mean I even had this whole stupid plan of winning you back.”</p><p>“Y-you did?” I ask raising my eyebrows in confusion but I have to hold back a smile from knowing he actually cared. But if he wanted to win me back then why the fuck has he been ignoring me this whole time?</p><p>He nods giving me a half-hearted smile but his eyes look sad. “I did and when you said hi to me the other day I really wanted to talk to you. It’s been so fucking hard trying to pretend that you don’t exist.”</p><p>“Then stop. We can try again.” I say taking a step towards him, giving him a genuine smile. </p><p>“How do I know you won’t pull the same stunt again?” He asks and I don’t blame him, I’ve already hurt him twice in the short time we’ve known each other but I need another chance. I know I’m bound to fuck up again but I want to try my best, Scott made me realise how much of an impact Winston has really made on me. </p><p>“Meet me at midnight. Tomorrow at the same place the first night we met.” I tell him repeating his words from that night but he still doesn’t look happy. The smell of beer from my shirt is burning my nose but not even that can distract me from trying to win him back. I feel like I’m about to throw up and I’m not sure if it’s from that or nerves. </p><p>He frowns and I start to get nervous that maybe he won’t ever forgive me. That I’m making a fool out of myself once again. “I don’t know Monty.”</p><p>“Is it cause of Alex?” I ask cringing at the evident hurt in my voice. I’d never let any of the guys hear me sounding this pathetic but at this point I’d get on my fucking knee’s and beg him for another chance.  Guess I really am living up to the jokes of being a loyal dog except this time it’s not Bryce I’d do anything for. </p><p>“Does it matter?” He asks. Yes. I want to tell him it does matter but instead I just shrug, digging myself an even deeper grave. </p><p>“Look Winston, I’ve said what I needed to say so it’s up to you now.” I tell him and with that I walk straight past him and out the door not giving him a chance to answer. Fuck, I let out the breathe I had been holding in but I still don’t feel any better even after talking to him. Now I don’t know if I’m more worried about him not showing up or the fact that I still have no idea what I’m going to do if he does show up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The reunion is finally starting to happen! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, leave a comment to let me know what you thought of it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Fire Festival</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What the fuck am I gonna do Scotty?” I ask pacing back and forth as I run my hand over my face and groan. Scotty and I are at the bar getting drinks while the rest of the boys are chilling by the pool minus Winston but I wasn’t going to ask Alex where he is. It’s a good thing he isn’t here today cause I’m already stressing out about tonight.</p><p>“Monty, chill we will work it out okay? Just sit down.” Scott reassures me, patting the stool next to him. I slump down on the chair and nervously start tapping my shoe against the ground, which he laughs at. Glad one of us is finding humour in this situation.</p><p>“Even if we do I’ll manage to fuck up somehow along the way.” I tell him but Scotty barely even looks like he’s listening to me as he taps away at his phone. Some friend he is. </p><p>“Priorities man, priorities.” He says shaking his head at my constant self-doubting but then he smiles and holds up his phone. “Bingo. Look what I found!” </p><p>I frown at the screen. It’s a teeth whitening ad. Is he saying I need to fix my teeth to get Winston back? Didn’t think they were that bad. “Is this a joke?” I ask looking back up at him, ready to knock his phone out of his hand if it is. I’m not in the mood for this shit. </p><p>“Oh shit, stupid ad. Sorry.” He pulls the phone back and laughs, clicking the screen before holding it up to me again. This time it’s an event page about some fire party on the beach on the island we are at. It’s got pictures of fire twirlers and shit. I grin back at Scotty, he’s a life saver. I have no idea if Winston will like this but hey its better than nothing. </p><p>---- </p><p>Everyone is already trashed. Scotty and Bryce are chatting up some girls and Zach has disappeared somewhere with Alex so looks like it’s going to be easier to slip away than I though it would be and the beach where the fire festival or whatever is at is on the other side of the beach, far enough so none of them will see us. Perfect. All I need to worry about is Winston showing up. </p><p>For once I’m glad rather than pissed that the boys are too preoccupied with girls to even notice me. I take one last look at the guys before slipping off into the night, heading back towards the ship. </p><p>Shit he’s already here, I thought I’d have more time to prepare myself. I’ve rehearsed what I’m going to say to him about a million times in my head but once I see him I forget it all. My hands have begun to sweat and I wipe them against my jeans nervously as I slowly walk towards him. I don’t get how he has this effect on me, nobody makes me nervous. That’s usually my job but every time I’m around him I feel at a loss for words. It’s fucking weird. </p><p>His back is to me and from the way he’s anxiously tapping his foot against the floor it seems like he’s been waiting for a while. I slip my phone out of my pocket and check the time. My stomach sinks when I see it. 12:25. Shit, how have I already managed to mess this up. </p><p>Part of me feels relieved though, he hasn’t left yet. That must mean something right? I look back up and he’s already started walking off. “Wait Winston!” I call out and he stops in his tracks then turns around, frowning at me with his arms crossed. He’s clearly not happy.</p><p>“You came?” I say stating the obvious with a smile and he just shrugs looking like he would rather be anywhere else but here. </p><p>“Yep but maybe I shouldn’t have.” He says, rocking back and forth on his heels and his face is unreadable. </p><p>“I’m sorry.” I say pressing my lips together, feeling shitty that I made him wait for me when I was the one who asked him here. I seem to be saying that a lot. He his eyes lock with mine and he just stares at me. I think he wants an explanation but I don’t have one besides being a fucking idiot who can’t even keep track of the time.</p><p>“I got kinda lost in the dark.” I say and it’s not true but he doesn’t need to know that. I think it sounds better than no excuse and makes me seem less of an asshole than he already thinks I am. </p><p>His eyes light up at how ridiculous my excuse is and he tries to hide his smile by looking down at the floor. “Erm don’t worry I kinda just got here a minute or two before you anyways.”</p><p>Huh, so that little bastard wanted to make me feel bad by making me think he had been waiting for all that time. Can’t be mad at that so I just grin. “Guess I haven’t fucked up yet then?”</p><p>He gets a mischievous glint in his eyes and hesitantly walks over to me before whispering in my ear. “Don’t be so sure about that, the nights still young.”</p><p>His breath against my neck sends chills down my spine and I find myself having to dig my nails into my palms to distract myself to stop my dick from reacting, it’s too early for that. </p><p>“So are we going to stand here all night or…?” He asks raising his eyebrows and I realise I haven’t even explained why I asked him here. I guess I’m still shocked that he actually turned up. </p><p>I motion for him to follow and we start walking back the way I came from in the darkness, the only light coming from the tiny lanterns along the ship’s railing. I sneak a look at him as he’s focused on trying not to fall over in the dark, his curly hair blowing in the wind and I find myself wanting to reach up and run my hand through it but I don’t. </p><p>“You’re not taking me out here to kill me right?” He grins and I frown but he nudges me with his elbow. “I’m kidding.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it was the other way around though and he wanted to kill me after the shit I’ve put him through. Who am I kidding, with his twig arms I doubt he could even hurt Alex in his cripple state. </p><p>“Pfft, I know.” I say a little too seriously and we both look at each before cracking up. It’s nice to see him happy again especially because of me. It’s a good break from having him ignoring me all the time, I missed this. Once we get off the ship I can hear the faint sound of music in the distance and I think that means we are heading in the right direction. </p><p>“So where are we heading then?” He asks me, the camera around his neck swinging side to side with each step. I swear he never goes anywhere without that thing. I find myself wondering if he’s kept the photos he took of me. </p><p>“Some fire thing on the beach.” I mutter still not really sure whatever the fuck this thing that Scotty has sent us to actually is. It’s pretty much pitch black at this point so he takes out his phone to use it as a flashlight</p><p>“Fire thing?” He asks, eyebrows raised as he lets out a confused laugh and licks his lips.</p><p>I sigh and scratch the back of my neck to avoid looking at his lips any longer. “I mean it was either this or getting shit faced with the guys.”</p><p>“So you’d rather spend time with me over your friends?” He asks practically beaming and I swear he suddenly has a skip in his step. </p><p>“Maybe.” I say smirking and I can see his cheeks burn red under the light of his phone, which he switches off once he notices me looking at him. It’s a relief to see I can affect him the same way he does to me.  </p><p>Our shoes get filled with sand as we walk down the beach and Winston has to awkwardly lean on me to take his shoes and socks off. I attempt to take mine off on my own and almost fall over but thankfully he grabs onto my arm and steadies me. I’m glad it’s dark because I’m pretty sure my cheeks are now as red as his now. </p><p>We’ve finally made it to the fire festival and it’s absolutely chaotic. There’s music playing, loud drums banging and people dancing around with batons lit on fire. I look over at Winston and can’t help but admire how nice he looks against the glow of the fire. I think he realises I’ve been staring at him because he looks at me and I have to pretend that I was watching people across from him. </p><p>There’s three dimly lit stalls in front of us; one for drinks, one for jewellery and one for art or whatever the lady is painting on people. Winston puts his hand on my shoulder and I flinch at the sudden contact but then ease into his touch. “Want a drink?” He asks and I nod, thinking a drink will do me well to calm my nerves. We dump our shoes in a pile by a log. </p><p>“I’ll join you in a second.” I tell him as he leaves me to join the line at the drink stand and I walk over to the other stalls. An old woman smiles at me as I stop in front of her stall, half her teeth are missing and I awkwardly smile back not wanting to be rude. If the boys were here I probably would have been an asshole and made a joke to make them laugh. Luckily they aren’t. </p><p>“He’s a very handsome one, a keeper.” She tells me with a wink in a croaky voice motioning her head towards where Winston stands. </p><p>I do my automatic paranoid look around, it’s almost impossible to make out the strangers faces in the dark but I don’t want to accidentally risk running into anyone here but the boys are far off along the other side of the beach. I need to relax. “Uh yeah sure.” I agree awkwardly while looking down at the jewellery on the table in front of me. </p><p>“For you and him.” She notices me staring at two silver chain bracelets then picks them up and hands them to me. They both have turtle charms, one on each paired with a blue stone on one and a yellow on the other. They seem kinda girly but I think Winston will like it and I’ll never admit it aloud but I do too. </p><p>“Oh erm how much?” I ask reaching for my wallet but she shakes her head and smiles again. </p><p>I start to question this lady’s sanity as her eyes start to tear up. “No money. Your love has made me happy.”</p><p>Yep I reckon this lady may have had a few too many coconuts to the head from the tree’s above, that or she’s been trapped on this island for too long. Winston and I aren’t in love. I don’t think I even have the ability to love. But I’m not going to argue when I’m getting free shit. </p><p>“Thanks.” I say and this time I give her a genuine smile back, fuck I wish my parents were as sweet as this old lady. I slip the two bracelets into my pocket and turn around just as I see Winston walking towards me, a drink in each hand. </p><p>He passes me a drink and I frown as he smiles at me. “The fuck is this?” I ask looking at the strange drink he’s handed me. It’s bright pink in an overly large glass with orange foam up the top and a tiny blue umbrella stuck into it. Jesus, it looks like the ultimate fag drink but I’m not going to tell him that when he’s smiling at me so happily.</p><p>“No idea but be careful she said it’s got a kick to it.” He tells me and laughs at me as I take a sip and at first its sweet but then my nose scrunches up as the alcohol hits me, there’s the kick. Fuck it’s strong. </p><p>We sit on the log we left our shoes at a few metres away from the fire dancers and cautiously sip at our drinks in silence. </p><p>“So no flannel?” He asks me as he tries to balance his drink between his knee’s before pulling up his camera to take a photo of the fire twirlers. </p><p>“Erm thought I’d try something different. You don’t like it?” I ask looking down at the floral shirt that Scott let me borrow from him. Thought he’d appreciate the change considering he made fun of my closet being made up of almost only flannel. </p><p>He aims his camera at me and snaps a picture before I even get a chance to react. “No it’s nice but not very you.”</p><p>“You prefer the flannel then?” I ask raising my eyebrows and he grins as he contemplates his next words.</p><p>He leans forwards and whispers for the second time this night. “You know I love the flannels but honestly I prefer you in nothing.” </p><p>I suddenly feel very hot so I take another sip of my drink and try not to choke as his words still replay in the back of my mind. Around the boys I’m as confident as can be but around him all of that seems to fly right out the fucking window. I don’t get how Winston has this natural cocky and sexy charm that I wish I had. </p><p>I don’t think I’ve ever felt self-conscious in my life, not even when Winston was sucking my dick for the first time. But right now in this moment I can’t help but compare myself to him. We are from two completely different worlds but he’s never seemed to judge me like that, hell even Bryce gave me shit for my tattered hand me down flannels when we first became friends. I feel like I could tell him anything and maybe the alcohol is partially to blame but I decide to say something I never expected to bring up tonight or ever. “Can I tell you about my dad?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter leave a comment below to let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Scars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Never in a million years would I ever think I’d be in this situation but here I am lying on my back in the sand, staring up at the stars drunk off some exotic drink on some foreign island with the dude I’ve been secretly fucking telling him about my psychopath of a father. The world works in the strangest of ways.</p><p>“He came after you with a hammer?” Winston repeats what I just said, his hazel eyes wide in disbelief and I drunkenly laugh realising how crazy it must sound to someone who doesn’t know my situation. Welcome to my life. Poor kid is probably so sheltered with his rich parents that my life must sounds like a fucking horror movie to him. </p><p>“Yep, ended up breaking my arm that night.” I say grinning after I take a sip of the drink Winston couldn’t finish, I’ve gotten used to the overwhelming flavours of the drink at this point. I’ve ended up drinking both of ours because after the first sip Winston couldn’t handle it and ended up getting a beer. It’s his fault if I end up completely trashed. </p><p>Winston frowns at me, probably concerned about my sanity seeing me smile while reminiscing about the times my dad has beaten the shit out of me. Guess smiling through the pain is something I do so often that I have never realised how fucked up it is. Better than sobbing my eyes out in front of him. “Jesus.” He says propping himself up on his elbow to look down at me, having to shift his arm to stop it from sinking in the sand.</p><p>“Still got the scar.” I say squinting in the dark and I can just make out the light pink mark across my forearm as I hold it out to him. Winston’s eyes flick up from looking at my arm to my eyes as if asking for permission and I don’t say anything so he slowly reaches across and traces the faint line on my arm and I let him. It’s a strangely soothing feeling and I find myself frowning when he pulls his hand back. </p><p>“Why the hell isn’t he locked up already?” He asks me, eyebrows creased and I press my lips together in a thin line so my face doesn’t give away the pain talking about my dad is causing me on the inside. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve asked myself that question. </p><p>“It’s fucking complicated alright.” I say harsher than I wanted to but he just nods and doesn’t ask any more questions. I’m not used to being this open with people. Except I’ve also never felt this safe telling someone about my past before. </p><p>We sit in silence for a few minutes and I don’t like it, I think he’s scared to say something in case of setting me off again and I feel bad. I want to apologise for snapping at him because it’s not him I’m angry at but I don’t want to keep saying sorry to him all the time so I just change the subject. </p><p>“Do your parents know?” I ask breaking the silence and wanting to know more about his life considering I’ve now spent an unbearable amount talking about mine. The only time I ever talk about my family is when Scotty forces it out of me during our stays at the infamous hobo hotel, even Bryce gives up on trying to get me to talk about my dad to him. </p><p>He raises an eyebrow unsure of what I’m asking. “Know what?”</p><p>That you’re a fag. I don’t say that though, I use that word all the time but right now it just seems wrong. It would hurt him. “That you erm like guys?”</p><p>“My parents are always busy with work so they never paid much attention to me but I think they had their suspicions and I confirmed it when I was around eight.” He says chuckling, probably replaying the memory in his head. I wish I had family memories to smile about.</p><p>“What happened?” I ask and I’m genuinely curious especially from his reaction. I can’t lie though, seeing him smile like that twists the knife deeper into the memory I’ve never been able to forget. We were both eight, he smiles fondly about the memory while mine will haunt me for the rest of my life. The almost invisible scar on my nose that only I would be able to point out now is a permanent reminder of that. </p><p>“Well one night while we were eating dinner I went on a full rant about why I hated Gabriella because Troy belonged with me. Think it was pretty obvious after that.” He says and holds his hands over his mouth as he lets out a giggle. This dude just fucking giggled and instead of making fun of him here I am thinking I’ve never heard a cuter sound in my life. The fuck is in this alcohol? I love seeing him this happy, there’s no way I could tell him about the dark memory I’ve buried deep down. At least not now. I don’t want to see him feeling sorry for me anymore. </p><p>“High School Musical? Seriously?” I pretend to gag but can’t supress my smile when I see his mockingly fake hurt expression. </p><p>“You watched it?” He asks sitting up in surprise, probably trying and failing to imagine a little Monty singing and dancing along to that like a little Winston would have. Never happened. </p><p>“God no, but I remember Estela was obsessed with that shit when we were younger. I wanted to smash the TV every time it was on.” I laugh cringing at the memory of Estela singing along to that garbage but I stop laughing when I remember the time my dad actually did smash the screen in one of his drunk rages, I leave out that part. </p><p>“Estela, is that your sister?” He asks and I nod, shit it’s been a few days since I last checked up on her. I was still pissed that dad saw the picture of Winston she made me send so I’ve been ignoring her messages. I’ll call her first thing in the morning, if that bastard father of ours has hurt her I’ll fucking swim back home if I have to and kill him.  </p><p>He bends his knee’s as he sits up and props his head at a funny angle and I can’t help but smile at how adorable he looks. Definitely the alcohol making me think like this. “Are you two close?” </p><p>“I guess so.” I tell him with a shrug, not sure if we would be considered close by normal sibling standards because in my household it’s safer to stick together. Over the years we’ve kinda grown apart thanks to my dad as both of us try to stay home as little as possible. </p><p>“I wish I had a sibling. Being an only child get’s pretty lonely, especially when your only friend growing up is the maid.” He says laughing nervously, probably embarrassed about being a loner as a kid but I get it. Growing up I struggled to make friends, the kids in my neighbourhood never wanted to play cause their parents wouldn’t let them because of my dad. I guess that’s a reason why I’m so loyal to Bryce, he was my first proper friend that never judged me. </p><p>I nod understanding him but I still don’t want to go back into talking about my shitty childhood again. “Can I ask you something?” </p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>I hesitate what I’m about to ask him because I don’t know how so I start off simple. I’ve never been one to be good with words. “Why me?” </p><p>“Why you what?” He asks letting out another giggle and leans forward to take a sip of my drink. His face scrunches up and he shakes his head regretting that decision, so I purposely scull the rest of it and smirk to show off like the arrogant asshole I am. </p><p>“The first day of the cruise, I caught you taking photos of me.” I tell him and it’s hard to tell but I think he’s blushing. That day feels like a lifetime ago, in such a short amount of time so much has happened. </p><p>“I thought you were beautiful.” He says smiling shyly and shrugs, avoiding looking in my eyes and I’m glad I’ve finished my drink because I probably would have choked on it if I had heard him then. </p><p>“Beautiful?” I repeat his words and laugh, shaking my head and holding onto my stomach as I try to contain what has turned into a drunken mess of uncontrollable laughter. If it had been anyone else I would have thought they were making fun of me and would have them pinned to the ground as my fist pounded into their face but Winston is different. I won’t ever hurt him again, well at least physically. </p><p>I look back at him as I finally control myself and notice his expression, he’s no longer smiling. Shit was he being serious? </p><p>“Yes and to prove it here-“ He picks up his camera, shoulder against mine as his head is inches away from my face and I find myself looking over my shoulder once again to check if anyone is watching us. They aren’t. Everyone seems to be crowded around the fire twirlers dancing like some fucking cult. </p><p>He starts clicking away at his camera and grins when he finds whatever he was looking for. “I wasn’t going to show you until later but I can’t have you deny your beauty.” He winks at the word beauty, the alcohol giving him even more confidence that he definitely doesn’t need. </p><p>I look down at his camera as he shoves it in my face and the little bastard is right. Somehow he’s made me look fucking breathtaking. It’s a photo of the night we first hooked up on the beach. I’m standing there shirtless and it looks like I’m glowing or some shit in the moonlight. The water droplets on my face are sparkling, fuck he’s good at this shit. Instead of the scowl that’s permanently on my face I actually look peaceful. I don’t know what to say so I just awkwardly nod in agreement and that seems to be good enough for him. </p><p>The drums increasingly get louder behind us as people cheer and dance to the music. I notice Winston looking back at them and I sigh. I know what he wants to do but I can’t do it. </p><p>I turn back and he’s staring at me now. Winston leans forwards and I actually think he’s going to kiss me out here in front of all these people. Part of me is panicking but another part wants him to do it. Instead he fixes my hair, his hand lingers longer than it should have and I’m actually disappointed that he didn’t kiss me when he leans back again. Is he fucking teasing me? I wouldn’t be surprised. </p><p>“Want to do something?” He asks with a sudden burst of energy, draining the rest of his beer before passing me the empty bottle with a cheeky smile and I have no fucking clue what he wants me to do with it. He’s seriously like a child sometimes. </p><p>I roll my eyes at him and place the bottle with the two empty cups I piled up next to our shoes against the log. I could just imagine Estela going on a whole rant about littering if she were here. “Like what?”</p><p>Winston gets to his feet and holds out his hand to help me up with a mischievous grin that makes me nervous. “You’ll see.”</p><p>So I take his hand and I don’t let go as I pick up my shoes with my other hand and follow him past the mob of people dancing around the fire and into the forest. I don’t even think about the fact that we are holding hands in public. Nothing could ruin this night and with each step into the darkness I find myself wanting to tear his clothes of more and more. It takes everything in me not to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just in case you’ve forgotten the memory Monty was referring to was briefly mentioned in chapter 4. Hope you enjoyed this chapter let me know what you thought of it!</p><p>(Also I'm quite busy with school exams now so won't be able to update as frequently but will try my best!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Fruit Loops</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We stumble further into the darkness laughing like fucking idiots, trying to lean on each other as we clumsily attempt to put on our shoes as our hands are still intertwined. I think I may have put my shoes on the wrong way around but I’m way too drunk to even check. Winston lets go of my hand to brush his hair out of his eyes and I miss the warmth.</p><p>Its dark, I can’t even see him now but I don’t care. My head is buzzing with alcohol and every part of me wants him so badly. My eyes finally adjust to the dark and I can just make out his silhouette, which is good enough for me. I step forward, almost crashing into him as I pin him against the tree and my lips are on his but he pushes me back.</p><p>“Oh fuck come on Winnie are we seriously going to keep playing stupid games?” I groan, trying to do the impossible of ignoring the newly formed hard on in my shorts.</p><p>He giggles stepping closer so I can finally see his face and I frown, confused at what he finds so amusing. “Winnie?”</p><p>Fuck, didn’t even realise I called him that.  “Nicknames are kind of my thing everyone gets one so don’t feel too special .” I tell him trying to brush it off but it still doesn’t get rid of the grin plastered on his face. It’s true even fucking Ty Ty gets a nickname and I hate the little shit but I love the thrill it gives me every time I use it and see the fear in his eyes. Winnie however is kinda cute just like him. Sober me might disagree and want to kill myself for even calling him that but that’s a tomorrow problem.  </p><p>“Well I like it, even though it reminds me of that cartoon bear.” He whispers in my ear with a laugh as he slowly brings his arms around my neck and I finally think I’m going to get what I want but when I lean in he moves his head back and I curse under my breath. I thought I fixed everything so what the fuck is wrong?</p><p>Winston realises how frustrated I’m getting so he quickly presses his lips again mine but just as quickly steps back and holds out his hand. “You owe me a dance.”</p><p>“The fuck do you mean?” I ask, the irritation evident in my voice but I don’t care. I’ve had to deal with him being all over Alex for the past few days and now that I finally have him to myself he won’t even let me kiss him for more than a second.</p><p>“Poor Scott gave me a pity dance because you couldn’t dance with me that night and I get it but now nobody is here so I demand that you give me one dance.” He tells me still holding his hand out and I can see he’s trying to act all serious as I laugh at him but I hesitate as he waits for me to take it. For some reason dancing with another guy even when no one else will see us scares the shit out of me. Sure it probably sounds ridiculous considering I’ve fucked and made out with the dude but guys do that for fun all the time, I’m sure of it and this is different. But if Scotty could do it even when he isn’t into dudes and if this is the only way of winning Winston back I’ll do it. Doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy it though. Also I know he won’t take no for an answer.</p><p>I feel my heartbeat race as I take his hand and feel his body up against mine. He puts his arm around me again and I can feel his breath tickle my neck. We’ve been this close before but not like this where I can really notice shit. In fact I’ve never realised that he’s slightly taller than me and that he smells like mint mixed with smoke from the fire at the same time, it’s weirdly hot. Better than the shit that burns your nose that girls use.</p><p>At first dancing is awkward especially because we are in the dark and almost crash into a fucking tree but the fact that we can both laugh at it in our drunken states makes me ease into it pretty quickly. Putting my hands on a guy’s hips after being so used to having to dance with girls felt weird but now I realise it’s never felt as right as it does now. Everything that’s been missing when I tried forcing myself to like girls all makes sense now because of Winston.</p><p>“I missed you.” I whisper into his ear, completely caught up in the moment saying something that I don’t think I’ve ever said to anyone in my life. Maybe it’s the alcohol in me talking but I don’t even regret telling him that. I want him to know how much he means to me, how much its fucked me up knowing I hurt him.</p><p>I can practically feel the grin on his face against my neck. “I missed you too.”</p><p>I can’t help but scoff and pull back to look into his eyes, my hand slipping off his waist and the other letting go of his hand. It’s dark but his eyes are so fucking big that there’s no way I could miss them. “Oh yeah? What about Alex?”</p><p>“You jealous?” He asks even though he already knows the answer otherwise he wouldn’t have that fucking smirk on his face. Winston turns his face to the side probably trying to work out what I’m thinking from my face in the dark and the glow from the fire behind us catches his face. God he looks so fucking good. I don’t think I have the vocabulary to accurately describe how he looks.</p><p>“No.” I tell him bluntly with a shrug but then I see his face falter and I sigh in defeat. “Fine, maybe.”</p><p>With that the little bastard’s smirk is back, fuck his cockiness turns me on. We just stare into each other’s eyes not saying anything and I feel my breath catch in my throat. I try to take his hand again to continue our stupid dance because he’s making me nervous and I don’t like it but this time he takes me by surprise and pushes me back against the tree and before I know it his lips are pressed against mine.</p><p>“Alex… was a… nice distraction… from you.” He manages to say in between kisses and I shove my tongue further down his throat to stop myself from letting him know how much I wanted to snap Alex in half when I saw them together. I know he hates violence and I don’t want to ruin this. Violence is usually my answer for everything but not right now, not unless I want him hating me again.</p><p>My knee is against his crotch and I’m glad to see he’s just as hard as I am. I bet Alex can’t do this to him. He runs his hand down my chest and slowly starts to unbutton my shirt as I quickly do an involuntarily look around to make sure no one can see us.</p><p>“You got a…y’know.” I ask him purposely avoiding using the word condom, which is stupid but I still don’t want to admit we are fucking out loud and saying that word is basically the same as saying sex.</p><p>Winston frowns trying to decipher what I’m saying. Once he realises what I’m referring to his face relaxes but he then scrunches up his nose in annoyance. “Shit no. Got them back in my room though.”</p><p>Guess we are going back to his room then.</p><p>----</p><p> </p><p>After god knows how long of drunkenly stumbling in the darkness with Winston making me carry him on my back part way until we got back to the ship because I wouldn’t be caught dead with him on me like that we finally make it back to his room. Room 32.</p><p>The second we get back into his room I face plant on to his bed, my back fucking kills after carrying him. I like to pride myself on my strength so I’m not going to let him know that but damn for a guy who looks like a fucking twig he isn’t as light as I thought he would be.</p><p>I feel the bed sink next to me and he nudges me so I roll over to look up at him. We both know what we want so we waste no time in ridding ourselves of our clothes but then a loud noise tears through the silence and Winston looks at me with wide eyes before we both erupt into a fit of laughter. What a way to kill the mood.</p><p>My fucking stomach is going crazy probably because I was so nervous about tonight with Winston that I just realised I haven’t had a single thing to eat all day. No wonder the alcohol hit me so bloody hard, I’ve been drinking with an empty stomach.</p><p>“You hungry?” Winston asks the obvious, poking me in the stomach and earning another growl of starvation. I attempt to poke him back but he slips right past me and wraps his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder.</p><p>It’s something simple I see guys do to their girlfriends all the time and I usually just roll my eyes but fuck it feels nice being this close to someone. Not that he’s my boyfriend, that’s never going to happen. It’s just that I never got any affection from my parents growing up and before Winston I never let anyone touch me like this, so even though I hate it admit it, I’m enjoying this.</p><p>“I guess so, got any food?” I ask praying that he has anything to eat in this room because at this point I could eat a fucking horse. Not that he would have a horse in his room. Would be funny if he did though. Fuck I’m still drunk.</p><p>Just like the room I’m staying in with the boys, Winston’s room has a mini kitchen except instead of a pile of snacks and beers dumped on the counter like ours his is completely bare. I imagined his would be stocked full of fancy and gourmet shit since his parent’s basically own the place.</p><p>“Anything your heart desires- or in this case your stomach but that does come with the price of another adventure out there.” He says hesitantly motioning to the door with his head, his eyebrows are slightly creased and I think he’s worried I’ll make him go get the food by himself.</p><p>I try to weigh up whether I risk running into the boys or if it’s not worth it and I should starve but my phone vibrates and I pry it out of my pocket and squint as my eyes hurt trying to adjust to the brightness of the screen against the darkness of the room.</p><p><strong>Scott:</strong> Boys are out cold. Safe to come back whenever ;)</p><p>Just from reading that message I feel my body relax, no longer tensed up from stressing about accidentally bumping into one of the guys out there. I got nothing to worry about now, its three in the morning there’s probably no one out there anyways.</p><p>Winston looks down at my phone’s cracked screen and shakes his head with a grin. “Honestly if you painted that it would be quite the pretty mosaic.”</p><p>“Huh?” I frown still too drunk to even begin to work out what he meant but he just laughs at me anyways. He has a pretty laugh, if laughs can even be called pretty.</p><p>“Nevermind.” He shrugs but he’s still grinning and we just stand there staring at each other except he’s awkwardly rocking back and forth like he’s waiting for something. Oh shit, I haven’t answered him on whether I want to trek it to get food, that and we are still standing here half naked. “So? We going or..”</p><p>I’d rather say fuck food and get straight back into what we were about to do before but I know my stomach isn’t going to shut up until I fill it. “Sure, why the fuck not lets go.”</p><p>----</p><p> </p><p>It’s still dark but the sides of the ship are still lit up with lanterns covering us in a golden glow so whenever our hands bump against each other or our eyes linger too long I can’t help but check to make sure no one saw it. It’s like the alcohol has suddenly flipped a switch part way through the night and I’m suddenly paranoid as fuck that someone will see us. I think Winston has noticed but he hasn’t said anything so I don’t think he’s too bothered at least.</p><p>Winston elbows me and I look back at him hoping he isn’t going to call me out on that. “You look really handsome.”</p><p>His words catch me by surprise and I look down at the ground, biting my lip to stop myself from smiling. I get girls calling me shit like that all the time but it never means anything, doesn’t have the effect on me like his words do. My heart beat’s gone mental just after hearing that one word. I don’t know how to respond, I usually just shrug it off but I want to compliment him back. I don’t think I’ve ever gone out of my way to compliment someone before, this is foreign to me.</p><p>“Erm- thanks you do too I guess.” I murmur hoping my words get lost in the wind but I know he heard me when he lets out a giggle and links his arm around mine but when he feels my body go rigid he lets go without a word. I appreciate it even though it makes me feel bad that I’m too much of a coward to ever be able to do something as simple as that in public.</p><p>We get to the ships restaurant building and I frown still not understanding how the fuck we can get food from here when it’s three in the morning and its closed. Winston struggles to get something out of his wallet and I don’t even acknowledge what he’s doing until the door opens. “Holy shit you’re like James Bond or something.”</p><p>He gives me a wink but then laughs and shakes his head as he holds up a key card. “Perks of having parents that own the place. Appreciate the Bond comparison though.”</p><p>Winston holds the door open and I stare at him the entire time, my hunger is the only thing stopping me from fucking him against one of the tables. I don’t care if its unhygienic or whatever, my dick has a mind of its own. Probably a good thing we don’t though I’m sure this place has security camera’s. Jesus imagine if I got arrested for getting caught fucking a dude in a restaurant, as hilarious as that sounds it’s enough to completely eliminate that thought as a possibility.  </p><p>“Where’s the fucking food at?” I ask as my stomach lets out another rumble and I follow Winston into another room, which he uses the card again to open.</p><p>We walk through the door into complete darkness and Winston flips a switch revealing endless rows of fully stocked shelves. Man he’s really living the dream, I’d love to say fuck it all and just live on this ship with free food and alcohol with him for the rest of my life.</p><p>“Go crazy.” He tells me as he leans over and grabs an apple from a crate full of them. Who the fuck eats an apple when you have basically a whole fucking supermarket in front of you to choose from.</p><p>I stand there swaying back and forth, my head still spinning from the alcohol that apparently hasn’t left my system yet. I don’t even know what I want, I’m kind of overwhelmed by the amount of options and Winston seems to have noticed.</p><p>“Want anything in particular?” He asks looking back at me, taking a bite of his apple after wiping it against his jeans.</p><p>I’m never one to be indecisive, maybe it’s because at home we never get an option in the first place so I just say the first thing that pops into my head. “Fruit loops.”</p><p>Winston frowns at me then lets out one of his adorable laughs. “You could have anything and you want fruit loops?</p><p>“Says the one eating an apple.” I retort staring at the half eaten apple he was about to take a bite of and he smiles, holding his hands up in surrender.</p><p>“Touché. Just thought you’d want- I don’t know a steak or something filling like most athletes I imagine do. Also kind of wanted to show off my cooking skills.” He says clearly knowing nothing about athletes but I’m impressed cause I can’t even cook a steak without burning it.</p><p>“You cook?” I ask trying to picture Winston cooking when I imagined he would have chefs or go to fancy restaurants cause he’s rich.</p><p>“No but I was willing to try. There’s the fruit loops though.” Winston points to the box before handing me his half eaten apple and walking over to the shelf full of cereal boxes. It’s on the top shelf and even though he’s tall he still struggles a bit before he can reach it and I can’t help but notice how fucking good his ass looks in those jeans.</p><p>I chuck the apple on the floor as he hands me the box and without even thinking I tear it open then grab a handful of fruit loops and shove it into my mouth. I let out a sound that’s almost a moan, which earns a laugh from Winston. I bet neither of us imagined food would be the one to get me making noises like that tonight.</p><p>My knees are killing me so I shove the pile of cleaning equipment on a table to the side before sliding back on to it and getting straight back to eating. Fuck these fruit loops taste like absolute heaven.</p><p>I’m busy munching away on fruit loops when a bright flash of light comes out of nowhere and blinds me, disrupting my very important task of demolishing the entire box of fruit loops. “Jesus, what the fuck?”</p><p>Winston lets go of his camera so its back to dangling around his neck and his face turns red. “Shit sorry didn’t realise I had the flash on.”</p><p>My scowl turns to a grin and I grab a hand full of fruit loops and throw them at him, most bounce off him and scatter across the floor but some get stuck in his hair or catch on his shirt. He’s covered in rainbow cereal dust, that look would be perfect for that fag parade.</p><p>He tries to dust himself off but its just making it worse so he frowns at me looking like a kid that’s about to throw a tantrum and I just laugh and put the box of cereal to the side before patting my knee. “Come on.”</p><p>Winston props himself up on my knee and I offer him some fruit loops. “Only if you feed me.”</p><p>I nod and grab a hand full of cereal and before he can stop me I shove the entire thing into his mouth, he coughs and it all comes flying out. I don’t think any of it ending up staying in his mouth but at least I know he’s not pissed at me when he sees me laughing and breaks into a smile and then he can’t help but laugh along with me.</p><p>We settle into a comfortable silence after our stomach hurts from laughing so much and I’ve already stuffed my face full with enough fruit loops that I feel like I’m going to explode.</p><p>Winston leans back against me and hums quietly before positioning himself between my leg’s to kiss me on the nose. “I really missed this.”</p><p>I smirk and lean back on the wall the table is against so he has to crawl further on me to kiss me again. “What your boy didn’t do it for you?”</p><p>“My…boy?” He frowns and it makes me happy to see that Alex really mustn’t of meant much to him at all if he doesn’t even realise I’m talking about him.</p><p>“Standall. I figured he wouldn’t considering he’s practically disabled and shit. Does his dick even work?” I ask cackling at the thought of Alex even attempting to fuck.</p><p>Winston rolls his eyes and elbows me. “I swear we’ve already had this conversation but don’t joke about that, you know what shit he’s been through and to answer your question I don’t know. We never got that far.” He answers honestly and I slightly regret joking about Alex but only because Winston didn’t look too impressed. I found it funny at least. “Plus if anything you’re my boy.”</p><p>I freeze when he says that and the smile on his face instantly drops. “Oh shit, sorry if that was taking it too far- I didn’t mean it like that.” He stresses, biting his lip nervously and I just kiss him to shut him up but also because I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t like how good it made me feel hearing him call me his boy. It makes all this fag shit so much more real. Can’t lie that it also felt like a mini victory knowing that he wants me and not Alex. Guess this means Alex is officially out of the picture now, Zach will be happy.</p><p>We break apart from our kiss, his lips are swollen and his knee digging into my shorts is driving me insane. There’s one thing that’s been on my mind the entire night and even though I know we are both tired, from the look in his eyes and from my own desires I know there’s no way either of us are going to sleep until we get it. “So we going to do it here or…?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Haven't been feeling too well so I didn't spend much time editing so I hope there aren't too many mistakes. Hope you enjoyed the chapter and let me know what you thought!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Boyfriend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We decided to head back to Winston’s room because the table was too hard and cold to fuck on plus the fact that anyone could have walked in on us was kind of an instant mood killer. </p><p>Still couldn’t help myself from stealing a box of fruit loops on the way out though, part of me wishes I took more except then I wondered if that meant I was technically stealing from Winston’s parents so maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t. He didn’t seem to care though but I think that’s cause I agreed to carry him on my back to the room or maybe he just doesn’t like his parents. Guess that’s something we have in common. </p><p>I lay back against the headboard of the bed as Winston straddles me, attacking me with kisses. It’s crazy how minutes ago all I wanted to do was tear his clothes off and get straight to business but now I’m enjoying watching him trace the freckles on my arm like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. </p><p>That was until his knee accidentally brushed past my crotch as he was innocently unbuttoning my shirt and now it’s back to being typical horny teenagers again. </p><p>I know he wants me to get up but he’s closer to the stand so it takes a minute before he begrudgingly rolls off me to get the shit we need out of his draw. </p><p>We help each other out of our shorts and boxers to prepare. Scotty’s shirt that I was wearing is now in a heap crumpled up on the floor. I hope he has an iron. Sorry Scott, he’s probably not going to let me borrow his clothes again. </p><p>Winston positions himself in front of me and god I missed seeing his tight little ass up close and I know my dick missed it even more going by my instant hard on. </p><p>We start off slow, I want to enjoy every moment of this because I’m not sure if it will be the last as much as that makes me sound like a sappy loser. He’s really grown on me in the time I’ve known him, who would have thought a skinny little twink with a camera would end up meaning so much to me. </p><p>I’m not sure if Winston can tell but every time right before we fuck I kind of get nervous. He makes me feel safe but it’s still so foreign being this open and exposed with someone. I probably sound like a fucking girl feeling like this but I can’t help it, with everyone else I’m so closed off yet he’s somehow managed to get past some of my walls that I put up to protect myself. Years of abusive from the hands of my own father will do that.</p><p>Tonight is different from the rest though instead of getting right to fucking each other’s brains out we are actually taking our time, I want to see him and feel him not just focus on how fucking good he makes my dick feel. That is important too though. </p><p>The first few times I kept my eyes closed the entire time as if squeezing them as tightly as possible would have made me feel less guilty about fucking a guy if I couldn’t see what we were doing. </p><p>Now the idea of closing my eyes and missing out on seeing the cute way his nose scrunches up as I hit the right spot or how he bites his lip right before he finishes would just be a waste. </p><p>The heat of his breath against my neck, the trail of kisses he leaves down my stomach, the way I feel inside of him. I can’t get enough of it. I’ve never experienced anything like this before I met him. </p><p>The closer I am to him the safer I feel. It’s like nothing could hurt me when I’m with him. Not my dad, not my fears, not even myself. I feel like another person when I’m with him. </p><p>With Winston I don’t have to be the monster that spends every minute of my life tormenting others into fearing me so they don’t get close enough to see past the façade of rage and violence to see the real me because that is what scares me most. </p><p>I don’t know how the fuck he does it but being with him is so calming and as cringy as it sounds I want to be a better person when I’m around him. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got magical gay powers cause he’s managed to do the impossible. </p><p>Me? Montgomery de la Cruz wanting to be a better person. Sounds like a fucking joke but its true. These moments alone with him have been the best part of the trip. </p><p>What we have going is good and I don’t have many good things in my life, nothing that’s going well for me lasts for long and neither will this. </p><p>Winston tells me to go faster and every time I think I’ve gone too rough or held onto him too tightly I make sure to ask if he’s alright, I don’t want to hurt him. I think punching him in the face has scarred me more than him.</p><p>He’s got me acting all soft and shit and honestly I don’t even hate it. I’d never let anyone else see me like this but it’s a nice change. If my friends saw the way I spoke to him they’d probably think I was replaced by some humane and civilised functioning clone. Nothing like the sadistic fuckwit I am around them. </p><p>I don’t even stop myself like I usually do from letting out a moan as I release and crash back onto the bed, breathing heavily as I guiltily wait for him to finish himself off. I know it’s stupid that I’m scared to touch him like that considering my dick was just inside of him but I just can’t bring myself to do it for some reason. Just add that to the long list of other things I could never do with him. </p><p>Once he finally finishes we both go to the bathroom to clean ourselves up. I always find this part awkward because then it really sinks in what we just did- what I just did with a guy. </p><p>He brushes his teeth and I was prepared to just let him squeeze a bit of toothpaste in my mouth to swirl around but he lets me borrow one of his spare toothbrushes. He has three of them- I swear he has three of everything. Rich people. </p><p>We hop back into bed and I hold my arm out as I lay back down and Winston snuggles into my chest, his hair tickling my face. Both of us lay still for a minute before he starts tracing his finger up and down my chest then pokes at my nipple making me let out a sound that I refuse to admit was a giggle. “You know you’d look pretty hot with a nipple piercing.”</p><p>I let out a snort but shudder at the thought of a needle piercing through my nipple like that. It’s not like I’m scared of needles considering I’ve been injecting myself with steroids for the past two years plus you get used to needles after the countless hospital trips I’ve had thanks to my dad. It’s just the idea of a needle going in and coming right through the other side doesn’t sit well with me but I want to humour his idea. “Maybe I’ll get one then. One condition though.”</p><p>His eyes widen probably surprised that I would even consider the idea but then he raises an eyebrow in suspicion, realising there’s a catch. “What’s the condition?” </p><p>I grin already knowing I’m about to crush his short lived fantasy of me with a nipple piercing. Unless he’s more game than I thought. “You get one too.” </p><p>His hand stops partway down my chest and recoils, evidently not too keen on my proposition. “Erm yeah let’s scratch that idea then.”</p><p>Predictable. I laugh and ruffle his curly black hair with my fingers, ruining the curls he probably spent longer than he should have styling and he groans but I know he loves it. </p><p>“I wish we could just lay here forever.” Winston says sleepily, moving himself to face me as he lays on my chest. His cheeks and lips are still red from before. </p><p>He looks tired and I know he’s trying his best to stay up, which is exactly what I’m doing because neither of us want this night to end- or morning at this point.</p><p>“Then why don’t we?” I say, propping myself up on my elbow so I get a better view of his pretty face. “…or even better lets run away.”</p><p>That seems to wake him up from his tired spell, his eyes twinkling with excitement as he took my words in. “We could fake our deaths and change our names and move to some fancy place in Europe.” </p><p>I find myself not even fighting the smile that tugs at my lips from just watching the way his eyes light up talking about us even if it’s just about a stupid fantasy. “Wouldn’t be too hard considering you’re fucking loaded.”</p><p>He giggles then plants a kiss along my jaw with a mischievous glint in his eyes as he contemplates his words. “So would that make me your sugar daddy?”</p><p>Aren’t sugar daddies old men? I mean sure he before I met him I assumed only old dudes would have the name Winston but it weirdly suits him. </p><p>My face scrunches up in disgust at that thought. “What?! Fuck-no I meant that would make you my rich boyfriend or something.”</p><p>Both of our faces simultaneously freeze as we stare at each other, realising what I said and he breaks out in a grin that I swear is so big that it shouldn’t possibly be able to fit on his face. “Boyfriend huh?”</p><p>“Shit- fuck I didn’t mean to say that. Stupid sugar daddy comment threw me off.” I stammer, stumbling over my words and feeling my cheeks grow hotter as he watches me make a complete fool of myself. </p><p>I think he knows it was an accident but part of me worries that he took my words seriously. It’s nice to fantasise about this shit but I don’t want to hurt him by giving him hope for the future when it’s never going to happen. That’s just cruel. </p><p>----</p><p>Winston’s POV:</p><p>Boyfriend. He just called me his boyfriend and even though I know it was a slip of the tongue I can’t deny hearing that word come out of his mouth made my heart skip a beat. I need to play it cool though because I don’t want him freaking out even more. </p><p>“I know, I’m just playing.” I reassure him not wanting Monty to spiral off into his own world of self-hatred again as his body tenses up beneath me. </p><p>He lets out a sigh of frustration, probably still annoyed at himself but I eventually feel his body relax again so my words must have worked. </p><p>It hurts me seeing how even just a word can trigger his internal demons like that. In the short time I’ve known him I’ve never met someone so afraid of being themselves. I know I’ve managed to break down some of the barriers that he puts up to protect himself but he has a long way to go before he can begin accept who he is. </p><p>There’s only four days of the cruise left and I don’t know what that means for us or whatever this is but I want to help him as much as I can. </p><p>Ever since I was little I liked helping people, playing doctor with my cousins on the rare occasion I saw them when I was a kid was my favourite thing to do. Short lived dream though with my grades that barely scrape past an average and any chance of being a doctor has gone straight down the drain. </p><p>Doesn’t mean I still don’t enjoy helping people. I’m fascinated by humans. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I love photography so much, most people put on these masks that they hide behind, especially in front of a camera but sometimes when you get that shot during the split second they drop that mask you see the real person behind it. </p><p>It’s what drew me to Montgomery so much. The first time I laid eyes on him was by the pool, arms crossed when his friends were around him so it wasn’t hard to tell he was an extremely guarded person. The only time he opened up was when he went to sit by himself, arms behind his head as he lay against the pool chair and that’s when I snapped my shot. </p><p>In that split second I took that photo he almost looked like a different person from the closed off boy he had been right before that. I cherish that photo, the smile on his face from whatever he was thinking about at that moment was breathtaking. I haven’t shown him it yet because I get the feeling he won’t like it. </p><p>Maybe it was a little creepy to take a photo of a complete stranger like that but sue me I’m obsessed with taking photos of beautiful things in life and Monty is definitely one of them. </p><p>I’m still not sure if he’s over stressing about what he said before and from the uncertain look on his face I thought he was going to get up and leave but instead he reaches up and traces something along my nose. </p><p>I’m about to ask him what he was doing until I notice the sorrowful look in his eyes. That made me realise he was touching the mark along my nose that I got the day he punched me. It’s faded, you can barely see it but I can tell he still regrets it. </p><p>“It’s nothing compared to all of yours.” I tell him hoping to lighten the mood and its true. He showed me one of them but I’ve notice all the other scars scattered across his body and couldn’t even imagine the hurt they must have caused but they will fade in time and I’m sure they are nothing compared to the pain the ones on the inside cause him. </p><p>His eyes grow darker, probably going back to the moments he felt that pain and I worry that I said the wrong thing but the look vanishes and is replaced by a smirk that plays at his lips. “Yeah well you’re bound to get a few battle scars when you’re on the football, baseball and wrestling team.” </p><p>“A man of many talents.” I say grinning, enjoying the way his face relaxes as he talks about sport. I know it’s important to him, he told me the team is his home away from home. Part of me hopes that he kind of see’s me that way too or at least one day could.</p><p>We both know that most of his scars aren’t even sports related, they come from a place he should be safe in but I know he doesn’t want to talk about it so I go along with it.</p><p>Monty closes his eyes and lets out a yawn. I reach over and grab my phone off the side table to check the time, the brightness of the screen stinging my eyes. I blink a few times to see the screen clearly. </p><p>5am. Shit, once again we’ve stayed up talking early into the morning. It’s only a matter of hours before his friends get up and as much as I don’t want to see him go I also don’t want him freaking out if he falls asleep here. </p><p>“Monty.” I say nudging him as he sluggishly tries to shove me off, already dozing off to sleep and he groans as I start poking him in the stomach. He still doesn’t respond. </p><p>I frown unsure of how to properly get his attention but then a stupid idea comes to mind. “If you keep your eyes closed you’re gay.”</p><p>To no surprise at all his eyes snap open but then he chuckles to himself sleepily. “That sounds like something I’d say. Except I’d probably say fag instead.” </p><p>I roll my eyes and a part of me wants to let him know the overkill of gay jokes really isn’t doing him any favours but I doubt that would stop him. “Well it worked at least.”</p><p>I sit up and he snatches my pillow before using it to cover his head. I can barely understand what he’s saying with his voice muffled by the pillow. “Dickhead…the fuck you had to go waking me up for?” </p><p>I lift the pillow off his head and groans again clearly not too pleased with me at the moment. “Didn’t think you’d want to fall asleep here. Y’know cause your friends and all.”</p><p>He rolls over to face me and the dark circles under his eyes are a clear indication of how exhausted he is. I feel bad for waking him up but I’m only trying to help. “Fuck it Scotty can help me come up with some dumb excuse later. Now can we go to bed please?”</p><p>I smile happy that I’ll have his company for a few more hours even if we are asleep for it. “You’re staying?” </p><p>“Yep now shut the fuck up and come here.” He says holding out his arm once again, which I settle back into once I switch off the light, covering us both in darkness.</p><p>I close my eyes, listening to him snore softly and feeling the rise and fall of his chest. He’s already fast asleep. This moment is perfect and as I start to drift off to sleep I can’t help but picture a future with him as cheesy as that sounds. </p><p>It doesn’t have to be anything big or extravagant as neither of us are like that. So I picture something realistic.</p><p>Coffee dates before school- or more like me drinking the coffee while Monty sculls a Gatorade and gives me shit for drinking coffee because of how disgusting he thinks it is. </p><p>Going to his sports games and cheering him on from the sidelines even though I hate sports but for him I’d sit through the whole damn thing.</p><p>Something simple like seeing a movie or walking down the street hand in hand not giving a damn about anyone else. </p><p>Adventuring off to somewhere like…Palm Springs. Far enough from the town of Evergreen so he wouldn’t have to worry about anything or anyone, so he could be himself. </p><p>No matter what happens I will never forget the day the sexy flannel clad Latinx walked into my life. In some ways it’s like we barely know each other but at the same time it’s like I’ve known him forever and together neither of us would have to feel alone again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you haven’t already go check out my other Wonty fanfic Flannels and Fireflies since I’ve put the first chapter out and the second should be up in a few days. Also an update on my other ff ‘Haunted By the Ghost of You’ as I know a few people have been waiting on it so sorry for that but I won’t be updating it until I’m on break for university so I have the proper motivation for it but I’m definitely not abandoning it. </p><p>Let me know what you thought of this chapter as seeing what you guys think keeps me motivated! </p><p>(Also I usually just skip the sex scenes cause I’m terrible at writing smut so I don’t ever really so this is the most explicit this will get lol (even though it isn’t at all but I tried my best))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Scotty messaged me earlier this morning letting me know the boys were wondering where I was so he told them he saw me leave with a girl last night. I don’t know what I’d do without him, he’s always got my back and this trip proved that. I’m gonna miss him now that he’s graduated. </p><p>Bryce will be gone too. Going to that fancy rich kid school that Winston goes to. Crazy how small the world is. It’s going to be different without them. Sure I’ll still have Diego and Charlie and the other boys but it’s not the same. </p><p>After I got the message I fell straight back to sleep because lying in bed with Winston sounded much better than dealing with the questions that the guys are surely going to ask about the girl Scotty told them I hooked up with. It’s not that big of a lie. Sure Winston isn’t a girl but he acts like one sometimes. </p><p>We slept late into the afternoon so I know I have to go back to the boys soon otherwise they could think something is up and I don’t want to risk it. I probably would have stayed asleep all day if it wasn’t for Winston’s hand whacking me in the face. He’s lucky I like him too much to hit him back for that. If it was anyone else I would have. </p><p>If someone had told me before this trip I’d wake up in bed next to a guy I spent the night fucking I’d probably laugh in their face before beating the shit out of them and call them a fag or some shit. But here I am watching Winston curled up asleep and I can’t take my eyes off of him. Even in his sleep he still looks fucking perfect. </p><p>I could sneak out and send him a message on the way out to let him sleep but I’m an asshole and I don’t know if we will get another chance be alone so instead here I am thinking of a way to wake him up. </p><p>My eye catches the box of fruit loops on the floor and I break out in a grin. Perfect. </p><p>I dump a small pile of the cereal onto the bed because the stupid bag in the box was being so god damn loud and I thought it would wake him up. I pull the covers off him slowly and carefully (which wasn’t really slowly or carefully at all because I have no patience) to try not to wake him up. </p><p>He stirs, reaching down to scratch his leg and I think he’s about to wake up but then he buries his face deeper into the pillow. I let out the breath I had been holding in. Close one. </p><p>One by one I start at his legs and place a trail of fruit loops all the way up to his face. Well technically I started off one at a time but then I lost my patience and threw the rest on him. </p><p>By the time I’m done he’s covered in them so I take out my phone and snap a picture of this masterpiece. I hope none of the guys ever go through my phone or I’d have no fucking clue how to explain this. </p><p>I sit back admiring my work and then hesitate before I press a kiss against his nose and find myself cringe at the fact that I’m smiling over doing such a cheesy and dumb thing. I’d probably throw up if I saw someone else do that. </p><p>I remember gagging every time Chloe and Bryce made out in front of me and here I am kissing Winston every chance I get. Oh how times have changed. </p><p>Watching him like this is nice but then I realise that watching him sleep is kind of creepy so I start blowing in his face to wake him up. </p><p>Winston stirs and giggles in his sleep trying to shove me off with one arm while trying to search for the blanket with the other. “Stop it Jake give me just...five minutes.” </p><p>I freeze and stop blowing on him, my face scrunches up in confusion. Who the fuck is Jake? But I don’t even get a chance to think about that because Winston must of woken up and he lets out an ear piercing shriek, almost jumping out of his skin as he rubs his hands along his arms. “Jesus- fuck what is-“ </p><p>He doesn’t even finish his sentence as he scrambles back so fast that he falls off the bed with a loud thud and I cringe. He stands up and the horrified expression on his face is enough to make me forget about what he said a second ago and I burst out laughing. </p><p>He got scared shitless because of fruit loops. God that was a better reaction than I could ever have expected.</p><p>“Winnie chill its fucking cereal.” I say in between fits of laughter and he lets out a sigh of relief as he sees the fruit loops scattered across the bed.  </p><p>“Monty you jerk I thought they were bugs.” He says frowning, eyes still wide in fear, which makes me laugh even harder and he shakes his head in disbelief before letting out a laugh himself probably realising that it actually is kinda funny. </p><p>“Sorry couldn’t help it.” I shrug with a grin picking up a blue fruit loop off the bed and popping it into my mouth. Probably not the most hygienic thing to do considering what we did in the bed last night but I’m hungry. </p><p>He rolls his eyes and turns his back to go to the bathroom. I follow him in there and lean against the door frame as he squints looking in the mirror, shaking his hand through his hair to get the cereal dust out of it. “Got any plans today?” </p><p>Winston gives up and sighs as he turns around to face me. Even when he’s pissed at me he looks cute. “Besides getting this shit out of my hair? Nope. Do you?”</p><p>“Just going to hang out with the boys. You gonna come?” I ask and I hope he says yes. Sure we won’t be able to hang out with guys hand in hand and we probably won’t even say a word to each other in front of them but it would still be nice to have him there. </p><p>“Okay sure.” He smiles at me and presses a short kiss against my lips before dipping under my arm against the doorframe, going back into the bedroom. </p><p>He dusts off a section of the fruits loops and sits back down on the bed. I flop back onto the bed besides him cringing as I feel the cereal crunch beneath me. Okay maybe that wasn’t the smartest idea but they have cleaners here right?</p><p>Winston grabs his phone from the night stand and I take my chance while he’s distracted to lob a few fruit loops at his head. He laughs and nudges me with his elbow but I watch his smile vanish as he reads whatever he received on his phone. “Fuck.” </p><p>I attempt to snatch his phone from his hands being the intrusive prick that I am but he holds it out of my reach. “What it is?”</p><p>“Erm n-nothing.” He stutters and it’s obvious that he’s lying but I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it so I drop it. “I actually have to go now. Need to take photos for my parents website.” </p><p>Now I really wish I managed to grab his phone. I try not to let my disappoint show because that’s just embarrassing so I just nod like I understand but I don’t. </p><p>He seemed so excited to spend the day with me even if it was also with the guys but whatever was on his phone had evidently interfered and now he’s acting weird. </p><p>Winston told me that he had already gotten enough photos for his parents and that he had no plans for today so I don’t know why he’s lying. “All good.”</p><p>But it isn’t all good. We only have three days left and only part of today before the end. It’s still tearing me up inside trying to decide whether I should see Winston again after this or not. </p><p>I know I’ve somehow managed to get attached to him but seeing him outside of this could risk everything. If the team or worse my dad found out about what I’ve been doing I’m done for.</p><p>He starts going through his neatly folded pile of clothes and I take that as a cue to start getting changed myself. </p><p>My clothes from last night smell like smoke from the festival but I put them back on anyways cause I have nothing else and there’s no way I could wear Winston’s clothes or it’ll be a dead giveaway where I was when the boys see me. I don’t think I’d fit in his clothes anyways though. </p><p>“See ya.” I mutter as I walk to the door, part of me hoping he will kiss me goodbye but he just smiles and gives a half-hearted wave before going back to picking out his clothes. Fuck I’ve gone soft if I’m getting hurt by shit like that. </p><p>I just hate how I opened up to him last night telling him things about myself I’ve never told anyone else and here he is shutting me off. </p><p>“Wait Monty.” I’m half way out the door when he calls out my name and I feel my heart skip a beat. I knew he wouldn’t let me go like that. But when I turn around I can’t help but frown when he shoves the box of fruit loops into my hands. Oh.</p><p>“Thanks.” I mumble as he gives me a small smile before turning back to continuing what he was doing before. I have no idea why he’s acting this way but it’s pissing me off. </p><p>First the Jake shit and now this? I should just ask him why like a normal person would. But I’ve never acted like a normal person because I’m a piece of shit. </p><p>No matter who they are or how stupid it is if someone hurt’s me I hurt them back. Hurting people is what I’m good at. “You know last night when we were joking about that shit about our future together?”</p><p>“Yeah?” He says hesitantly as he raises an eyebrow, stopping what he’s doing and clearly confused as to why I’m bringing that up now. </p><p>I know how he felt talking about it last night. His eyes lit up as if he was really picturing a future with me. It made him happy but all it made me feel was angry and sad. He will probably have that one day with someone else while I’ll end up like my dad. Stuck with kids and a wife I hate and never wanted. </p><p>I know I have no right to be angry at him but the smallest things set me off. I ditched my friends and risked getting caught to go out with him last night and now he’s blowing me off and lying to me? </p><p>“That’s all it was, a joke.” I say clenching my jaw to stop myself from snapping any further and he blinks twice and frowns taken aback by my words. I hurt him. Good, at least I’m not the only one feeling shit now.</p><p>I leave and the door slams shut before he has a chance to respond. </p><p>--- </p><p>After I left Winston I went back to the room to find the boys gone so I hop in the shower to cool off and to wash away the smell of smoke.  </p><p>The cold water starts to shake some sense back to me and I start to realise that maybe I was overreacting and shouldn’t have been a dick to Winston but that’s just what I do. </p><p>Guess it’s a good thing, shows him the real me. The awful person that I am most of the time and lets him know not to get used to the rare moments like last night. He can’t expect good things from me when I’m not a good person. </p><p>I check my phone as I’m putting on a flannel to see if Winston has texted me even though I doubt he would after what I said but there’s nothing. </p><p>I text Scotty and he responds back almost immediately letting me know they are at the beach from last night. At least I’ll have the boys to take my mind off Winston and hating myself for being an asshole. </p><p>On the way there I shoot Estela a long overdue text and keep an eye out for Winston. I don’t know if I want to see him or not. I feel like he’d probably avoid me anyway if he did, no idea why but I don’t see him anyways so it doesn’t matter. </p><p>Once I get to the beach I find the guys sitting on the sand with a couple of boxes of fish and chips between them. </p><p>The second I sit down Bryce bombards me with questions so I stick to Scotty’s story. That I was so drunk last night that I don’t remember anything but I woke up in some chic’s bed and left before she woke up.</p><p>Bryce gives me a slap on the back with a grin proud that I managed to get a girl before the cruise ended after the fiasco of the first night. If only he knew the truth. </p><p>I grab a handle full of chips and stuff them into my mouth so I have an excuse not to answer anymore questions. Fuck it’s good. They are kinda cold but I don’t care. I haven’t eaten anything since the box of fruit loops last night and its already the afternoon so no wonder I’m starving. </p><p>My hunger consumes me as I chow down the entire box and steal a couple of chips from Scotty but he doesn’t stop me probably understanding that I haven’t had the chance to eat yet cause I was with Winston. </p><p>I’m too busy eating that I don’t even properly take in the fact that Zachy has his arm around Standall. I couldn’t imagine Winston and I sitting together out in the open in front of my friends like that. It pisses me off how they can be so public and not care. I don't even know what's going on with them anyways. I joke about them being boyfriends but that's cause I just wanted to piss them off. </p><p>It starts sinking in that is probably one of the last times we are ever going to sit as a group like this. Once the break is over Scotty is going to go off to college and Bryce to Hillcrest and they’ll make new friends. I’ll only talk to Zach during practice or games and Alex when I’m making fun of him when I catch him in the school hallways. </p><p>“Fuck I’m going to miss you guys.” I say with a mouthful, almost choking on the chips and Bryce laughs as he pats me on the back. It’s not fair why couldn’t Zach and Alex be the one’s leaving. I wouldn’t miss those losers at all. </p><p>“Aw Monty’s new chic has turned him into a softie.” Bryce teases, nudging me a couple of times with his elbow so I get to my knees and tackle him back onto the sand. </p><p>He’s no match for me but its still fun to mess around like this. Makes me miss wrestling. Also makes it easier to get him to shut up and stop asking about the girl that doesn’t exist. I don’t ask about his hook ups so why does he need to know about mine?</p><p>“Fuck off I don’t even remember her name.” I say throwing a few light punches at his chest, which he dramatically deflects as Scotty makes punching sound effect noises behind us. We are acting like fucking children and I love it. </p><p>“Real classy Monty.” I hear Alex call out and part of me wants to go over and tackle him too but then I’ll have to deal with Zach and that’s no fun. I don’t have the same friendship with Zach as I do with Bryce and Scotty, can’t mess around like this with him.  </p><p>Once we are done messing around I roll off Bryce and go back to scavenging chips and a piece of fish out of the other almost empty boxes. “So what are we doing tonight?”</p><p>“Karaoke.” Scotty says with a grin and the other boys look excited for it too even Alex who always looks like he’s swallowed one of those sour lollies. </p><p>“Fuck yeah.” I can’t sing for shit but get a couple of beers in me and you won’t be able to get me to stop. I remember last year at Scotty’s birthday we did karaoke. </p><p>Bryce and I got completely smashed and once it was our go to sing we didn’t give it up. Luke and Diego had to drag us away from the machine just to give everyone else a go. </p><p>“Hey it’s cool if I invite Winston right?” Alex asks and I feel my heart stop for a second at the sound of his name. </p><p>Fuck I forgot he was still friends with Alex. I hope he says no. I want a chance to speak to him alone first instead of seeing him in front of the guys or it’s just going to be awkward. I fucked up again what a surprise. </p><p>“Yeah of course dude. The more the merrier.” Bryce says winking at Zach who scoffs and takes his arm off Alex. His face flushes red so I don’t even think he realises he was doing that.</p><p>He doesn’t look too pleased at Alex mentioning Winston’s name but he doesn’t object and neither do any of the other guys. </p><p>Shit I really am starting to regret what I said even if I was pissed at him. I need to fix this. </p><p>Somehow Winston still manages to be the only person I’ve ever chase after or apologised to but this time I’m not ready to apologise, at least not yet while I’m still annoyed at him for lying to me but I still need to talk to him. I don't want to waste our last days hating each other right when I just got him back. </p><p>To Winston: We need to talk.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter sorry if I’m not updating too much I have exams right now. I did create an Instagram ( @wontyslove ) to post updates and other things so go follow it! Let me know what you thought of this chapter :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Hidden Heartbreak</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winston still isn’t here. The amount of messages I’ve spammed him with is embarrassing at this point. He probably thinks I’m crazy now and maybe I am. Being on a ship for this long has probably fucked with my mind.</p>
<p>Actually I know it has because there’s no fucking way I’d be fooling around with a guy back home. Sea sickness has got me acting like a complete faggot, that’s the only explanation. It’s definitely not the fact that I enjoy fucking Winston.</p>
<p>Scotty knows something’s up because he’s been looking at me like a concerned parent all night but I don’t even know what went wrong in the first place to tell him. He even asked Alex if Winston was going to turn up but he hadn’t responded to him either.</p>
<p>Thought the fact that I wasn’t the only one he was ignoring would make me feel better but it doesn’t. Nothing makes sense and the fact that he said another guy’s name this morning doesn’t help either.</p>
<p>I wonder if this makes me like his side hoe or some shit. Jesus, if it wasn’t me I’d find this shit hilarious.  </p>
<p>This whole situation shouldn’t be affecting me the way it is. We aren’t dating. We will never date so I shouldn’t care. Maybe this is a sign that I’ve been a fucking idiot for messing around with a guy like this. </p>
<p>It’s wrong. My dad has drilled that into my head since I was a kid. Yet here I am doing exactly what he told me not to do. If he saw a pair of fags walking down the street he’d spit at them. If he knew what I had been doing with Winston he’d probably drop dead on the spot. Guess that wouldn’t be a bad thing though. </p>
<p>We’ve been here for over an hour now and everyone has had a go of singing their drunken hearts out, everyone except me. I thought being with the guys would be a good distraction, help me forget about the whole shit show that is my life but no luck there.</p>
<p>I’ve been so preoccupied with thinking about Winston that I missed the chance to give Zach and Alex shit for their pathetic duet. My ears felt like they were bleeding by the time they were done but even Alex is having more fun than I am and he hates all of us. Well besides Zach at least.</p>
<p>I still don’t get the whole Zach and Alex situation. We always joke about them fucking but I didn’t actually think they were. I mean I always knew Alex was a homo and gay for Zach but honestly even though I tease him about Standall I thought Zach had a thing for Chloe considering how fucking pissy he looked when she started dating Bryce.</p>
<p>Winston probably won’t even show up but that’s all I can think about. Every time someone walks through the doors my heart skips a beat and I look over to see if it’s him.</p>
<p> Still not sure if I’m more worried that he will show up or that he won’t but I feel stupid for stressing over a guy. I never care about anyone so I don’t know why this is bothering me so much but it is.</p>
<p>Sure I meant what I said about the fact that we wouldn’t have a future together but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see him again. Summer isn’t over yet, we could still mess around before school starts. I just meant that we could never be a real thing, I’m not a fag. That’s the difference between us or at least that’s what I tell myself.</p>
<p>“Hey Monty I’m gonna get a refill you coming?” Scotty asks tearing me out of my thoughts and the others don’t even pay attention as they watch some drunken idiot on the stage. My drink is still on the table, untouched but I go with him anyways.</p>
<p>Using Bryce’s card Scotty orders another drink, one for us both before he turns to me. Man I am glad I’m not paying the bill at the end of this trip, though I doubt the Walker’s will even care about the amount we’ve raked up. “Alright what happened this time?”</p>
<p>He’s looking at me like he expects the worst and I don’t blame him considering he already knows about the other times I’ve fucked up. I just shrug because I still don’t understand plus it still feels fucking weird talking about a guy like this with my friend even if he’s already told me he doesn’t care.</p>
<p>Even when he’s drunk he won’t let things go without an answer. Bloody persistent bastard. This night was supposed to help distract me from thinking about Winston, not force me to relive every dumb mistake I’ve made. </p>
<p>Scotty folds his arms and waits, silence isn’t a good enough response so I sigh and look back at the guys to make sure they won’t hear any of this as I try to think of where to start. Where did it all go wrong? “Man I don’t fucking know. I thought it was going good and then all of a sudden it wasn’t.”</p>
<p>“So you didn’t do anything wrong this time then?” He asks and I cringe replaying what I told Winston in my head. That the idea of a future together is a joke. </p>
<p>Okay maybe I could have found a better way of saying that but I was pissed at him and I mean it’s the truth and he was already acting weird before that so it can’t all be my fault. Even though it usually is.</p>
<p>“Fuck it doesn’t even matter if I did. Something else happened but he wouldn’t tell me what.” I tell him, internally hating how hurt I sounded as the bartender brings our drinks over. “Doubt I’ll see him again before the trip ends anyways.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” He says looking past me and I frown ready to ask him why until I follow his gaze to the entrance. Speaking of the devil. He’s here. And he looks like shit. </p>
<p>Well not actually he’s still better dressed than me at least but he looks like he’s been crying or some shit. His hair is messy and his eyes are red. His whole demeanour has changed, instead of that usual confidence he has that I first resented but grew to admire, he looks fragile. I don’t like it. Did I do that to him? </p>
<p>Winston hesitates as he spots our group and for a second I think he’s about to walk right back out that door but then he slowly makes his way over to them but before he even reaches them Scotty decides to call out. “Hey! Winston! Winston!”</p>
<p>“The fuck are you doing?” I whisper angrily, elbowing Scotty in the stomach for being a fucking idiot. But it’s too late he’s already heard him. I could fucking kill Scott. </p>
<p>Sure he’s drunk but he knows exactly what he’s doing. I should never have told him about Winston in the first place. Another dumb decision to add to my endless list of mistakes this summer. </p>
<p>Winston stops half way over to the guys and looks around before he sees us. His face falls when he sees me and I can’t help but scoff. Seriously? Did he not think I was going to be with my friends?</p>
<p>Winston hesitantly walks over to us and awkwardly fist bumps a drunk Scotty who pulls him in for a hug, his eyes rest on mine for a second before I look away. Scott looks between us and I already know what he’s about to do. “Oh erm.. I think Bryce is calling me over. I better go, great seeing you man.” </p>
<p>He is an awful liar, Bryce hasn’t even turned around once to look at us and we can all see that. He gives me an awkward thumbs up and I almost facepalm myself out of second hand embarrassment. </p>
<p>Scotty leaves me standing there with Winston awkwardly staring after him and I swear it takes everything in me not to throw my glass at the bastard. I take back all the times I praised him for saving my ass. </p>
<p>Well guess I’m going to need this beer after all then.</p>
<p>Funny how only just this morning being in bed with Winston seemed so right, no matter how much my internal demons fought against it but now looking at him I’m starting to regret everything. </p>
<p>He finally looks at me and gives a small smile like he hasn’t been ignoring my messages the entire day. “Hey. You look good.”</p>
<p>I scoff and his smile fades. All I’ve done is apologise to him this trip but I’m finished with that, I didn’t even do anything wrong this time. He couldn’t send one text after I spammed him with a shit ton? This kid has some nerve. “I’m not going to apologise.”</p>
<p>He frowns and then sighs, looking anywhere but me. “I know. There’s nothing to apologise for.”</p>
<p>“Exac- wait what?” I stutter, blinking twice still not sure if I heard him right. Here I was stressing the whole goddamn day over what I had said and that wasn’t even the problem.</p>
<p>“It was just a fantasy and it was stupid of me to think anything more of it. For some reason I just thought you weren’t like the other guys I’ve been with but you kept telling me you weren’t gay so I should have listened instead of getting ahead of myself.” He says, giving me a sympathetic smile as his cheeks flush red with embarrassment but I feel my heart sink. “I just get caught up in things too quickly. I’m the one that’s sorry.”</p>
<p>No. He’s not supposed to be the one saying this. He’s supposed to tell me that I was wrong. That we should give this a shot even if I don’t believe we should. </p>
<p>I’d ignore whatever shit happened today and we’d meet up after dark like all the other times. </p>
<p>We’d lie in bed as he traces my freckles and I’d pretend I’d hate it but let him do it anyways. I’d forget about him saying another guy's name and he’d forget the shit I said about our future. </p>
<p>I’m the one that’s supposed to tell him it won’t work and then he will beg and beg until I give in and say yes. That’d we’d somehow make it work even if it means having to sneak off somewhere like the hobo hotel to be alone together. I’d risk it. </p>
<p>He can’t give up because that means it really is the end.</p>
<p>He’s letting go.</p>
<p>I’m the one caught up in the stupid fantasy.</p>
<p>I’m the one that got attached.</p>
<p>Everything I was worried about him doing is what I’ve done. I was fucking stupid to be acting like I didnt give a shit, to make him feel like he was the delusional one when it’s me. </p>
<p>But I don’t fight for this- for us. I just nod like I agree with everything he’s saying, like it isn’t burning me up inside to lose him like this. All I have to do is is tell him the truth but I can’t. </p>
<p>I stare down at my drink because I don’t have it in me to look him in the eyes because I’m afraid he will see how much he means to me. Emotions make you weak and I’m not weak so I can’t allow them to get through. </p>
<p>He’s staring at me, waiting for me to say something but I have nothing to say. This is the first time I’ve ever had something good in my life and just like that it's gone because I’m a coward.</p>
<p>Bryce is leaving me. Scott’s leaving me. And now Winston is leaving me too. I should be happy that he did the hard part, this is what I said I wanted. Deep down I knew it wasn’t though. I had finally found someone who understood me, who never judged me and now I’ve lost him.  </p>
<p>Winston realises I’m not going to say anything and sighs. Maybe he’s embarrassed, like I've made him look like an idiot after pouring his heart out and I gave him nothing in return. That’s what it will always be like though, him giving me everything while I give him nothing. </p>
<p>He probably thinks I couldn’t give a shit. Part of me wants him to think that because it makes it easier but the other half wants him to see through my walls that I hide my emotions behind. The walls that he always seems to be able to break through and realise that I don’t want this to end.</p>
<p>“For what it’s worth I don’t regret anything Monty. I’m glad I met you.” He says smiling but it doesn’t meet his eyes, he looks sad. “Maybe we could catch up for a coffee before the break ends?”</p>
<p>I hold back a spiteful laugh, not because I find it funny but because I’m angry. He came into my life and completely flipped it around. Not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better but it doesn’t. “No thanks. I don’t like coffee.”</p>
<p>My hand is trembling and I hold onto the glass in my hand tighter to make it stop. This always happens right before I breakdown but I can’t let that happen so I take a deep breath before turning away from him, not giving him another look as I slowly make my way over back to the boys.</p>
<p>Each step I take away from him my heart thuds in my chest louder and louder. I feel nauseous and I feel his eyes on my back but I won’t allow myself to look back, that’s just as bad as saying goodbye.</p>
<p>“Hey buddy you doing alright?” Bryce asks as I sit down next to him, raising an eyebrow as he takes a sip of his drink. Surprised he hasn’t already ditched us for one of the girls over at the table across from ours. </p>
<p>I nod and look up just in time to see Winston walk out the door. I wonder if that’s the last time I will ever see him again. “Yeah- yeah I’m fine.” </p>
<p>“Well c’mon man finish your fucking drink already so we can get you up there.” He says playfully punching my shoulder and I force a grin, sculling back the rest of my drink. </p>
<p>Was trying to not drink for the rest of the trip to avoid any drunken mistakes that would dissapoint Winston but he ended it so who the fuck cares now. </p>
<p>He made me turn into someone I’m not. This whole fucking trip I’ve done shit I would have been disgusted in myself for doing all because of him. That person I’ve become stays on this ship, the old me returns now. I’m not the faggot who he turned me into, I’ve just messed around with him for a bit like every other guy does, it’s normal. That’s what I’ll keep telling myself. </p>
<p>My phone has been buzzing non-stop in my pocket since I walked away from Winston and I groan in frustration not wanting to deal with anyone else’s bullshit after all that. </p>
<p>I yank my phone out of my pocket and my heart stops when I see the number of calls I missed from Estela. Something is wrong and I know that when I read the last message.</p>
<p>From Estela: Please answer. Mum’s in hospital.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter even though it was a bit of a painful one😬 there will be one more chapter left of part one. Let me know what you thought!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Midnight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Scott’s pacing back and forth mumbling to himself about god knows what as I sit and stare at my phone. The last message I sent to Winston before our last conversation haunts me. I need you. I told him that I needed him and he left me.</p><p>It’s been three days since I spoke to Winston and I haven’t seen him since, which meant it really was the end. At first I was angry. Angry that I risked so much for nothing but I can’t blame him. I could have chosen not to apologise the day I hurt him, to pretend nothing happened but I didn’t. I kept going back to him. Every decision was mine. Now I just feel empty.</p><p>Each night I got less and less sleep, waiting like a fucking idiot and checking my phone every ten seconds just in case he messaged me. My heart would skip a beat every time I got a notification but it was never him.</p><p>It’s stupid thinking he will message me when he was the one that ended it and I told him I didn’t want to see him again but part of me was hoping he’d change his mind. Obviously he hasn’t.</p><p>I’ll still be stuck on him while he’ll go back home to that Jake guy whoever the fuck he is and probably forget all about me. He’s probably glad I made it easy for him to leave me. I’m a fucking disaster, it’s why nobody ever stays in my life for long because they know I’m bound to explode one day and drag them down with me. I don’t blame people for leaving. I would too. </p><p>Waking up he’s the first thing on my mind. Going to sleep he’s the last thing on my mind. He’s always on my fucking mind and it’s driving me crazy. The amount of times I have rewritten then deleted a message for him is just embarrassing at this point but whatever pride I have left won’t let me do it.</p><p>We are still on the ship. All I need to do is go to his room to talk to him. But I can’t because all I can think about is the worst. That he will laugh in my face, tell me that he never really cared. I always expect the worst of people because that’s what I deserve. But for once I opened up to someone- to him. Told him things I’ve never told anyone else before and it scares me. </p><p>There’s still a month left of summer break after this, which means I’ll spend the whole goddamn break regretting not telling him how I really feel. It’s not like I’ll be able to distract myself with sports or the team. I’ve never wanted to go back to school this badly. Never thought I’d be saying that. </p><p>Today’s the last day of the cruise so Bryce is off somewhere being Bryce and Zach and Alex are in their room packing up their shit- and probably fucking too. Even just the thought of that makes me feel like throwing up. </p><p>Scotty is cleaning up for the both of us because my suitcase wouldn’t close after shoving all my clothes into it and I’m too lazy to fold them properly. Funny this entire trip he’s acted like my mother or some shit. Honestly he’s acted like more of a mother than my actual mum ever has. Not going to tell him that because I’ll never hear the end of it. </p><p>“Jesus Monty you gotta learn how to fold, all your shirts are crushed now.” Scotty grumbles and I finally look up from my phone to see the contents of my suitcase dumped on the floor as he shakes his head, folding my clothes back into it.  </p><p>Sue me for not folding my stupid clothes. I’ve had other things on my mind. Plus I don’t really know how to fold clothes, shoving everything in usually works. </p><p>When I don’t answer him Scott looks up at me and sighs. He gets up after placing the folded shirt down in the suitcase and sits down next to me on the edge of the bed. “You okay man?”</p><p>Am I okay? With my life I don’t think I even know what being okay feels like but I just nod and brush him off. Like the past few days didn’t happen. It’s easier to pretend nothing gets to me. “Yeah I’m fine why wouldn’t I be?”</p><p>“Obviously something happened with Winston. Is it like…over?” He asks looking right at me but I stare at the ground. He might not be as good as seeing through me like Winston but he knows when I’m lying. I hate that about him because he’s a persistent bastard.</p><p>“There was never anything for it to start.” I argue, but my words held no weight because we both know it’s a lie. If Winston didn’t mean anything to me then I would never have told Scotty or Estela about him in the first place.</p><p>“Come on dude it’s okay to be hurt.” He puts a hand on my shoulder but I shrug him off. Scott’s pity is the last thing I want right now. </p><p>“I’m not fucking hurt we were just fooling around, anyways it didn’t mean anything. Now drop it alright?” I say raising my voice, feeling my jaw tense up but I force myself to relax. He’s helping me, I can’t get angry at him. </p><p>“You can’t lie to me man. Monty it’s been three days, if you don’t do it I will.” Scott says looking down at my phone to see my last conversation with Winston. Fuck now I just look even more pathetic.</p><p>I turn my phone off so he doesn’t get the chance to do anything or more importantly so he doesn’t see the sad spam of messages I had sent Winston days ago. </p><p>“Why the fuck would I do that? He’s the one who ended it.” I say, cringing at how weak and pathetic I sound. My face grows hot from embarrassment and I shift myself to face away from him. “Can we just forget about it?”</p><p>“Alright.” He sighs and gives me a sympathetic smile, which just makes me feel even worse but I’m thankful that he knows when to quit and not to push me any further. “How’s your mum?”</p><p>I press my lips into a thin line, focusing on the ugly patterns of the carpet hoping that the anger that’s boiling deep within me won’t get through. It’s been there ever since Estela called me, rising back up when I’ve thought about it. Just when I think my life can’t get any worse it does. First Winston ended things and next thing I knew my mum was in the hospital. I can never catch a fucking break.  </p><p>Focusing on my shitty situation with Winston had at least helped me distract myself from the guilt I feel for leaving my mum and sister alone with my father. “I think she’s okay, ‘Stela told me she’s getting out today.” </p><p>“Must have been a pretty bad fall.” He says but from the look on his face I can tell he doesn’t believe it either. Scott knows about my situation more than anyone else but I still don’t like to talk about it. I hate people feeling sorry for me.</p><p>“Y-yeah.” It wasn’t a fall. Nothing bad that happens in our house is an accident. Estela wouldn’t tell me what really happened, probably because the fucker was right next to her but I know he did something. </p><p>Apparently mum tripped over a stack of Estela’s textbooks that were left at the top of the staircase and that’s how she got a concussion. From the second Estela told me that I knew it wasn’t true. We never leave shit lying around the house because that just gives our dad another reason to lash out at us.</p><p>I should never have come on this trip. I knew something bad would happen with me gone. That should have been me in the hospital not my mum. This is all my fucking fault. </p><p>I’m not close with my mum, haven’t been in years. I’ve never had the same bond with her that Estela has, once she was born it was like I didn’t even exist but I still feel responsible for not being there to protect her. It could have just as easily been Estela that he hurt and I would never forgive myself if it was. </p><p>But my mum will let him get away with this like she always does. She still loves him even after everything he’s done. She believes he will change. He won’t. Bad people don’t change. </p><p>I think Winston thought he could change me. That’s another good reason why he’s free of me now. Nothing will ever change me, years of trauma has fucked me up. Permanently. Just like my dad. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to end with me. </p><p>“You gonna go back home?” He asks and right now I don’t even have an answer for that myself but I know what he means. He knows whenever I’m going through shit- well more shit than usual I take a trip to the Hobo Hotel. </p><p>It’s become our place. No one else knows about it besides a few homeless squatters we sometimes come across but they stay to themselves. </p><p>I’ll never forget the day he brought me there. My dad had beaten me pretty bad that morning for accidentally knocking over his bottle of rum, he told me not to come home if I wanted to live to see another day. </p><p>I broke down in the locker room that day, I had a panic attack and the room was empty. I thought I was dying until Scotty found me. Once I could breath again I was embarrassed, told him to fuck off and mind his own business but he wouldn’t let me leave until I told him what happened. This was before we were on the football team, he was in the year above me so we weren’t friends. </p><p>I just told him I couldn’t go home and from the bruises on my face he knew wasn’t from sport he didn’t need me to explain why. So he brought to the dumps we now call the infamous Hobo Hotel, he started going there whenever he got in a fight with his parents. </p><p>Whenever we went there we didn’t need to say why. We just knew we needed to be there for each other and we have ever since. Funny how sleeping in a shifty little tent out in the dumps feels safer than living in my own house. </p><p>Part of me knows I need to go home to check on my mum and Estela but I’m worried if I do I’ll kill the bastard on sight. Maybe it’s a good thing if I do. If he’s dead then they will be free of him- and me.</p><p>“Not sure.” I say not wanting to think about going back to that hell hole I call home until I have to. Estela would be glad to have me home though, she pretended she was fine without me there but I know she was scared. </p><p>“Well how about you and me go to HH for a drink tonight? Just the two of us?” Scott asks and I’m tempted. After all this shit I could really use a fucking drink but that’s also being selfish. </p><p>“Eh I dunno, I’m kinda tired man and I gotta check up on Estela and my mum.” I tell him and it’s true, I’m fucking exhausted. I thought I’d come back from this trip feeling relaxed after weeks away from home but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so stressed in my life than I have been during this trip. </p><p>“Well easy then. We drop by your house on the way so you can check up on your mum and Estela can come with us if she wants to.” Scott explains without hesitation, grinning and there’s no way I can say no to him now. “You’re gonna be missing me when I’m off at college and you’ll regret not spending every precious moment with me.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah you fuckin’ wish.” I roll my eyes at his dramatics but I can’t help but smile. Honestly, I think this is the first time I’ve genuinely smiled in days. Trust Scott to be the only one to do the impossible. He’s right though, I will miss him. Not going to give the bastard the satisfaction by telling him that though. </p><p>Once I agree he pulls me in for a hug and I shove him off but we are both grinning as he goes back to folding my clothes. Scott shakes out the last shirt and something comes flying out of it, clattering against the floor.</p><p>My heart stops when I see the two bracelets on the floor as Scott picks them up. He looks up at me and holds them up in his hands. “That was for him wasn’t it?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” I shrug, embarrassed that I actually bought Winston a fucking bracelet and the fact that I can’t lie to him about it. Well technically I didn’t buy it because the lady gave it to me for free but I was going to. I was drunk okay? </p><p>I’m prepared to have the whole ‘you should give it to him’ rant but he doesn’t. “Can I have it?”</p><p>I blink twice and frown, taken aback by what he said and then I laugh at how absurd this situation is. Me out of all people buys a fucking piece of jewellery for a guy I had been fucking and now my best friend is asking for it. “Why the hell wo- y’know what sure, keep it.”</p><p>Winston will never get it so I don’t need it anymore anyways. Doubt Scott would wear that shit but maybe he’ll give it to a chic or something I don’t care at least I won’t have to look at it anymore and think of him.</p><p>Can’t lie that it doesn’t hurt being reminded that I never gave it to him though. But giving that away was like giving the last part of him I had away, which sounds stupid because he never even had it in the first place. Fuck I’ve gone soft. </p><p>This finally put things back into perspective for me. A wake up call or some shit. Once school starts I’ll be so busy with football and the team that I probably won’t even remember him. Stalking his Instagram every day like a creep isn’t going to help me. He’s moved on, he ended it and I need to accept that. It’s time for me to move on too.</p><p>I pull out my phone and open Instagram, his profile is the most recent in my searches so it doesn’t take long. My finger automatically goes to scroll down to my favourite photo of him, smiling at the beach with a scrawny little dog in his hands and a flower in his hair but I stop myself.</p><p>Block him. Just do it. One click and I won’t need to waste endless hours staring at his pictures like a complete psycho. And that’s what I go to do until I see it. His most recent picture.</p><p>My finger is shaking as I click on the photo. There’s no mistaking that night. The first night I kissed him. For a second I think maybe I’m wrong, it's dark and you can’t even see a face so it could be any guy. But the captions the final nail in the coffin. Oh it’s definitely me. </p><p>‘Midnight ♡.’</p><p>Since our last conversation I’ve been waiting for anything from him and now I’ve gotten it. I should be happy that maybe this isn’t the end. But instead I’ve never been more confused in my life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was the end of part one! Part two will have a bit of a time jump and a lot is going to happen which is why there wasn’t too much going on in this chapter but hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Reunion to Remember</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Start of part two.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dorm 720, shouldn’t be too hard to find if only all of these doors didn’t look the exact same as the last. The numbers on the doors aren’t making any sense I swear they are getting smaller when it should be the other way around.</p>
<p>I just walked past 641 and now I’m at 285. My shoulder is starting to ache from carrying my bag around all day and I’m already out of breath. Guess that happens when you miss working out for a couple of weeks. </p>
<p>Nobody gives me a second glance as I walk past them blindly through the hallways, and I know I could stop wasting my time by asking someone for directions but that’s embarrassing so I’m not going to do that. </p>
<p>I’m about to call Scott and give in when I hear someone call my name. I turn around on the spot until I see him right at the end of the hallway. Scott’s half way out his door wildly waving at me like an idiot.</p>
<p>His arms are around me the second I get to him and I have to shove him off before the weight of my bag pulls us both down. The moment I get into the room I’m greeted with a blast of cool air from the air conditioner.</p>
<p>We don’t have one at home besides a rickety old fan from the ceiling that leaks water if you leave it on for too long. The air conditioner is enough of a reason itself to keep me coming back here.</p>
<p>Scott’s acting like we haven’t seen each other in months but in reality I don’t think more than a day has gone past that we haven’t hung out since the cruise. He’s been my rock for the past month. </p>
<p>Whenever I needed him he was there no matter what time or day. He even helped drive Estela around when she needed to go somewhere on the weekend when my mum was still bed ridden after the ‘accident’ because I wasn’t going to leave her home alone with my dad. </p>
<p>“You sure it’s alright, me staying here? Won’t your roommate care?” I ask knowing fully that he will reassure me that it’s fine and I don’t actually give a shit about what his roommate thinks but I still hate having to do this. I never crash at Bryce’s place anymore because I hate owing people and I know he would hold it against me but Scott’s not like that. </p>
<p>Since getting back from the cruise the nightmare I have to call my life has somehow managed to get even worse. The plan was to check in at the hobo hotel until the shit with my dad blows over but the place was infested with homeless crackheads so that was a no go. So here I am having to crash at Scotts dorm for the weekend, a week before school starts again. </p>
<p>“Dude I told you he’s not moving in until next week it’s chill. Beer?” He calls out from the kitchen, which was just a few steps behind the couch. </p>
<p>“Sure, why the fuck not.” I tell him, collapsing down onto the couch as I toss my bag to the side. Scott's dorm was bigger than I imagined, even his room here is bigger than my own. There’s two separate bedrooms, a shared bathroom and a kitchen. </p>
<p>The place is still full of boxes, which is surprising considering Scott hates messes, he always gives me shit for how messy my room is but why would I bother keeping it tidy when my dad tears it apart almost everyday. </p>
<p>Work must be really taking a toll on him then if he hasn’t gotten around to unpack. I hope he doesn’t ask me to help him since he’s letting me stay here. I’d take sleeping with the hobos over that any day. </p>
<p>Scott crashes down on the couch next to me, grinning as he passes me an ice cold beer. He lifts up his legs, purposely stretching out over my lap and that’s when I see it. I almost choke on my drink. “What the fuck are those?”</p>
<p>His smile falters as his eyes follow mine to where I’m looking. Once he realises I’m talking about whatever the fuck those hideous bright yellow things are on his feet his grin is back. “Oh dude you are going to love these it feels like you’re walking on…on..fucking clouds. They’re called crocs.”</p>
<p>I manage to swallow the sip of beer I had been holding back before cracking up in a fit of laughter. I have to put my beer down to stop myself from spilling it. He can’t be serious. “Crocs?”</p>
<p>“Crocs.” He repeats and I swear I’ve never seen him look this excited before. It’s kind of freaking me out, I wonder if he’s high. “We just got them in at the store. Any colour you want we have it.”</p>
<p>“They don’t make you wear those right? At the store.” I ask, shoving his legs off my lap so I don’t have to look at those awful shoes any longer.</p>
<p>“Fuck I wish man. Hey, you still thinking about my offer?” He asks and I shrug then pick up my beer again to avoid having to give him an actual answer.</p>
<p>The new Walplex is hiring and Scotty started working there after we got back from the cruise, he’s been bugging me constantly about working there with him but I told him I wouldn’t be caught dead in those ugly hats they have to wear. It’s an awful shade of green with a stupid little antenna with a W on it. Makes them all look like faggots in my opinion. </p>
<p>Except now that I’ve only got a year left of school maybe getting a job would be the smart thing to do if I actually want a chance to escape from the old bastard. I could use a little extra cash considering I’m always scabbing off my friends too.</p>
<p>“Erm still thinking about it.” I mumble and he nods but he already looks like he’s going to say something else. Scott’s almost as bad as Charlie, they can never keep their mouths shut. </p>
<p>“So…” Scott draws out as he tries to consider his next words and I already know what he’s about to ask but I pray in my mind that he doesn’t. “Anything more from you know who?”</p>
<p>That’s how we refer to Winston now, it’s fucking childish I know. I made Scotty promise not to use his name anymore in case he accidentally brought it up in front of the boys and we’d have no explanation as to why we were talking about him so it’s easier this way.</p>
<p>Forgetting about Winston was a lot harder than I thought it would have been. I thought the second I left that cruise it would somehow snap me back to reality and erase him from my mind completely but instead I couldn’t stop thinking about him.</p>
<p>Having Scotty around helped though, at least took my mind off of him for a while. Winston however made it even harder to forget him, I still didn’t understand what the fuck his deal was. </p>
<p>“Well I was right about the whole boyfriend thing.” I mumble hating how beat up I sounded about telling him the guy I made such a big deal about and risked so much for already had someone else back home the entire time. </p>
<p>“What he told you he has a boyfriend?” Scott asks, raising an eyebrow and scrunching his face up in confusion. </p>
<p>“No.” I scoff and he frowns at me but then his face relaxes as he starts to realise so I look away, embarrassed. He already knows about all the weird posts Winstons made so what’s another one I guess. </p>
<p>He still hasn’t said anything so I look back up to see Scott doing his best to suppress a grin as he wriggles his eyebrows at me. I really fucking hate him sometimes. “You been stalking his Instagram again?”</p>
<p>“What- no, fuck it’s not stalking.” I snap back at him but it’s useless because he’s not listening, already scrolling through his phone probably looking for Winston’s Instagram with that stupid grin on his face. Hypocrite. He calls me a stalker when he’s doing the exact same thing. </p>
<p>“J…for Jake?” He asks, finally looking up from his phone and I nod, draining the rest of my drink. After Winston had said that name that night in his sleep I tried to forget about it but it stayed in the back of my mind ever since. </p>
<p>Winston and I were never meant to be, I knew that as soon as whatever we had between us started. I didn’t want it to last in the beginning because it made me face parts of myself that terrified me because I could never accept them. </p>
<p>I still can’t accept them as much as I may want to deep down. In the moment it felt good and right, even if I was on edge because I was worried of getting caught the entire fucking time. </p>
<p>I hate to admit it but he made me feel important like I actually mattered to him so finding out he had someone else made me feel like second place. I’m always second place. </p>
<p>The last day of the cruise he had posted that picture that messed with my head. Then there was another a few days later. A box of froot loops. To anyone else it would have meant nothing but I remember him taking that picture, on our last night together.</p>
<p>Next it was a photo of him in my flannel and then some artsy shot of a flame with two people dancing it in but then the photos slowly stopped. It took everything in me each time he posted not to message him. </p>
<p>“Fuck man, I thought chicks were confusing but Winstons on a whole other level.” Scott laughs, shaking his head and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I’m still not comfortable talking about this shit. I know that I feel- felt something for Winston but that doesn’t make me a fag.</p>
<p>Fucking one guy doesn't automatically make you a homo. I mean even Scotty said he was interested in that Cory Jensen kid at one point and he’s not gay so that means I’m not either. Right? </p>
<p>“Hey fuck him alright, let’s forget about him for now. I’m starving, burgers?” Scotty suggests right as my stomach lets out a loud rumble. Who am I to say no. He better be paying though now that he has his new job. “I spotted a place a couple of blocks away and I’ve been dying to go there since I got here.”</p>
<p>Burgers it is. At least it will get my mind off Winston again hopefully for good this time.</p>
<p>----</p>
<p>Three burgers. I haven’t eaten since yesterday so I managed to scoff down three entire double stacked burgers plus the rest of Scott’s and I feel like my stomach is going to explode. Is this what being pregnant feels like? </p>
<p>It’s easy hanging out with Scott. I can be myself, I don’t need to constantly go out of my way to impress him like I do every second I’m with Bryce. It can get exhausting sometimes. </p>
<p>We come back to double the amount of boxes that were there before we left and Scott tells me his roommate must have moved in while we were out, which means he’s a week early. Just great. </p>
<p>Hopefully his roommate won’t give a shit that I’m here cause I do not want to have to tough it out amongst all those filthy crackheads who will probably steal all my shit while I’m asleep. </p>
<p>Scotty’s roommate probably saw the empty fridge and decided to get a bite like us. Don’t know how Scott can leave his fridge empty if it was up to me I’d have it stocked full of food so I wouldn’t have to constantly leave the room just to get food.</p>
<p>On the way back to his dorm we came across a flyer for a party tonight and now Scott is trying to convince me to go. Here’s the thing, I’m always up for parties but I hate it when I don’t know anyone. </p>
<p>I’d much prefer getting shitfaced with the guys who I know will stop me from making any mistakes compared to being surrounded by complete strangers who always manage to piss me off. </p>
<p>He manages to win me over though by promising to buy me pizza after it. We are about to leave once it’s time and Scott heads out the door in his crocs so I refuse to go with him until he changes. Begrudgingly he does. </p>
<p>Being out with Scott only is a relief. Don’t get me wrong I love the other guys but it’s nice not having to pretend to be interested in any of the desperate sluts that throw themselves at me like I have to do with Bryce.</p>
<p>The party is full of college students drunk out of their fucking minds. We’ve been here less than ten minutes and I’ve already had two people spill their drinks on me. Scotty had to drag me away before I went after them.</p>
<p>I suggest we go back to his room and play a few rounds of call of duty and fill up on pizza but each time he pulls me to the drinks table and hands me another drink to shut me up. </p>
<p>An hour into the party and I’m already feeling drunk, we are standing around a pool table but I don’t have it in me to play. Scott’s telling me some story about his first day here but suddenly his face pales and he almost chokes on his drink. “Hey you’re right this party is lame let’s just go back to the dorm.”</p>
<p>He takes me by the wrist and pulls me forward but I shake him off, confused at why he’s acting so fucking weird. The whole night he’s been bugging me to stay and now he wants to go?</p>
<p>Scott looks quickly from me to something behind me and that's when I realise he must have seen someone he doesn't want me to see or maybe that he doesn’t want to see.</p>
<p>I don’t understand who it could be considering I don’t even know anyone besides him here and Scott tries to grab me again but I turn around. My eyes scan the room of strangers, not seeing anyone until I hear a laugh- or more of a giggle. </p>
<p>A stupid giggle that makes me cringe but drunkenly smile at the same time. It couldn’t be him. My mind must be playing games on me and that's what I tell myself until his face comes into view. </p>
<p>Everything seems to slow down as I watch him. I don’t understand why he’s here but he looks good- really good, much better than the last time I saw him. I’m so caught off guard by his presence that I almost don’t notice the guy he’s clinging to. </p>
<p>Seeing him struck something in me. I can’t let him see me. My chest starts to tighten and the room feels like it begins to close in on me. I can hear Scott trying to talk to me but I can’t understand anything he’s saying. </p>
<p>He’s coming closer but he thankfully still hasn’t seen us. I stumble backwards as Scott grips onto my shoulder to steady me and my eyes land on the bracelet on Winston’s wrist as he runs a hand through his hair. </p>
<p>It's the bracelet I planned on giving him but never got to and I don’t understand how he has it but then it’s gone along with him in the crowd of people and I’m thrown back into reality.</p>
<p>It feels hot in here. Too hot. And there’s too many people. I feel like I can’t breath. I need to get out of here. </p>
<p>I feel Scott pulling me out of there through the crowd and my head thuds with each step I take, the world around me spinning. Scott manages to get me back to his dorm in one piece. I don’t even remember walking back to the room.</p>
<p>We are sitting on the couch and Scott holds my face in his hands. “Hey. Hey Monty, look at me. Look at me okay you're safe here.” </p>
<p>I force myself to look in his eyes, my breath slowly starts to go back to normal. This is why I need Scott in my life, besides Winston he's the only one that doesn’t judge me and that manages to get through to me. He understand how fucking awful my life is and doesn’t use it against me.</p>
<p>Focusing on Scott’s voice and keeping my eyes locked on his makes all that fear and pain inside of me fade away and in this moment he’s all I can focus on.</p>
<p>I’m suddenly taken back to the day in the locker rooms. The day I thought I was going to die until he saved me. The day we became friends. </p>
<p>I focus on his eyes and then his lips. I try to pull my eyes away but I can’t. Before I can even stop myself I lean forward and smash my lips against his. </p>
<p>He doesn’t pull away and I jump back just realising what I had done and we both sit there in shock before we slowly burst out laughing. He punches me in the shoulder and mumbles something about me drinking too much. </p>
<p>“How about we order that pizza?” Scott says giving me a lopsided grin but I’m still processing what I had just done. He reaches over to grab his phone but before he does there’s a loud knock at the door.</p>
<p>He gets up while I just sit there replaying what I had done in my mind over and over again. Kissing Scott wasn’t the same as kissing Winston but surprisingly I didn’t hate it either. </p>
<p>This is the alcohol in me talking but his lips are nice and softer than I imagined- not that I imagined kissing Scott before. I still don’t know why I did it. I guess I got caught up in the moment. I know I’m going to regret it tomorrow. Fuck. </p>
<p>It looks like Scotty is finally going to meet his roommate. They couldn't have picked a worse time to show up. Scott curses under his breath but I’m still too caught up in what I just did to notice what’s going on until I hear his voice.</p>
<p>It’s been over a month since I’ve heard him. The only connection I had was looking at those stupid cryptic posts from him that made no sense, that have been driving me insane.</p>
<p>I look over and my heart stops when I see Winston’s arm still around the guy he was with at the party standing in the doorway. The fuck is he doing here? My head is still throbbing from the alcohol so I don’t know if this is all some messed up nightmare. </p>
<p>I feel sick- like really sick and I don’t know if it’s because I drank way too fucking much or just from the shock of seeing Winston but my stomach lurches and all that food from lunch comes straight back up. Right in front of everyone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter let me know what you thought! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Blurry Nights</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I dreamt of him. That he was here but he was with another guy I can’t even remember his face because all I could focus on was Winston. He was far away but close at the same time it didn’t make any sense but I knew it was him.</p><p>It had only been a month since I last saw him but this is the first time I had dreamt of him and for some reason it felt like I hadn’t seen his face in years. I hated how real it felt, like he was really there. It scares me and I shiver at the thought of it as I sit up in bed and rub the sleep from my eyes. </p><p>Everything hits me all at once as I sit up. My head hurts. And my stomach. And pretty much fucking everything. I didn’t miss the feeling of waking up with a hangover. I feel like complete and utter shit. I haven’t felt this bad since the night I almost drowned on the cruise. </p><p>I have no clue what it is but something smells sweet and my stomach rumbles in response. Food. I need food and then maybe I can work out whatever the fuck happened. Hopefully the pizza Scotty ordered last night ended up coming. I can’t even remember if we ended up ordering it but my mouth is already watering at the thought of it. </p><p>Hell I don’t even remember almost any of last night. I just remember crashing out on Scotty’s bed after getting absolutely shitfaced after he kept shoving drinks in my hands to shut me up and to stop me from complaining. Well looks like it worked a little too well. </p><p>Through the faint light under the cracks between the blinds I can make out that there’s no bruises or blood on my hands so I’m guessing the night didn’t go too badly. At least that’s one less thing to worry about and a pleasant surprise. I can’t remember the last time I went to a party without getting in a fight. </p><p>The walls are thin and there’s voices coming from the kitchen. For a second I think Scotty must have brought back a chick from the party but the other voice is too deep, sounds like a guy. Would have been surprising if he did, he’s not the type to hook up without knowing the girl. Bryce always teased him for that and I never understood why but it was better than him coming after me so I always went along with it. </p><p>Scott’s room is dark so I have to shield my eyes when I walk out of the room after the blinding morning light stings my eyes for a second. I walk out to see Scotty propped up on the kitchen bench talking to some guy flipping pancakes by the stove. I stop in my tracks. Who the fuck is he?</p><p>“Morning sunshine.” Scott grins and I scowl as I slowly make my way over to him not getting how he looks so damn good in the morning after I swear he drank just as much as I did while I already feel like a complete mess on the inside so I’m sure I look just as shitty on the outside.</p><p>Scott leans forward and sticks his tongue out to concentrate and I flinch as he flattens out my hair. It feels nice and I can’t help but think about the times when Winston ran his fingers through my hair. I shouldn’t be enjoying this. </p><p>“Fuck off.” I grumble to Scotty once I compose myself and nudge his hand away before snatching the cold glass of water in his other hand. I scull it down in hopes of getting rid of my pounding headache and hand the empty cup back to him with a grin plastered on my face and he just rolls his eyes in return.</p><p>Someone from behind me clears their throat. Oh right, I almost forgot that there is someone else in the room watching us. Does that mean he saw Scotty run his hands through my hair after I just spent the night in his room? Fuck he probably thinks we are both fags. I shouldn’t care about all that after I spent the whole summer doing shit with Winston but I still do. </p><p>I begrudgingly turn around even though I would prefer to continue to pretend he’s not there but I know that would piss Scotty off. He smiles at me but I just frown. There’s something familiar about him but I swear we haven’t met before. </p><p>The guy hasn’t said a single word and I already don’t like him, there’s something eerily fake about his smile. His teeth are so white that it hurts my eyes just staring at them. </p><p>He looks like a wax figure, too perfect but not in the way that Winston is. I internally groan at that thought pushing it to the back of my brain like all my other thoughts about him. </p><p>“Glad to see you made it out of the night alive.” The guy chuckles and brushes his swoopy brown hair out of his eyes. With his too tight shirt and skinny jeans he looks right out of one of those shitty boy bands that Estela used to listen to. </p><p>Why couldn't he be some greasy haired, overweight nerd that Scott has nothing in common with. They’ll probably work out and join college sports together and Scott will forget all about me in no time. </p><p>“Who the fuck are you?” I ask, scrunching up my nose as I eye him up and down, he’s a lot taller than me but there’s plenty of guys bigger than him that are scared shitless of me. He’s no competition but Scott elbows me and gives me a look. </p><p>“James Diamond, Scott’s new roommate. Sorry forgot we didn’t really get the chance to properly meet last night.” James says showing off his pearly whites again and he holds out a hand but I ignore it. Who introduces themselves with their full name? Not even Winston did that. </p><p>James looks like he spends even more time styling his hair than Winston. Fuck. I’m pathetic. “Right.” I say ending the conversation by turning my back on him again. That’s how I must have recognised him. So we met last night but of course just like everything else I don’t remember that happening. Not surprising, he doesn’t seem worth remembering anyways. </p><p>“Pancakes?” James pipes up to ask from behind me and I have to hold back a groan as I turn to look at him again and right on time my stomach lets out a growl. </p><p>“We’d both love some. Thanks dude.” Scott answers for the both of us before I can even open my mouth and lets himself down from the counter. He excuses us and grabs my wrist to pull me into the lounge room. </p><p>“You alright, after last night?” Scott asks, watching as I crash down onto the couch and throw my arms behind my head to look up at him. I thought he was going to tell me off for being a dick to his roomie and I was ready to argue back but instead he actually sounds concerned. I’d rather him be pissed off. </p><p>“Why wouldn’t I be?” I argue, leaning back further into the couch, going back to my automatic defensive mode. Even with Scott I hate talking about feelings so when people ask how I am it makes me uncomfortable because I’m just so used to lying. How can you ever be okay when there’s a chance your own psychotic father could kill you in your sleep? </p><p>“I don’t know just a lot happened.” He says, still looking worried and he almost trips over his ugly crocodile or whatever shit they’re called shoes on the floor before placing himself down on the couch next to me. </p><p>“Like what?” </p><p>“You seriously don’t remember?” He questions, raising his eyebrows in disbelief as if I’m making it up and part of me wishes I was. It would make things a lot easier if I could actually remember what happened but it’s his fault for convincing me to drink so fucking much. </p><p>“No, so are you gonna fucking tell me or what?” I ask coming off a little more aggressive than I wanted to but now I need to know what he’s talking about. It’s stressing me out and I hate not knowing especially after all the dumb shit I’ve done in the past it’s hard not to be concerned. </p><p>“Right.” He gulps and avoids my gaze and I can almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he struggles to decide where to begin. </p><p>“Why the fuck are you acting so werid?” I snap getting tired of him not getting straight to the point. Patience isn’t something I’m familiar with and that’s not going to change now, he should know that. </p><p>“I’m not...erm..you just whined the whole time about wanting to leave because your fat ass wanted pizza and then you threw up before it even came.” Scott laughs and scrunches up his nose as he looks at the floor. I follow his eyes and cringe at the disgusting stain on the carpet. </p><p>Scott’s only been here a week and I've already managed to ruin his carpet. Just great. Guess it will be a permanent reminder for him about the cost of being friends with an idiot like me. “Sorry. I’ll buy shit to clean it up.” I tell him, feeling my face grow hot with embarrassment. </p><p>But Scott just shakes his head and gives me a reassuring smile. “Nah don’t worry about it man. The room was too squeaky clean for my liking anyways, this adds character.” </p><p>No matter what I do or how badly I fuck up Scott always manages to reassure me it’s not the end of the world. Yet I can’t help feeling shit that I always manage to drag him down with me. </p><p>James calls us over and I groan as I force myself to get up off the couch and follow Scott back to the tiny table in the middle of the kitchen. It’s even smaller than the one we have at home. That’s a first. </p><p>There’s a large stack of pancakes in the middle of the table and a plate for us each. Before anyone else can I take a huge heap of pancakes from the stack and pile them onto my plate. </p><p>I look over at James to see if he’s pissed off that I used my hands but he just gives me the same cheesy grin again. Jesus christ is the guy never not smiling? He could give Charlie a run for his money. </p><p>James starts babbling on about this being his grandmother’s recipe but I already zone out the moment after I drench my pancakes in syrup and take the first bite. Every time I look at his face I get the urge to punch him but holy shit this guy makes good pancakes. Maybe him being Scott’s roommate isn’t so bad after all.</p><p>“So how long have you two been together?” James asks and I choke on my pancake. My suspicions from earlier are confirmed. Scott has to pat my back to get it to go down and my face burns red with a mix of anger and embarrassment. I take it all back I fucking hate this guy. </p><p>“We aren’t.” I snap, pleased with the aggressive edge to my voice this time. I can’t help but smile when James gulps and slightly shrinks back into his chair and nods. But of course Scotty has to ruin it.</p><p>“What do you mean we aren’t?! This is the first I’m hearing of this.” Scott says fake gasping and pretending to look hurt and I’m seconds away from lobbing my entire stack of pancakes right at him when James looks between us confused but my phone rings before I get the chance.</p><p>I’m glad I have an excuse to leave the table before they push me any further and I wind up killing the both of them for pissing me off. Wouldn’t be the worst thing cause then I’d have the place to myself. Only problem would be getting blood out of the carpet considering Scott couldn’t get my vomit stain out. Except as soon as I answer the phone I would take strangling either of them over this. </p><p>It’s Estela and she’s hysterical. I can barely make out what she’s saying between sobs. </p><p>-----</p><p>Outside is dark by the time Scott drives me back to my place and if it wasn’t for the old flickering porch light I wouldn’t have seen Estela sitting on the front steps alone. Scott gives me a concerned look and asks if I need his help but I just tell him she’s upset over stupid boy drama. </p><p>He makes a joke about going after whatever dickhead that hurt her but my mind is already elsewhere so I just give a quick nod in return before thanking him for the lift. What really happened has nothing to do with that at all but Scott doesn’t need to know that. I don’t want to keep burdening him with my own shit. That isn’t fair.</p><p>Estela looks upset and shaken but not hurt. I’m trying to piece together what happened when something hard cracks beneath my shoe. In the darkness I struggle to see what I stepped on until my eyes finally adjust and I make out a trail of what looks like broken glass. That’s when I see it and my stomach drops.</p><p>The windows of my car were gone. Smashed and shattered until there was nothing left besides a couple of shards just waiting to fall off. The bat that he must have used is poking out of the side window. Taunting me. He left it there on purpose because he wanted a fight. And that's exactly what he’s going to get. </p><p>“Where the fuck is he? I’m going to kill him.” I yell, feeling the rage boil inside me as I pull the bat out of the window and the rest of the window crumbles beneath it and my knuckles turn white as I grip on to it. </p><p>Estela wipes the tears from her cheeks and shakes her head as she walks towards me, her hands trembling. “Monty, don't he’s finally passed out. I’m so sorry for what he did but please don’t do anything- you know you aren’t going to win. We never can.”</p><p>Every part of me is screaming. Telling me to go and kill him but just one look at Estela and I know I can’t. She looks tired and scared, like she hasn’t slept in days because of him. If it wasn’t for her I would have woken that old bastard up from his drunken coma and beat the shit out of him. I wouldn’t even care about the consequences that I’d have to deal with after that. </p><p>School starts back in less than a week and my car is trashed. There’s no way in hell I’m taking the bus to school and none of the guys live around this side of town to drive by and pick me up on the way, which means I’ll have to pay for what the asshole did. Except I don’t even have a dollar to my name. </p><p>Estela is shaking as I lead her back into the house. I keep all my focus on taking her back to her room safety so I don’t risk giving into my rage and going after him. Once she’s tucked into bed I lock myself into my own room. </p><p>I pace back and forth and focus on my breathing to contain my emotions that are consuming me. Scott taught me that technique but it hasn’t always proven to be successful. I need to work out how the fuck I’m going to get my car fixed because there’s no way the old bastard is going to do anything. </p><p>I rack my brain for answers but nothing comes up but a quick search and the first option is Padilla Automotive. The closest place to get my car fixed in town is owned by that faggot Tony Padilla’s family. </p><p>-----</p><p>The entire morning is spent cleaning shards of glass out of my car so I don’t get shredded just trying to drive it to get fixed. After checking on Estela and my mum I leave first thing in the morning to the repair store before my dad wakes up. I can’t deal with him today. </p><p>Tony doesn’t look happy to see me when I get to the store. That makes two of us. But he still gives my beat up car a look at. Glad to see business is still business. The next car repair store is two towns away and I don’t think my car would have made it that far. </p><p>“Well whoever did it really did a number on it. Who did you piss off?” Tony asks writing something down on clipboard as he attempts to hide a smirk. I know he’s loving every second of this, probably thinking its karma. It takes everything in me to not knock that smug look off of his face because I know this is my only chance of getting my car fixed and my old man wins once again.  </p><p>“None of your business. Can you fix it or not?” I impatiently huff, just wanting to get this conversation over and done with as fast as possible. </p><p>He scoffs and crosses his arms defensively like I’ve insulted him. “Of course I can but it’s not going to be cheap.”</p><p>“How much?” I sigh and stuff my hands in my pockets to keep my brain focused on something and not give away how much of a mess I am on the inside. If I can’t afford it I’m fucked. </p><p>“To replace all five? Around $800 could be more.” Tony says not even bothering to conceal the satisfaction of seeing me having hit rock bottom by coming to get his help. Where the fuck am I going to get $800 from? Is it too late to befriend the fag to get a discount? I doubt we would have even that amount in our house. </p><p>At one point I would have asked Bryce since he would get more than that for his weekly allowance but I’m not going to let him have one over me by begging him for it. Not anymore. But that leaves only one option. Taking Scott up on his job offer. </p><p>-----</p><p>Two days have passed since I found out I’ll have to rack up almost a thousand dollars if I want to ever use my car again. I spent both days at the gym, harnessing my rage and letting it out through exercise so I wouldn’t knock the old man’s teeth out every time he tried to get a reaction out of me. </p><p>In the process I had been ignoring Scott because even though he was the one who wanted me to take the job I still felt awkward. Whenever someone offers me something it feels too good to be true, like they will always use it against me. I can thank Bryce for that.</p><p>My plan backfired on me though because now Scott’s decided to pretend like he hadn’t been practically beginning me to work with him. Its like over a day or two a switch flipped in his brain and suddenly the offer was off the table but after telling him about my car, which was the last thing I wanted to do he finally gave in. I knew I could always count on him.</p><p>----</p><p>Something was up with Scott. The second I got into the car he looked so nervous I thought he was going to to throw up and now he’s repeatedly tapping his finger on the steering wheel, which is driving me insane. I almost want him to crash the car to put us both out of our misery.</p><p>“Look if you’re worried I’m going to fuck this up for the both of us I won’t. I promise, I need the money just as much as you do.” I tell him, feeling slightly guilty if this is the reason he’s acting psycho. </p><p>His face softens and he shakes his head giving me a reassuring smile. “Nah man sorry just kind of out of it today I know you’ll do great.”</p><p>Great? I wouldn’t say that I’m bound to fuck up at some point like always but at least that isn’t the problem. Still not sure why he’s acting so weird then. The last time I saw him this nervous was when he was when his dad came to watch our baseball game. Poor guy threw up like five times before the game had even started. </p><p>It’s only early in the morning but when we get to the store it’s already packed. Scotty guides me through the aisles, already preparing me for the day and telling me what not to do but I’ve already drowned him out, cringing as we walk past a mother pushing a stroller with a screeching child in it. It’s way too early for this shit. </p><p>“Oh wait.” Scotty stop and swivels around to stand in front of me. I roll my eyes at his dramatics as he zips opens his bag and rifles through it. He pulls out a green cap and places it on his head. He looks ridiculous. </p><p>“You look fucking stupid man.” I snort and reach out to touch the spring but he slaps my hand out of the way. Scott’s a good looking guy anyone with eyes would agree with that but not even he pulls off this hideous outfit so I don’t even want to see what I look like. The material of the ugly green shirt is itchy and the pants are even worse, they look like something that only my abuelo would wear. </p><p>He grins before pulling out a second cap and putting it on my head too. “And now you do too.” He reaches out and taps the spring and I frown. It’s not funny anymore now that I look stupid too. </p><p>“Hey Scott!” Someone calls out from behind us and there’s no mistaking that voice. My throat goes dry. Everything inside me is telling me not to turn around but I can’t help myself when Scott gulps as his eyes shift to look past me. </p><p>There standing in the same stupid outfit is Winston. “Hey dude didn’t realise you were on today.” Scott stutters nervously but forces a smile as his eyes nervously flicker between me and Winston. I just stand there in disbelief still not believing that he’s actually there. </p><p>I’ve pictured this so many times and what I’d say to him if I saw him but now that he’s actually here all of that vanishes and I don’t know how to feel. Angry? Sad? Regretful? I don’t fucking know. I feel everything and nothing at once and I can’t help wonder how he feels seeing me too. </p><p>“Monty..I didn’t...erm I didn’t know you worked here.” Winston says softly, giving a shy smile and for some reason that pisses me off but at the same time it’s nice hearing his voice again. I missed it even though I know I shouldn’t. </p><p>“I don’t.” I say shortly and Winston flinches at my tone. My stomach churns at his reaction and my voice automatically softens even after everything. “I mean I didn’t until today.” </p><p>“Well it’s nice to see y-” he starts but I cut him off. He can’t do that. I can’t go through this again.</p><p>“We have to go.” I say grabbing Scotts arm and pulling him with me further away from Winston. Just looking at him fucked me up. I’ve already spent the whole fucking summer getting over him and now he just shows up out of nowhere? </p><p>My grip tightens on Scott’s arm and he yelps then yanks it out of my hand to rub it. “Ouch- what was that for?”</p><p>“What the fuck is he doing here?” I ask him as my heart feels like it’s about to burst and he looks to the floor to avoid my gaze and then it clicks. That’s why he was acting so strange this morning. He knew he would be here and he was worried I’d bump into him, which is exactly what happened. </p><p>“I’m sorry I honestly didn’t know he’d be here today.” Scott apologises but that doesn’t reassure me at all. It makes me feel even worse knowing that he didn’t tell me Winston worked here earlier. Why can’t people just be honest with me. </p><p>“What but you know he fucking works here?” I accuse with my voice growing louder but I don’t give a fuck about anyone else hearing and Scott holds up his hands in defense.</p><p>“Hey man I tried to talk you out of this cause I didn’t want seeing him to upset you but just focus on the work and it’ll be like he’s not even here.” Scott says, trying to reassure me again. He tries to place a hand on my shoulder but I tense up and shrug him off. </p><p>“I’m not fucking upset.” I scoff and Scott just sighs already knowing there’s no point in arguing so he drops it and we walk in silence to a room to drop our bags off in. </p><p>——</p><p>My first task of the day after having an awkward meeting with the boss since I’ve never been good with talking to adults is stacking the shelves. I wander around the store with my arms full of cans of soup trying to find the aisle that I’m meant to go to which I’ve already forgotten the number of. A simple task and I’m already fucking it up. </p><p>Scotty told me to take two trips because I’m bound to drop them all if I attempt to carry them all at once but I never listen so that’s exactly what happens and here I am trying to pick up all the cans of soup that rolled off in a million different directions. Thankfully this aisle was empty besides for some old lady who made an unimpressed noise as she almost tripped over a can. I wish she did. </p><p>Someone stops in front of me and I think they’re about to tell me off for the mess but instead they crouch down next to me to help. I don’t even have to look up to know who it is. </p><p>“You look cute- in the hat.” Winston says hesitantly as he passes me a can which I snatch off him quickly so there’s no chance of our hands accidentally touching or something. </p><p>“Don’t do that.” I warn him and he frowns like he doesn’t get what I mean.</p><p>“Don’t do what?” He asks innocently and I hate it. His hand brushes against mine as he hands me a can and my breath catches in my throat. Just a simple touch and all these memories that I’ve blocked out come flooding back. Exactly what I didn’t want happening. </p><p>I finally get a proper look at his face and frown. He looks tired. There’s dark circles under his eyes like he hasn’t slept in months. I almost feel sorry for him but what the fuck would be so bad thats keeping him up. It’s not like he gets beaten to shit every night by his dad for doing nothing. He’s probably up all night screwing his boyfriend. </p><p>“You look like shit.” I blurt out before I can even think what I said through properly but I don’t regret it. I wanted to hurt him even though he hasn’t really given me a reason to. But I’m pissed at him and hurting people is what I’m good at. </p><p>Winston blinks twice then mirrors my frown. Just as he goes to answer someone calls out my name so he shuts his mouth. I look behind me to see Scotty calling me over about cleaning some mess up in one of the aisles. An old lady dropped a carton of milk and it spilt everywhere. Probably the same old lady that gave me a dirty look when I dropped the cans. I hope the old bitch slips in it. </p><p>So I stand up and look down at him as he brushes the hair out of his eyes with his hands and that's when I notice it. The bracelet. I almost choke on my own breath and hurry past him so he doesn’t see my reaction, leaving Winston to clean up my mess.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know what you thought and I’m back to updating regularly. If you don’t follow my Instagram I’ve had a lot going on in my life so I took a break but I’m back now :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. The Boyfriend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was like some fucking deja vu or some shit. There is no way Winston could have gotten that stupid bracelet but there he was with it, dangling from his wrist like it was mocking me. But for some reason I’m not shocked that he has it, just...confused. Maybe he had worn it in some dumb instagram post or something for all I know but my brain had managed to it block out until now.  </p><p>There is only one explanation for how he could have gotten it though. Scott must have given it to him somehow. That bastard. I knew it was strange when he had asked me for it the day he had seen it. He had no reason to want something like that and yet there I was just handing it to him without even thinking. I just wanted to get rid of it so I wouldn’t have to think of Winston again. Much good that did. </p><p>Scott’s smile fades when he sees the scowl on my face and he quickly turns to walk away but I grab onto his wrist and pull him around the shelves into the next aisle so Winston doesn’t see us- or hear us. But as we turn the corner we almost run straight into our boss- Kristos. </p><p>He’s a small, creepy old dude with rotting teeth that reeks of alcohol and has a bald patch in the middle of his receding grey hair. He passes me a mop and steps aside to reveal a puddle of milk spilt across the floor with a smirk on his face.</p><p>“That better be squeaky clean by the time I get back boys.” He drawls, emphasizing the word boys and a shiver goes down my spine as he eyes us up and down with a gleam in his eyes before nodding to himself and hurrying off. </p><p>He reminds me of our first football coach in the eighth grade that got fired only after a few weeks when a student found photos of us getting changed in the locker room on his lap top. The creep fell asleep in his office with his computer wide open for anyone to see. I can just imagine Kristos running back to the break room to watch us on the security cameras. Probably jerking off to us that fucking creep. </p><p>The mop splatters into the milk that is split across the floor and I cringe as it starts to soak it up, making disgusting squidgy noises. A kid shoves past me and steps right through the puddle of milk, leaving a trail of milky footprints and I have to grip onto the handle to stop myself from knocking the little fucker off his two feet. </p><p>The milk keeps spreading out across the floor the harder I mop at it and Scott just laughs and takes it from me after telling me I’m doing it wrong so I stand there glaring at him in return. Asshole it’s not like I’m trying to fuck up on purpose. How can you even mop wrong in the first place? It’s bullshit. It’s like I can never do anything right, like the universe is mocking me that I’m fucking useless at everything. “Alright what’s bothering you cause something is clearly up.” </p><p>“You think? I fucking know what you did.” I snap, not bothering to beat around the bush and his face scrunches up in confusion, like he has no idea what I’m talking about. Of course he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t have a clue that I know he gave Winston the bracelet. “I’m talking about that fucking bracelet. I know you gave it to him.”</p><p>“What? Monty I-” But our conversation is cut short and I’m not sure if that’s for the best or not. Part of me feels like maybe it’s good that I don’t know why Scott did it because that means I still don’t know why the fuck he would betray me like that. Just like everyone else. Sure I might be overreacting but he knew I didn’t want Winston having that after everything and he did exactly what he knew I wouldn’t want. </p><p>“Monty you can’t just be standing around all day, I need you stacking fruit with me and Winston up the front.” Some guy in the same workers uniform as us tells me as he hands me a crate of oranges then runs a hand through his messy dark hair, it irritates me. Reminds me of a messier version of Winstons hair, now I understand why he uses all that hair gel if this is what it would look like without it. Eren is printed on his name tag. Isn’t that a chick's name?</p><p>“Who the fuck are you?” I scoff, looking down at what he handed me and then back up at him, wanting to shove the crate right back into his hands. He’s taller than me by quite a lot but the guy looks even bonier than Winston does if that’s even possible. I could snap him like a twig if I wanted to. </p><p>“Eren...your manager?” He says slowly like I’m an idiot that needs it spelt out for himself, raising an eyebrow but he doesn’t look angry, maybe even slightly amused. This guy is already getting on my nerves. People seem to be doing that a lot these days. </p><p>“Oh erm right. I’ll go put out this shi- stuff then.” I correct myself, my cheeks growing hot as I realise I could have just fucked everything up and been fired for being an idiot. I don’t miss Scotty trying not to laugh and he lazily mops at the floor and pretends not to be eavesdropping. </p><p>I carelessly hold the crate in one hand and stick my middle finger up at Scott who rolls his eyes before I follow after Eren. He looks over to me while struggling to carry his own crate with his scrawny arms. “So how long have you and Scott been friends?”</p><p>Small talk. Fucking hate this shit but if I want to keep this job I guess I’ll have to be civil around this little prick otherwise he could fire me and there goes the chance of being able to drive my car again. I can’t allow myself any room to mess this up. “I don’t know since like the seventh grade I guess- or well what was the eighth grade for him.” </p><p>“Cool. Honestly he’s been going on and on about you every goddamn lunch break we get. Feel like I know everything and absolutely nothing about you at the same time.” He tells me and I almost drop the crate. Scott’s been talking about me? The fuck would he do that for? “What about Winston? You know him?”</p><p>Bringing up his name caught me off guard and I cough to clear my throat before shaking my head. I quickly turn my head to see if he is near us but I can’t see him so I think the coast is clear. “Not really. How long has he worked here for?”</p><p>“He just started a couple of days before you actually.” Eren answers as he continues to whistle as we make our way through the aisles. The aisles seem to get longer and longer and his whistling gets louder and louder, I feel my eye twitch a couple of times in annoyance. Everything and everyone keeps testing my fucking patience today.</p><p>Eren places the crate of oranges by my side once we get to the fruit section of the store and tells me he’s just going back to grab the last crate in the storage room. He leaves and I sigh as I pick up an orange and toss it onto the empty space where I’m meant to stack them. </p><p>“Need some help with that?” Someone offers from behind me and reaches around me to pick up an orange. Winston. Forgot Eren said he would also be helping. I don’t need his help so I just continue to stack them and ignore him.</p><p>An impossible task around him. Every time I reach for an orange so does he. It becomes a pattern or a game and each time his fingers move closer and closer to mine. And every time it does I feel my breath catch in my throat. </p><p>Closer. </p><p>Closer.</p><p>Closer.</p><p>There. His fingers brush against mine and I pull away like it shocks me. I feel his gaze on me but I refuse to look. So now I wait for him to take an orange and then grab one after his hand is gone to avoid...that happening again. We continue to work in silence and it becomes unbearable. I feel like I need something and I regret it as soon as the words leave my mouth. </p><p>“Hows Jake?” I blurt out and surprisingly he doesn’t look shocked that I know. Winston just continues casually picking up the oranges and piling them carefully on the stand like I asked him how the fucking weather was or something. It makes it even more humiliating. Why didn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Even silence is better than this. </p><p>“Erm..he’s doing good.” Winston says with a shrug then smiles which pisses me off even more so I just scoff in response wanting him to know how I feel. That’s usually the opposite of what I want. That seems to get his attention as he puts down the pile of oranges in his arms back in the crate and turns to face me.</p><p>“Is there something you want to say to me?” He sighs and looks at me right in the eyes, it catches me off guard. I compose myself and just shrug, pretending that I’m not bothered by his answer. I continue to focus on putting the oranges back on the pile but they keep tumbling off and I’m seconds away from tossing the whole lot to the floor and quitting. It’s only my first day and my patience has already been tested a shit ton of times today. </p><p>But is there something I wanted to say? If he wasn’t watching me I probably would have started laughing at how ridiculous that question was. Since I last saw him I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about this- what I would say to him and now he’s here finally but all I want is for him to leave me alone. To never see him again. </p><p>“Are you doing okay?” Winston asks when I don’t answer and I’d rather him look annoyed at me than sorry for me. He looks at me with those big stupid hazel eyes and brushes his dark curls away from his face. For once it isn’t styled with layers and layers of gel. It looks kind of nice. I prefer it this way. It doesn’t make him look like the rich snob that he is but it doesn't also look like he just rolled out of bed like Eren. </p><p>“The fuck does that mean?” Am I doing okay? What the fuck kind of quesion is that? Winston knows my situation, like the idiot I am I blabbed all about it that night at the stupid firefestival. He knows all about my shithead of a father and the sad and pathetic story that is my life. </p><p>“I don’t know you just seem kind of-” Winston shuffles back and forth nervously between his feet like he’s scared I’m going to snap at him after I cut him off before he could finish, maybe worried I’d punch him in the face or something just like I did that one time. Something I’ll always be reminded of when I see that faint scar on his nose. I may regret all the fucking shit Winston and I did on that cruise but not as much as I do about hurting him like that. </p><p>“Seem kind of what? Tell me? Cause I’m fucking fine alright?” I challenge, daring him to say it as I toss the orange in my hand to the side and take a step closer to him. </p><p>“You seem I don’t know like angry or upset so I don’t think y-” Winston tries to start but I cut him off again, growing closer and closer to snapping at him. </p><p>“Why the fuck do you care so much?” I ask, my voice growing louder with aggression and I close my eyes and take a deep breath to stop myself from doing something I’d regret. I’m not going to be like my father. I can’t. </p><p>He blinks twice, taken aback by reaction and it makes my fucking blood boil. I can’t be around him. I just need to get the money and be done with this shit and never see him again. “Because I still care about you.” </p><p>“Well I don’t want you to alright? So just fucking stop.” I tell him and he opens his mouth to say something but just sighs and decides against it. Bravo. First good decision he’s made all day. But I can't ignore how I felt knowing he still cares about me. I hate it. </p><p>Eren comes back, letting out a sigh of relief when he puts down the crate in his arms but then looks between us with a frown, it’s like even he can feel the fucking tension. Just what I didn’t want. Nobody else can know about what happened between Winston and I because it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Scott and Estela knowing already stresses the fuck out of me. </p><p>Once Winston unpacks his entire crate he picks it up and walks past me, saying bye to Eren and I think he’s going to leave without saying anything to me until he stops a few feet ahead of me. “See you tomorrow.”</p><p>“How the fuck do you know I’ll be here tomorrow?” I question, frowning at him and I hear Eren murmur something under his breath but I ignore it.</p><p>“The roster?” He chuckles with a slight smile on his face and then this time he leaves me standing there feeling like the idiot. </p><p>--- </p><p>We swung by my house on the way back to Scott’s dorm to get Estela, she was already waiting outside the door by the time we got there. I don’t think I had ever seen her so excited to get out of there than she did now. Couldn’t blame her though, the past few days we’ve been walking on fucking eggshells around my dad not wanting to risk setting him off again. Not sure what else he could possibly do though he’s already trashed my room twice this week and smashed my car to shit. </p><p>Once we get back to his dorm Scott leaves us to go get burgers for dinner from the store down right across from the campus. I haven’t eaten all day because I’m the dumbass who didn’t have any food or money for lunch. Scott offered but I was too ashamed to accept. My fucking pride always wins in the end. </p><p>Fucking head shot. I curse and slam the controller against the table. Estela looks up from her phone and reaches out across the couch, placing a hand on mine and I knock it off. “Hey you doing alright?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah fine. You?” I answer dismissively, keeping my attention focused on the game but I can still see her fidgeting in the corner of my eye. It’s bugging me. Why can’t she act like all other teenage girls her age and not give a shit about their brothers? </p><p>“I guess I’m still a bit shaken up because of...y’know dad but it’s not me I’m worried about. I don’t think you are fine though, so are you really sure that you’re okay?.” Estela asks again and I can tell she isn’t going to give up so I pause the game and take a deep breath to stop myself from getting annoyed at her. </p><p>“Why the fuck does everyone keep asking me that?” I say aggressively, cursing under my breath and throwing the control at the floor. Estela looks at me like I’m a child and rolls her eyes before picking it up and handing it back to me. I start to feel shitty, she’s just looking out for me. That’s what siblings should do. But I don’t like talking about this shit. Emotions. While she does. “I’m just still fucking pissed about my car that’s all.”</p><p>Estela curls up on the couch, bringing her knees up to her chest and resting her head on them and I hate how she’s looking at me like that- like she’s afraid I’m going to suddenly break if she says the wrong thing. I’m not fucking fragile. I can’t be when our dad beats the shit out of us daily. “I know you are but are you sure that’s it? There isn’t anything else bothering you?” </p><p>“Jesus just drop it Estela.” I say raising my voice at her but then I realise something as the pieces click together. He fucking better not have or I’ll kill him. “Wait-...did Scott tell you there was?”</p><p>“He told me about what happened with...with Winston.” Estela tells me biting her lip nervously like she has been contemplating whether to tell me this or not for a while. My grip tightens on the game control and my knuckles start to turn white as her eyes automatically look down at them. “Monty don’t get mad at him okay? I kept bugging him because you wouldn’t tell me and-”</p><p>“Whatever just let me concentrate on the fucking game alright? No more emotional shit.” I tell her and force a smile so she knows I’m not mad at her but also so she knows its the end of the conversation. It’s not her fault Scott betrayed me again. But I’m not making the mistake of talking about Winston to someone again. Not even with my sister. Especially since there was nobody I trusted more than Scott. </p><p>Some fucking friend he is. I don’t even know how I’m going to even look at him when he gets back. I mean it’s not like I can kick him out of his own dorm. Everyone seems to be treating me like I’m a fucking child so why not start acting like one then. Maybe I’ll throw the burger back in his face. It would be a good idea if I wasn’t so fucking hungry. </p><p>----<br/>
The next day is even worse than the first. The second Scott and I arrive Eren is bossing us around like he owns the place. He sends Scott off to check the inventory and I have no idea what that means but after seeing Scott's face I'm glad I'm just sorting out the storage room. The guy looks like he’s the same age as us but he’s acting like he’s twice our age. Suddenly I’m wishing Kristos the creep was here instead of him. </p><p>“Hey Monty, you’re strong right? Think you could give me a hand with this?” Eren asks and I don’t miss the way his eyes linger on my arms. He isn’t trying to hide it. Great looks like Winston isn’t the only fag around here. </p><p>We grab either side of the moveable rack of shelves and push it into the corner of the store room to make room to stack the crates. Even with my back turned I can still feel Winston’s eyes on me. </p><p>Eren has a nice-ish face I guess. I mean sure his face is longer and pointer than Winston’s and his nose is much bigger, it doesn’t have the same cute bump on the end like his does and his eyes are grey not hazel and his hair is not as dark as- fuck. I really need to stop comparing this guy to Winston if I need to get over him. Not that I actually felt something for Winston in the first place. </p><p>Winston has his boyfriend now, he’s moved on. I know I’m not going to go around fucking girls, they just won’t cut it for me but I’m still not fucking gay. Doesn’t mean I can’t do shit with guys though right? Just not Winston. Not again. Never again. Maybe I need to just fuck with someone else to get over him. </p><p>“What are you doing tonight?” I ask Eren loud enough so Winston can hear too and I know he has when I see him freeze in the corner of my eye for a second before going back to sweeping the floors. He probably wasn’t expecting me to say that. That makes two of us. It’s not like I was trying to make Winston jealous. I don’t care about what he thinks. At least that’s what I try to tell myself. </p><p>“Nothing really, you up for something?” He smiles and I shrug in return. I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes as the faintest tinge of red rushes to his cheeks. </p><p>“Could use a drink.” He winks. Must be dust in his eyes. We are moving around old dusty boxes and crates that haven’t been touched in god knows how long after all. </p><p>“You got a girlfriend?” I ask although I already can guess what his answer will be. He moves way too close to me to reach over and to grab the stack of crates so I take a step back and help him carry the rest of them. </p><p>“No. Don’t do girls.” Eren laughs and I’m not surprised by his words. The guy has glittery pink nailpolish on and I can see traces of black make up from under his eyes that he mustn't have washed off from the day before. But now I’m starting to realise that wink may have not been from the dust after all then. “And you?”</p><p>Winston gives a dry laugh and I turn to see him standing in the doorway to the breakroom with his arms folded. I knew he wouldn’t be able to help himself from listening to us. He told me he still cares so maybe he's still fucking worried about me or some shit. I wish he didn't. But I can't lie and say that I'm not enjoying this. “Monty’s not gay. Isn’t that right Monty?” </p><p>I just shrug and grab the burger Eren bought me during lunch break that I didn’t finish that I placed on top of a stack of boxes. If the guy is buying me shit because he thinks we have a chance together why not go along with it for a bit. Winston frowns at my reaction so I ignore him. </p><p>“You gonna bring your boyfriend?” Eren asks looking past me at Winston and he looks at me for a split second like he wants to see how I react but when I don’t he looks back at him.</p><p>“Didn’t realise I was invited.” Winston says shortly, not looking at either of us as he stacks the empty crates on top of each other. I can tell he’s struggling but trying not to show it. His face has gone red and his hair is already starting to stick to his forehead so I feel an urge to help him but I don’t. Instead I just stuff my face with my burger to stop my stomach from growling. </p><p>“Of course you are. Monty can ask Scott too right? We can do a little bonding night and like get to know each other or whatever.” Eren smiles, looking between the two of us and I shrug again. Spending time with Winston is the last thing I want to do but just one night to get on Eren’s good side won’t hurt right? Maybe I can get him to give me a raise or some shit and the sooner I’ll be out of here. </p><p>“I’ll see if he’s up for it. College is starting soon so he’s already stressing over that.” Winston explains and I stop myself from scoffing. So Jake's a college guy? I'm hoping neither of them show up. Dealing with Winston at work is already enough.</p><p>---</p><p>“Hey when did Winston say he was going to get here?” Scott asks looking over at the door when it opens but just a girl and a guy walk through holding hands and a group at a table over to our left calls them over. </p><p>We are sitting at some shitty bar a few blocks away from the store while we wait for Winston and his boyfriend to turn up and I already want to leave. There’s too many people here, I can barely hear what Scott just said over their voices or maybe that’s my brain just choosing to tune him out. </p><p>“Soon, said he’s on his way but had to wait for his boyfriend to get back from training.” Eren tells Scott between a sip of his second beer. He yawns and rubs underneath his eye, getting the black make up or whatever shit he has smudge underneath it on his fingers and wipes it off on his jacket. He looks like a racoon with hat shit on.</p><p>Winston’s bringing his boyfriend. The infamous Jake. Wonder if Winston told him he was fucking me behind his back while he went away on his cruise. Doubt it or maybe he has and they laugh about how I opened up about my fucking pathetic life with him over a few drinks that I couldn’t even afford. I can just imagine it. Winston and some other rich fuck sitting around a fire place drinking wine that costs more than all my belongings from my entire life together chuckling as Winston tells him everything that happened. </p><p>Eren and Scott are talking about some dumb televsion show that I couldn’t care less about while I sit here staring at the door probably looking as fucking creepy as Kristos. But I feel sick knowing I’m about to see Winston. I don’t know why I am though. I’ve spent the last two days around him yet it feels like I’m about to see him for the first time in months again. </p><p>I take a sip of my beer as we wait. I don’t want him to show up. I don’t want to see this Jake guy. I down the rest of my beer. My eyes flying to the door every time someone walks through it. Still isn’t him. </p><p>Another beer. He still isn’t here. Another beer. Still no Winston. Another beer. The door jingles for what feels like the hundredth time since we’ve been here and I almost don’t look but then I hear his voice. But it isn’t some stranger named Jake who walks through the door with his arm around Winston. Its Scott’s fucking roommate. James. And that’s when I remember everything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter let me know what you thought :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Jake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It all comes flooding back as they walk towards us. Kissing Scott. Winston at the party wearing the stupid bracelet that I still cringe over the thought I got it in the first place. The both of them showing up at Scott’s dorm. Throwing up in front of everyone. No wonder Winston already looks so much happier with James than he ever did with me. </p><p>It’s all too much at once. The room feels like it’s starting to get hotter and hotter by the second and the beer’s that I had chugged down earlier don’t seem as good of an idea now as they previously did before.</p><p>My head spins and I don’t know if it's the alcohol or everything hitting me at once but I don’t say anything as I dip off to the bathroom before they even get to the table. Seeing Winston with someone else shouldn’t bother me as much as it does and I hate it. I knew he had a boyfriend. I had seen the photo on instagram but seeing them together in person and who the guy was makes it so much worse. I shouldn’t care but I do and that’s the worst part of all this. </p><p>My mind is all over the fucking place and I start to worry. It wasn’t weird that I left so suddenly like that right? I mean I’ve had at least two beers already everyone probably just thought I had to take a piss. I splash my face with water then shake my head and lean against the sink to get a grip and cool down. </p><p>My hands tremble as I try to shove back the memories I had managed to block out until now. I don’t know what is worse. The Winston or Scott situation? I don’t get how the fuck I managed to mess up that bad. No fucking wonder Scott’s been acting so weird around me. </p><p>I take a couple of paper towels from the dispenser that rip off part way and I slam the machine with my fist before it finally starts coming out again. Using the scrunched up paper I dry my face so I don’t look like a complete mess when I face everyone. </p><p>The door squeaks open and someone walks in but I don’t acknowledge them until the footsteps stop right behind me and I sigh. “Jesus Scott I’m not a fucking child I don’t need you checking up on me.”</p><p>“Erm- not Scott.” Someone who clearly isn’t Scott awkwardly clears their throat from behind me and I freeze at the voice. Winston. The last person I wanted to see right now- or ever. </p><p>I take a deep breath like I’m preparing myself for the worst as I slowly turn around to face him. I scrunch the paper towel up and lazily toss it at the trash which doesn’t even make it in just so I have a second or two longer before having to confront him. At least at work there’s always someone else around so we never have to talk about what happened during summer but now we are alone and I feel sick. </p><p>Our eyes meet for a second before I quickly look down at the floor to avoid him. He’s standing right between me and the door, which honestly isn’t a problem. I could shove past him with ease and be out of here in no time but is that really what I want? </p><p>It feels like fucking deja vu again like it always does with him. Being here. Alone. In the bathroom. Just like that time on the cruise. It’s never been easy with us but for some reason I can’t seem to get the little shit out of my life no matter how hard I try. Winston just keeps showing up in places I least expect or the times I don’t want him around. Maybe it’s supposed to be a sign or some shit. If only I believed in crap like that. </p><p>“The fuck do you want?” I say feeling my fists clench by my sides without even meaning to and I force myself to relax so I don’t scare him off. That’s the last thing I have ever wanted to do. Even if I can’t stand being around the guy. I never want to hurt him again like that. </p><p>“Just wanted to see if you were okay. You didn’t look so good when you took off like that.” Winston says softly looking concerned as he takes a step towards me and I take a step back, my back hitting against the sink and I feel trapped.</p><p>“I’m fine.” I say taking in a deep breath to prepare myself before shoving past him so he can’t use those fucking pretty eyes of his to get me to open up without even realising it. I’m not making that mistake again.</p><p>“Monty-” He calls out after me but I don’t look back as I leave the bathroom and him behind. We aren’t friends. He can’t expect me to believe he really cares about me. Why should he? I’ve done nothing but been a pain in his ass. He’s obviously much happier with whatever his name is. </p><p>Thankfully nobody says anything when I’m back and a few minutes later Winston joins us and sits next to James who presses a kiss to his cheek and I have to stop myself from gagging so Scott doesn’t scold me. I’m stuck in between Scott and Eren and I feel my heart pounding against my chest thinking about what I did with Scott. </p><p>We were both drunk that night, maybe he doesn’t remember. He would have said something right? Everyone’s talking about something but I can’t bring myself to listen or join in and I notice Winston doesn’t either. The little freak has been staring at me the whole time and I’m surprised his boyfriend hasn’t noticed yet. I don’t get what his deal is. </p><p>Eren gets up and asks if anyone wants another drink so I scull down the rest of mine and tell him I’ll go with him just to get away from Winston staring me down. I don’t know how much longer I could have taken it for. Eren gets this round since he is smart enough to bring a fake ID so lucky for me I get to keep the few notes scrunched up in the bottom of my pocket. </p><p>I think we are going to head back to the table but instead he leans back against the bar and doesn’t break eye contact as he takes a sip from his drink. So I do the same, I’m not letting another twink get to me like Winston does. “You look pretty fucking hot tonight.”</p><p>“What?” I almost choke on my drink and blink twice, taken aback in shock in case I have heard him wrong. I mean it is pretty crowded and loud in here. I must have misheard him. </p><p>He grins at my reaction then looks me up and down slowly. He doesn’t repeat what he said but he doesn’t have to. He knows what he’s doing. The guy has no shame whatsoever. “The flannel, I like it.” </p><p>Well, little does he know flannel is all I own. The guy would probably get a hard on just looking at my closet filled with them. I shake my head to get rid of that thought and head back to the table without giving him a response. I mean the fuck am I supposed to say to that? </p><p>We sit back down and Scott’s in the middle of telling a story that I’ve heard a million times but I pretend to listen as I notice Eren sitting much closer to me than before and I don’t miss Winston death staring him. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the fact that pissing off Winston at this point would be entertaining but I lean slighting more towards Eren until our elbows are touching. Subtle enough for nobody else but Winston to notice.</p><p>But then it starts to become a game. Getting closer and closer to Eren to see Winston squirming uncomfortably in his chair right next to his boyfriend. But I still make sure I’m not getting too close otherwise everyone’s going to get the wrong idea. Not even making Winston jealous is worth that. </p><p>Except my plan starts to fail when Winston gets the same idea. It starts off with intertwining his fingers with James with their hands on the table, looking at me the second he does it. Just waiting for my reaction but I don’t give it to him. He doesn’t deserve it. By the time I’m almost finished my drink Winston’s practically sitting on James’ lap. </p><p>“So how long have you too been dating?” Eren asks and part of me wants to knock him off his chair for asking that because do I really want Winston to admit out loud how quickly he moved on from me and onto this moron after I risked everything while I was sneaking around with him like an idiot. So I don’t give him the chance to. </p><p>“It must have been pretty recently right? But I mean Winston you really seems to get around huh?” I grin cutting in before he gets to answer. I hold up Eren’s drink that I had stolen and pretend to clink it against an imaginary glass in the air before taking a sip and Winston’s face falls. “What happened to what’s his name...oh Jake wasn’t it?” </p><p>Winston gets up, his chair scraping against the floor as everyone falls silent, probably having no idea what’s going on besides Scott. I can’t tell if he’s about to cry or throw his drink at me. Either would be deserved I guess. I thought getting under his skin like this would make me feel better. That seeing him feel miserable like I am would help. But it doesn’t. “Monty outside with me. Now.” </p><p>I roll my eyes but follow him outside after finishing my drink because there’s no doubt I’m going to need it even if alcohol has gotten me in this situation in the first place. Though I’d rather not have whatever conversation we are about to have in front of everyone so I’m glad that he doesn’t either. </p><p>“What the hell is going on with you?” Winston snaps as we stop outside the bar and I have to stop myself from cracking a smile at seeing him all angry like this. It’s kind of cute. </p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p>Winston scoffs and rolls his eyes at my answer obviously getting fed up with me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this pissed off at me. “Who do you think Jake is?” </p><p>I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. How the fuck am I meant to tell him I still remember him mumbling some other guys name in his sleep when we were together. He’s going to think that I’m pathetic. Jesus, who am I kidding he’d be right if he did. </p><p>“Jesus Monty. Come with me.” Winston tells me, shaking his head as he starts walking off and I frown but stay put. He stops when he realises I’m not following him and comes back to grab my wrist and pull me towards wherever he’s taking us. </p><p>“The fuck are we going?” I ask feeling my head spin from the sudden hit of cold air and motion after drinking more than I should have. </p><p>“My home. I’m taking you to meet Jake.” He says stopping by an oldish looking car that doesn’t look like it would belong to him at all and pulls out a chain full of keys from his pocket. </p><p>“You’re driving?” I frown as I place a hand on the car to steady myself and try to work out whether he’s fucking with me or not. Surely he is smart enough to know not to mess with me especially when I’ve been drinking. He’s seen first hand how out of control my temper is. It never seemed to scare him but he always seemed to know not to push me to that point anyways after that one time. I bet he’s relieved he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around James like he’d have to with me. </p><p>“Relax all I’ve had tonight is water. Besides I don’t think James would appreciate me crashing his car.”  Winston says with a slight chuckle before disappearing into the car and I follow after. So I was right that this isn’t his car. </p><p>We don’t say anything the entire car ride back to his house. We sat in painful silence. Neither of us could come up with a single thing to say or maybe we just didn’t want to. He enters the gates that lead up to a massive mansion that makes my shit hole of a house look like a dump. </p><p>I follow him up the marble staircase to the large doors at the entrance and Winston pulls out his keys. The second the door opens something bolts out and jumps at him. He picks up a small fluffy white dog and kisses its head but that’s when I see it. The name tag hanging from the golden collar. Jake is engraved in cursive letters. </p><p>“Monty meet Jake.” Oh, is all I manage to mouth. A dog. Jake is a fucking dog. The same dog that I had seen in countless photos on Winstons instagram but I had never pieced it together. </p><p>“Now that you’ve met Jake, where is this coming from?” Winston asks holding his arm out for me to come inside and all I want to do is turn right around and leave but I’m already here and have no way of getting back home or to the bar so I begrudgingly go inside. </p><p>“I don’t know.” I mumble, purposely avoiding eye contact as he leads me to the living room that is bigger than my entire house. He even has a massive fountain at the front of his house. The Walker mansion was the fanciest place I’ve ever been to but Winston’s house is on another level. I knew he was rich but I wasn’t expecting this. </p><p>“So you’ve seriously been jealous of my dog?” Winston presses his lips together but I can see he’s trying to hold back a laugh and in my drunken state I can’t help but laugh too before trying to compose myself. </p><p>“No I’m not fucking jealous. I s-swear. It’s just after you said that name in your sleep I thought that- y’know what just forget it I don’t fucking care.” I cringe trying to defend myself as I stumble over my words. </p><p>“It seems like you do but it’s kinda cute I won’t lie seeing you all...jealous like that.” He shrugs and my stomach flips. </p><p>“Jesus, you can’t-  don’t say that shit I’m not fucking cute or jealous alright?” I snap feeling my jaw clench but Winston doesn’t flinch. </p><p>“Okay.” Winston nods but doesn’t even try to hide his smile and I find myself missing seeing him like this. Smiling because of me. </p><p>I suddenly feel awkward standing here like this and aware of everything. I shove my hands in my pockets not knowing what to do with them. “Erm should we go back?”</p><p>Winston shrugs again and raises an eyebrow. “We could... or we could do something else?”</p><p>“Won’t Jake care?” I ask realising my mistake but not bothering to correct myself. Although I feel a slight twinge of guilt comparing the poor dog to James. </p><p>“James and I’m sure he won’t mind. We’ll come back eventually. I just think we have some catching up to do. Right?” He asks, waiting for me to say something. </p><p>I gulp loudly but slowly nod my head. “Right.” </p><p>We sit there sitting across from each other waiting for the other to start but before either of us get the chance something beats us to it. Ping. Ping. Ping. I pull my phone and curse under my breath when it lights up with message after message from Tony telling me my car is finished and I need to give him the money before school starts back. </p><p>“Everything alright?” Winston asks and I nod before he can tell that something is wrong. “Want another drink?”</p><p>No. That’s the last thing I need but instead I nod and he smiles so I feel like I made the right choice. I like seeing him smile. It makes me feel like I’m doing something right for once. </p><p>“You know it’s really nice seeing you again. I missed you a lot. I thought about texting you a hundred times but didn’t want to freak you out so I didn’t.” He tells me with a smile that makes my stomach feel all jittery so I have to look away and shrug like I don’t care. As if I didn’t do the exact same thing. </p><p>“You and Eren seem to be getting along well.” He says when he realises I wasn’t going to say anything back. I’m glad at least one of us is talking now. “ But I was really surprised to see you working at the Wallplex, doesn’t seem like your thing.”</p><p>“Yeah well we don’t all have a rich mommy and daddy to throw money at us for whatever we want.” I snap and Winston’s face falls. I know I’ve said the wrong thing but I don’t care, I just want to understand. “Why the fuck do you even work there?” </p><p>He puts his glass of water on the table and gets up as he takes a look at his phone. “Erm- oh look at the time it’s getting pretty late I think James will be getting worried. We should start heading back now.” </p><p>End of conversation. He is already heading back to go out again and I could tell him that he doesn’t have to lie to me. That after all the shit I’ve told him about me he should be able to tell me anything too but instead I just nod and leave it at that. </p><p>Just like the drive to his place, the drive back to the bar is in complete silence just as I had expected it to be. Winston turns the music up so neither of us would ever be able to hear the other. Guess he doesn’t want me bringing up what he avoided answering before. Good I don’t want to talk to him either. </p><p>We get back to the bar and there’s no sight of Scott. Only Eren and James remain, with James talking like a fucking cartoon throwing his arms around like an idiot while Eren just nods along like he isn’t even listening. He looks relieved the second he sees us and I don’t blame the guy. </p><p>James and Winston say goodbye before heading off and James looks like he had a lot more to drink than he did before we left. Winston gives me one last look before they head out the doors. </p><p>Eren coughs and that’s when I realise he’s still there and I’m hoping he didn’t see me staring after Winston. “And then there were two. You know we could continue this back at my place?”</p><p>It turns out Eren only lives a few streets past mine and I’ll do anything to avoid going home and dealing with all the shit going on with my dad so I agree but I don’t like the way his eyes light up when I agree. It’s scarily similar to Winston. </p><p>Eren’s a talker. Once again good for me when I have nothing to say. I’m not even listening to the guy blabber on until I hear his name. “So what’s going on with you and Winston? Thought you said you didn’t know him?” </p><p>“I don’t really. Went on a cruise with the boys early in the summer. He was there too, end of story.” I keep it short making sure to show no signs of emotions talking about Winston. As if he were some stranger I had no connection to. What it should be. What I wish it was or at least what I want myself to think. </p><p>The rest of the night isn’t as bad as I was thinking it could be. Eren’s a decent guy. He gets a couple of beers from the fridge and he puts on some marvel film as we sit on the floor of his room, closer than I would if anyone else was here. He doesn’t bring up Winston again which I appreciate but I can’t stop comparing him to the guy. </p><p>The way they both run their fingers through their curly hair when they are nervous, how they both scrunch up their noses when thinking before they answer a question, the way they both stare at my lips with no shame when I know they want to kiss me. And that’s the last thought I have before he does and I don’t stop him. </p><p>------</p><p>My head’s pounding. My throats dry. Just like every other time I wake up with a hangover except this time I have no fucking clue why I’m naked in a strangers bed. Drinking so much I can’t remember anything the next day never ends well yet here I am once again. I swear I’ve never seen this place in my life but I don’t want to stay long enough to find out who lives here. </p><p>I shove on my pants and hurry to grab all my clothes off the floor and that’s when I see it. A photo against the table of Eren and a guy who looks like him but just a couple of years older. What the fuck did I do?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you thought :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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